Finding Love & Getting Married in the 21st Century

Finding Love & Getting Married in the 21st Century

In our current modern 21st century, so much of what we do is solely based on the western world. Our natural way of doing things in our lives and the traditions we put into practice comes from western cultures. The same is true when we are in search of marriage. This world is moving makes it difficult to find a pious spouse solely through an arranged marriage. If we have old-school parents and family, they will still try to live up to their country’s arranged marriage practices and think those practices can still work in our day and age. However, among the youth, the practice of arranged marriages is gone, and in some way or another, there is a love marriage of some form in our modern-day Gen Z marriages. 

            When we think about the idea of love marriage, our parents automatically would think to the extreme of what modern-day westernized marriage is. However, for Muslim couples to thrive and to get married, finding love is crucial. As Muslims, you have to know your limits and plan to form a bond with a potential partner. As a Muslim, you are not limited to meeting who you are thinking of marrying. There are modern ways of knowing someone for marriage while still maintaining your limits and staying true to your faith. 

The Importance of Dating  

            Dating is the only true form of knowing an individual for marriage. The world is constantly changing, and the way we meet people and get to know someone for marriage cannot happen unless you date. Now modern-day dating for Muslim couples is your typical date and our modern-day understanding of what a date is. Dating helps you know someone one-on-one and get to know an individual for who they are. To figure out, if you are truly interested in a person, attracted to someone cannot happen without dating. 

            However, as a Muslim couple, you have to set boundaries between each other on what is acceptable and what you refuse during the time you date. For example, you may not even consider the first few times or months you get to know someone outside of a family environment as that serious. The first few months may simply be getting to know each other and seeing if there is a true attraction between the couple. Along the months, if the couple finds attraction within each other, they may further the dating process and have a mutual understanding of the limits of intimacy if they choose to have any between them.  

            On the other hand, a Muslim dating couple’s intimacy level may be an extreme form of a platonic relationship. The upbringing of someone will also impact the dating process for Muslims. For most cases, if you are brought up in the west, there will be true intimacy or create rules of keeping distance between them while you get to know each other for marriage. However, dating itself is important to get to know someone. 

Halal Dating 

            The other form of dating and more culturally accepted in Muslim families in the 21st century is “halal dating.” Halal dating is chaperoned dating between a Muslim couple and their parents. In this case, the Muslim couple can still go out on dates, but they will be chaperoned by a male family member from the sister’s side, usually the girl’s father or brother. The couple can still spend time alone on their date; however, the family member would observe the couple from afar. The sister’s family member does not eavesdrop on the conversation but observes and keeps an eye out for the sister. Hence, there is no inappropriate behavior between the couple. At the end of the night or after the date, the daughter can be returned home to the family with the family member that was their chaperone on the date. In the western world, this form of dating is highly unlikely, whereas a normal form of dating between two individuals is more likely to happen. Halal dating may be more prominent in extremely religious and cultured families or families in Islamic countries. 

Finding Love

            How can there be marriage without finding someone you are truly interested and attracted to? In our day and age, it is impossible. That is probably why arranged marriages are non-existent, at least in western culture. The world has adapted to this western culture of dating and then getting married. When you think about it, in the long run, it is for everyone’s good. Imagine getting to know someone for a short while and then losing interest or realizing you are not attracted n the individual you are getting married to. Through getting to know someone for an extended period, dating, there should be some form of love you feel in your heart for the individual you marry.

            You should figure out if there is an attraction and interest in the person you are getting to know in the short run. Along the way, you should analyze if this individual is truly on their deen (Islamic way of life)? Is the person’s deen level the same or better than yours? Whatever other qualities you are looking for in a partner should be carefully analyzed by you. Remember you have the last say in who you are getting married to. 

Finding attraction, interest, and potentially having a crush may help determine if you are interested in the individual and want to get married to them. 

There cannot be a healthy and happy marriage without love between spouses. Allah had already written your pair in your destiny before you were born.  “And we have created you in pairs” (Qur’an, 78:8).

About the Author: Maruf Hossain has a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology from Hunter College and a Master of Arts in Psychology from PACE University in NYC. Maruf’s background is in the field of developmental psychology with his research mainly on Autism and his career in research starting in the summer of 2017. Maruf joined Amirazz, formerly known as Muslim Marriage Matrimonials in January 2019, starting the adverts team, moving to the member approval team as a manager, and now serving in the Amirazz executive board. He hopes to lead the counseling and therapy section of Amirazz in the future.

You can read our article ‘Istikhara Leads to a Happy Home‘