Istikhara Leads to a Happy Home

Istikhara Leads to a Happy Home

Naimah Mohamed

Marriage being a sacred union, one doesn’t just wake up one morning and get married to anyone out there. So, we Muslims have Islamic rules and guidelines that we have to follow.  Allah’s says in the Quran

“And I have created you in pairs” (Quran 78:8) This verse clearly shows that Allah has already written for you a spouse. Someone who will look at you with love, affection and mercy.

But the question is ‘why do you want to get married?’

Are you ready mentally, emotionally and spiritually?

And what procedure are you following to get to your spouse?

Because the reality is, I want to get married.  You want to get married…everyone desires to get married someday. But then we become hesitant when we are told to get married or even when someone proposes.  We feel as if we can’t make that decision and we keep on wondering on what to do. Some rush to their friends to seek advice and others decline instantly for no good reason. First we Muslimahs should know and understand that the first step that will  make our marriages successful is if a man isn’t showing any respect of speaking to our families and tell them what his real intentions and desires are and instead he just approaches you and all what he wants is to talk to you privately in the name of  “I want to get to know you very well”  then you should know  that’s wrong!

Despite of that being haram, you’ll end up being mentally and emotionally attached then later on when he walks away, you’ll be heartbroken and maybe even fall into depression.  Make a decision today that any man that will show interest in you let him talk to your family first. In this case if it doesn’t end well then at least your honor and dignity is protected. 

Then there’s something that most brothers don’t understand. Choosing a sister for her wealth and beauty is something great but choosing her for her deen is the best.  When you choose a woman by only her beauty what will happen when it’ll fade away? Because remember she’ll never remain young for the rest of her life. But what will happen if you choose her for the sake of her deen? First, you’ll marry her for the sake of Allah and by His will she will forever remain pious despite the challenges she’ll face.

But the sad thing is we Muslims have adopted the non-Muslim way of life that’s why many Muslim marriages are crumbling and the issues of domestic violence is taking a toll.

Divorce has become a usual thing to a point where one partner seeks divorce because of a small problem that only needs discussion and maturity to solve. At this point you even don’t understand where the couple’s love and respect for each other has gone. Not to forget that divorce has been regarded to be one of the most detestable things in the eyes of Allah though halal.

For example, Abu Musa al-Ash’ari (ra) narrated:

لا تُطلِّقوا النِّساءَ إلَّا مِن رِيبةٍ فإنَّ اللهَ لا يُحِبُّ الذَّوَّاقِينَ ولا الذَّوَّاقاتِ

“Don’t divorce women except when you doubt them because Allah does not like the male or female taster (one who seeks trying many of the other genders).” (Tabarani, al-Mu’jam al-Waseet, Vol. Vol. 8, p. 24, al-Num’ani, al-Lubab fi Ulum al-Kitab, Vol. 17, p. 145).

It was also narrated the Prophet (saw) said:

أَيُّمَا امْرَأَةٍ سَأَلَتْ زَوْجَهَا طَلاَقًا فِي غَيْرِ مَا بَأْسٍ فَحَرَامٌ عَلَيْهَا رَائِحَةُ الْجَنَّةِ

“If any woman asks her husband for divorce without good reason, the odour of Paradise will be forbidden to her.” (Abu Dawud 2226, Ibn Majah 2055, Tirmidhi 1187)

Istikhara Before Marriage

In order for we muslims to find a way to live a healthy life with our spouses all what we need is to implement is the teachings of Islam. So first and foremost before you get to know someone for marriage or before you finally decide to get married you need to know the only guidance and solution that will help you make up your mind is performing istikhara.  It’s sad that most people forget it.

Istikhara isn’t just 2 rakaat that you just pray for the sake off or you just don’t wake up and be like  “I want to perform istikhara right now “. It all starts with your intention and most importantly with a positive mindset that Allah Azzawajal will answer your supplication. Because many people belittle it or others don’t even put their full trust in Allah (S.W.T).

For your duas to be clearly answered by the Most Merciful it all starts with you. You need to be able to answer these questions before you begin.

-Why do you want to perform it?

-Do you believe in it?

-Do you trust Allah and ready to accept the outcome?

Because if you are not able to answer yourself these questions with sincerity it clearly means you have no idea what you really want.  Nobody in this world knows why certain things happened to us in the past, why we are in whatever situation we are in right now and the most scary thing is what the future holds. The one who knows all is Allah . The All Knowing.

So that’s why istikhara has always been the solution and not consulting your friends. Because one person will tell you

“No, don’t marry so and so”

Then someone else will tell you

“Marry so and so because they are meant for you”

How did they know all that?  Unfortunately, some people end up following their friend’s advice then later on regret. Others get married then few months after they seek for a divorce, end up heartbroken, depressed and wonder what went wrong and start the blame game.

Our friends or even our closest family members will never give us an honest answer or better yet an answer that they are sure will forever make us happy. All these issues are completely a test that only Allah knows, and He only wants you to turn to Him and ask for guidance. Perform istikhara, ask sincerely and cry to Him if you have to. Talk to Allah and say what your needs are from deep within like you can say for example:

“Ya Allah, guide me on this matter.  If so and so is good for me in this world and in my hereafter then make it easier for the both of us but if so and so isn’t good for me, then guide him and protect me from him”

Then once you are done you leave everything in the hands of Allah. But there are some that will start their istikhara perfectly well but end up by saying “Ya Allah please make so and so my spouse”. Unfortunately, such people forget this powerful verse from Surah Al Baqarah that says:

كُتِبَ عَلَيْكُمُ ٱلْقِتَالُ وَهُوَ كُرْهٌ لَّكُمْۖ وَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكْرَهُوا۟ شَيْـًٔا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْۖ وَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تُحِبُّوا۟ شَيْـًٔا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْۗ وَٱللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ

(But perhaps [that] you dislike a thing and it (is) good for you; and perhaps [that] you love a thing and it (is) bad for you. And Allah knows while you (do) not know)

— Al-Qur’an 2:216.

At this point your istikhara is invalid because what’s the use of performing it? Because you obviously not asking for guidance.  You’ve already made up your mind so why not just go ahead and get married?

It’s wrong to say such statement, remember Allah guides only those who are sincere.

Let’s all live according to islam and the way Prophet (P.B.U.H) taught us. That way, we will end up happy in our marriages, and most importantly, feel contented. It all starts with Allah and asking Him to guide you. There’s nothing more beautiful in this world than trusting Allah with your affairs and ending up with a beautiful soul who will love you all the way.

Istikhara is the first step, once you perform this right then in sha Allah everything else will fall into place.

May Allah (SWT) guide us to make the best decision and may He (SWT) grant us a righteous spouse who will be the coolness of our eyes.

About the Author: Sister Naima Mohamed enjoys writing poems and she is one of the volunteers that work for Amirazz Matrimonial Services.