Eid in Arabic means “feast, festival, holiday.” Eid is a worldwide festival and celebration for Muslims. During the calendar year there are two Eid’s that are celebrated by Muslims. Today we are going to discuss Eid al Fitr, which means “festival to break the fast.” It is at the end of the holy month of Ramadan in which Muslims fast for the entire month. The name of this special holiday is a literal translation of the event that is being celebrated. Festival of breaking the fast or the feast of fast breaking. 

1. IT’S HELD TO CELEBRATE THE END OF FASTING.

During the month of Ramadan, Muslims fast from sunup to sundown to honor the month that the Quran was revealed to the Prophet Mohammed (SAW). Eid al-Fitr celebrates the end of the month and the end of the fasting. The prolonged fasting isn’t just about food. It also includes abstaining from taking medications, drinking any liquids (including water), smoking, and having sex. 

2. EID AL- FITR BEGINS WHEN THE NEW MOON IS FIRST SIGHTED

Eid al- fitr doesn’t begin until the new moon appears in the sky ( although traditionally, and still today for many Muslims, it doesn’t begin until the barest sliver of a crescent moon is seen). Technically, that means that across the world, Eid al-Fitr starts at different times and even different days, depending on location. To make it more uniform, some Muslims celebrate Eid when the new moon appears over Mecca instead of their own locations.

3. EID AL-FITR TYPICALLY LASTS FOR THREE DAYS

The festival traditionally lasts for three days, but depending on how it falls on the calendar, the parties and festivities could last much longer. For example, if the three days fall mid-week, Muslims will likely still be celebrating over the weekend.

4. ON EID MORNING, MUSLIMS CLEANSE THEIR BODIES AND WEAR NEW CLOTHES

Before leaving to perform morning prayers, Muslims wake up to cleanse their bodies in a ritual called “ghusl.” Then, similar to getting new clothes for Easter Sunday, Muslims often wear something new or grab their finest threads and decorate their hands with elaborate henna patterns. Some people wear traditional dress, while others choose contemporary clothing.

5. HAPPY EID!

During Eid, one of the most common things you’ll hear people say to one another is “Eid Mubarak!” This literally means “blessed Eid” and is a way of expressing celebration. You might also hear “Eid sa’id” which means “happy Eid”.

6. PRAYERS 

After getting dressed and ready for the day, Muslims gather inside mosques or outdoor locations. The Eid prayer is a collective duty, which means that when some Muslims offer it, the rest are not accountable for their omission. If no one offers it, then all share in the sin. This is because it is one of the clearest manifestations of the community. Also, the Prophet (peace be upon him) always did it, as did his Companions after he had passed away. The Prophet (peace be upon him) even ordered that women who were in their periods, and were as a result exempt from prayer, attend it, but were not to take part in the prayer itself. They share in its blessings and in the joy of the community, which clearly indicates its importance. If the Prophet (peace be upon him) ordered women who were exempt from prayer to attend, then its attendance is a must for men. In fact some scholars consider it a mandatory duty on all men. It is a Sunnah, recommended, that the Eid prayer is organized at an open, well known space, preferably outside the village or town, so that the community can gather and perform this distinctive act of worship. However, if it is offered in mosques for one reason or another, the prayer is still valid.

The Eid prayer becomes due at the time when the Sunnah prayer known as Duha is due, which means it starts when the sun has risen in the sky about one spear’s length. This is when the Prophet (peace be upon him) and his successors used to offer it, and prior to the sun being at that height, prayer is discouraged.Ibn Qudamah, Al-Mughni, vol. 2, pp. 232–3.

It is recommended to start the Eid al-Adha prayer at the beginning of its time range and to delay the Eid al-Fitr prayer because the Prophet (peace be upon him) did that. People need to attend to their sacrifice after the prayer at Eid al-Adha, while the delay in Eid al-Fitr prayer helps a person who has not yet paid Zakat al-Fitr to pay it, as it must be paid up to immediately before the prayer.Al-Zuhaili, al-Fiqh al-Islami, vol. 2, p. 1,391.

 ‘It is also a Sunnah to eat a few dates before going out to offer the Eid al-Fitr prayer, and not to eat anything on Eid al-Adha until the Eid prayer has finished and one eats from his sacrifice, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) did that on these occasions.’ Related by al-Tirmidhi, hadith No. 542; Ibn Majah, hadith No. 1,756

It is not recommended for anyone who misses out on the Eid prayer to offer it after it has finished, because this was not reported as suggested by the Prophet (peace be upon him). Moreover, it is a prayer for which a certain congregation gathers. It must, therefore, be offered in this fashion.

‘The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to go out to pray the Eid prayer of al-Fitr and al-Adha in the open space.’ Related by al-Bukhari, hadith No. 956; Muslim, hadith No. 889

7. GIFTS

After a month of sacrifice, Eid Al- Fitr is a time of abundance, and not just with food. Gifts are often given, especially to children. Here at home we try to get our children gifts that pertain to or remind them of their growing faith. There are many websites that offer ideas for gifts for children. Islamic coloring books, reading books, games, etc. 

8. SWEETS!!

Eid al-Fitr is sometimes referred to as the Sugar Feast, due to the fact that a large part of the meal one eats at the festival is desserts. Different countries offer different types of sweets. Please follow our blog and check out Sister Marisa’s recipes. She has posted several recipes for this special occasion. 

9. SPIRITUAL MEANING 

Eid al-Fitr, as it follows the fasting of Ramadan, is also seen as a spiritual celebration of Allah’s provision of strength and endurance.Amid the reflection and rejoicing, Eid al-Fitr is a time for charity, known as Zakat al-Fitr. Eid is meant to be a time of joy and blessing for the entire Muslim community and a time for distributing one’s wealth. Charity to the poor is a highly emphasized value in Islam. 

The Quran says, “Believe in Allah and his messenger, and give charity out of the (substance) that Allah has made you heirs of. For those of you who believe and give charity – for them is a great reward.”( 57:7)

InshaAllah this Ramadan has been a joyous time for us all. May Allah accept all of our fasts, answer our duas, and forgive us all. InshaAllah. Ameen

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family. 

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Being Grateful 

This blog was inspired by a post that I saw on a dear friend’s timeline this morning. This quote above. I’m sure we all consider ourselves to be grateful. We wake up each day and the first thing we say is Alhamdulliah. We are grateful for yet another day of life. Shortly after my husband and I were married, I noticed that he would wake up each morning and the first thing out of his mouth was Alhamdulillah. Thanking Allah for another day, another opportunity to praise Him and show gratitude. It still is. He has always said that we should say Alhamdulillah for everything, both in the good and the not so good times. In all honesty, how often do we show our gratitude? Although in a perfect world we would show our gratitude for all that we have all of the time. But the fact is we are human. We are weak. When things don’t go our way we complain. So often life gets the best of us and we tend to lose sight of what’s important. No matter what is going on in our lives, God wants us to appreciate everything. He does not want us to lose our way because of troublesome events. He encourages us to always see the positive side of any situation.

Allah encourages us to be grateful, but why? When we recognize the good things Allah has provided, we will understand He cares for us. This draws us closer to Him which is why being grateful to God is mentioned so often in the Quran.

”…BUT PERHAPS YOU HATE A THING AND IT IS GOOD FOR YOU; AND PERHAPS YOU LOVE A THING AND IT IS BAD FOR YOU. AND ALLAH KNOWS, WHILE YOU KNOW NOT.” [NOBLE QURAN 2:216]

It’s All About Perspective

Perhaps something we’re experiencing now seems bad or is a challenge for us. Many times it is how we look at things that determine how we will react to them. However, Allah swt is All-Knowing and Most Wise. He knows best and what is beneficial for us. Maybe it’s that promotion that we so badly want and felt we needed and didn’t get. Maybe it’s a job loss. Maybe it’s that vacation that we wanted to take but don’t have the money for. All of these examples can cause us to become impatient and unhappy therefore we begin to complain and wonder why? When we focus on the things that are not going our ways we lose sight of all of the blessings in our lives and there we become ungrateful. Yes this makes us ungrateful. The point is we should always be thankful because our knowledge of His plan for our lives is so limited. Allah swt reminds of this in the Quran: 

”…BUT PERHAPS YOU HATE A THING AND IT IS GOOD FOR YOU; AND PERHAPS YOU LOVE A THING AND IT IS BAD FOR YOU. AND ALLAH KNOWS, WHILE YOU KNOW NOT.” [NOBLE QURAN 2:216]

Focus on The Good

Instead of focusing on the things that may seem to be going wrong in our lives,, try to concentrate on the good. Your happiness is tied to your good deeds and guidance from Allah swt. We need to make a list of all the blessings in our lives. Then, we can begin to spread appreciation where it belongs; to Allah swt first, and to anyone who has had a part in each point on your list. As the famous saying goes, a thankful heart is a happy heart. God tells us of the benefit of gratefulness:

”BE GRATEFUL AND I WILL GIVE YOU MORE.” [NOBLE QURAN 14:7]

This does not only apply to an increase in material possessions, it also applies to an increase in spiritual awareness. 

Staying Thankful During Challenges

Challenges and obstacles are unavoidable parts of life. But what defines us is how we approach these obstacles. For example, Prophet Job was given major challenges in his life after being blessed with wealth, good health, and offspring. First, he lost all his wealth. Instead of complaining and turning his back on God in frustration and disappointment, he said

”What Allah has taken away from me belongs to Him. I was only its trustee for a while. He gives to whom He wills and withholds from whom He wills.” He continued worshiping and obeying God and being grateful for the remaining blessings he had.

Next, all his children were killed when their house crashed down. Instead of losing himself to depression and hurt, he said

 ”God sometimes gives and sometimes takes. He is sometimes pleased and sometimes displeased with our deeds. Whether a thing is beneficial or harmful to me, I will remain firm in my belief and remain thankful to my Creator.”

Finally, Job was afflicted with an illness that caused painful sores all over his body. He became so sick his friends and family abandoned him. Even during this time, he never lost patience or faith in God. After several years, Job cried to God asking for His mercy.

”And [mention] Job, when he called to his Lord, ”Indeed, adversity has touched me, and you are the Most Merciful of the merciful.” [Noble Quran 21:83]

Out of reward for his patience and gratitude during all the trials and hardships Job experienced, God granted him ease and restored his wealth, his health, and his children.

”SO WE RESPONDED TO HIM AND REMOVED WHAT AFFLICTED HIM OF ADVERSITY. AND WE GAVE HIM [BACK] HIS FAMILY AND THE LIKE THEREOF WITH THEM AS MERCY FROM US AND A REMINDER FOR THE WORSHIPPERS [OF GOD].” [NOBLE QURAN 21:84]

This example that Job gives us, serves as a reminder to us all to be grateful to our Creator even during those difficult times. 

Don’t Forget The Faithful

Not only does God remind you to thank Him, but also to thank His creation. The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) says in his hadith,

”WHOEVER IS NOT GRATEFUL TO THE PEOPLE, HE IS NOT GRATEFUL TO GOD.” [SAHIH TIRMIDHI]

Without good people around us that remind us of God, we would not be as grateful. Focus on these people, however, few they are, and they will drown out the harmful ones. Concentrate on the good things they do for us, their positive qualities, and remember everyone is flawed including yourself.

So knowing all of this, how can we remain grateful? Through the good and the bad. How can we focus on all of the good that He has given us so that we can one day experience all of the good that He has in store InshaAllah? Here are a few things that I myself have started doing. There have been times in my own life when it seemed like I was hardly ever grateful. I was so focussed on the unfortunate events that were happening, that I lost sight of all of His blessings. 

Tips on how to remain Grateful

1. Keep a daily journal. Write down all of the things that we are grateful for.  It could be as little as making breakfast, or as big as getting a new job. The important thing is you get in the habit of looking for and focusing on the  good things, and continually reminding yourself of the many blessings you are gifted with.

2. Surround yourself with positive people. If you find yourself being a Negative Nancy, avoid being around a Debbie Downer. Otherwise, you may adopt her ungrateful and pessimistic viewpoint. Seek friendships and companionship in people who will lift you up and remind you to be content.

3. Train yourself to see the good in every situation, even when it is difficult. For example, if you or a family member is sick, thank God you have access to healthcare because many people around the world don’t. Also, like prophet Job, thank God for the many years you have been healthy.

God is Great

So we must remind ourselves daily of all of the things that we have to be grateful for. Remember all that He has provided for us, and continues to provide. Remember that he will not give us more than we can bear. He knows what is best for us. He will only provide for us what is meant for us. No one can keep anything from us that He has willed for us. Be patient, He knows exactly what we need and what we don’t need. Have faith. Trust that He has an amazing, beautiful plan for each and everyone of us. 

May Allah swt keep us strong and faithful throughout the good and the bad times. Ameen

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family. 

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The rights a woman owes her parents remain intact and sacred, both before and after marriage. But obedience to the husband takes precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict. Having said this, the Muslim couple must strive to avoid the occurrence of such conflict. 

The first and foremost right of the parents is to be obeyed and respected by their children. A hadith records that Prophet Muhammad PBUH defined “the greatest of great sins” as polytheism and refusing to obey one’s parents. However, what do we do once we are married? Unfortunately there will be times when we will have to side with and or defend our spouse. Taking your spouse’s side does not always mean going against your parents, but it can feel that way to them. When asked about the people who taught us the most, who were there for us through hardships, who laughed with us during the good times, who put up with us on our off days, most of us think immediately of our parents. And it is true: our parents are the ones who have been with us through almost everything in our lives. Our mothers carry us for nine grueling months before we are born, and for at least eighteen years afterwards, our parents, to list a few things, take care of us, teach us, help us, and provide for us financially and academically. Without them, most of us would not be in the places we are today. Respecting parents is one of the most significant aspects of Islam. Allah says in the Quran:

Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. (17:23)

 The first decree in this verse is to worship none but God. This is the first and most important pillar of Islam, and enjoining partners with God is the only unforgivable sin. The order right after this is kindness to parents. There are other major sins in Islam that could have been mentioned here, but the one God has forbidden us against here is disrespect to parents. We are told not to speak contemptuously to them. Throughout the Quran we are reminded just how important our parents are to us. How we should always treat them with kindness and respect. Holding one’s parents in high esteem is so important that, even if they tell us not to obey God’s command, we are still to treat them kindly. Allah says in the Quran,

But if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration). (31:15)

Imagine that. Even if our parents attempt to lead us, or worse, instruct us to head down the wrong path, we must still be kind to them. Even if our parents strive to make us commit the worst act in Islam, we must still treat them with justice.

Knowing what we know, how would we even bring ourselves to upset our parents? In any form or fashion. Many times when there is a dispute and or disagreement between our spouse and one or both of our parents, we find ourselves in very uncompromising positions. We find ourselves in a position where we have to choose. On one hand we have our parents or parents who, as we read above, deserve the utmost respect. On the other hand we have our spouse who we also know must be treated with the utmost respect as well. So again, what happens when the people most important to us, the ones who we are commanded to love and respect, collide so to speak? 

The husband-wife relationship is one of love and mercy, and from that love originates a miracle of life. Allah (SWT) says in the Qur’an, 

In Islam marriage being an obligatory act is so important that it is declared to be one half of single Muslim’s faith. It is narrated by Anas that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said,

 “When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.” 

Our Holy Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) also married and encouraged others to get married by saying: 

“A person who is able to support a wife and children and does not marry then he is not from us.”

Marriage has great importance in Islam, it emphasizes on not to delay in marriage as there is another Hadith of Prophet (SAW) related to marriage is:

 “Do not delay in three things; i) The offering of the compulsory prayer. ii) The offering of the funeral prayer when the dead body is present. iii) The marriage of a woman when her match is found”

Marriage is an act pleasing Allah Almighty because it is in accordance with his commandments that husband and wife love each other and help each other to make efforts to continue the human race and raise their children to become true servants of Allah.

With all of that being said, what role do we take on when both are in disagreement with one another. What happens when our parents are not happy with our spouses and vice versa for one reason or another?

Who comes first, my husband or my parents?

 As long as a woman is living in her fathers home, the father is her guardian and she must obey his commands and his directions. Once she gets married, then the responsibility moves over to her husband.

Muslim scholars view that a Muslim wife should obey her husband in all what he commands as long as it is not haram. If the parents interfere in this in a way that may shake the stability of the marital life, such interference should not be allowed.The responsibilities of a married woman towards her parents are like those of any other woman. The rights a woman owes her parents remain intact and sacred, both before and after marriage. But obedience to the husband takes precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict.Sheikh M. S. Al-Munajjid

Who comes first, my wife or my parents?

As a child, a son should obey his mother. When he has a wife, the mother is still important but she should not be given excessive importance to the detriment of the wife. It is a man’s responsibility to care and provide for his wife, and his parents when they become elderly.

Abu Huraira reported: A man asked the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, “Who is most deserving of my good company?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” The Prophet said “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet said, “Your father.”

First and foremost, it is pertinent to say that both the mother as well as the wife are important individuals in the life of a man. Each of them has a distinguished and unique status before a man. In Islam, a mother is held in a very high esteem and for her numerous sacrifices prior to and after the birth of her baby. She is given the highest position even more than that of a father. A child is therefore to be kind, obedient and to treat his or her mother gently and respectfully. In the same way, a wife is considered a partner in progress and a pillar in the achievement of peace and success in life. Thus, it is expected of a man to treat his wife with love, affection, mercy and kindness. In the same way an unkind treatment to one’s mother is considered a punishable sin in Islam, the unkind treatment to the wife is also considered a great sin which is punishable on the Day of Resurrection. In a nutshell, both the mother and the wife are very important in the life of a man and they were both assigned a very special and unique position in Islam.

So, a man is obligated to obey his parents in everything that does not involve sin. The mother has priority because of the sacrifices she made in bringing up her children and taking care of them from the time she felt the child moving in her womb. Meanwhile men must take good care of their wives and be kind to them. The relationship between mother and wife is not always harmonious as misunderstandings can happen. In this case, the precept of Islam advocates using justice and wisdom in dealing with such cases. It is true the priority is for mothers, but it does not mean that wives should be neglected.

At times our parents may have rights over our spouses and at times our spouses may have rights over our parents. Both have value in our lives, and one can never replace the other. It is our duty to first, do all that we can to avoid and prevent conflict between them. If conflict arises, sit down with all parties and try to have a discussion. Try to talk things out in hopes of finding some resolution. The best thing that we can do for our families is to continuously make an effort to keep things peaceful. 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

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Betrayal Part 2

What Happens When We Are the Betrayer? 

The other day we discussed some of the things that we should do in the event someone close to us betrays us. However, what happens when we are the betrayer? What happens when we are the ones who have in fact hurt someone close to us? Whether it be a spouse, family member or good friend, what would we do if we found ourselves in this position? It seems a little different when we are on this side of the fence. 

If you’ve betrayed someone, it’s imperative that you learn how to understand the patterns and triggers that bring you to your worst impulses. Stop hurting the people you love and start getting honest with yourself and the world, in order to create a future you can actually be proud of. You’ll never be happy until you learn how to trust in yourself and others, but you have to make a commitment and put in the work to get there.

What is Betrayal?

At its most basic level, betrayal occurs when we take advantage of the trust and confidence of others. We can betray the trust of our friends, our family members, our co-workers, our spouses and our children. Betrayal can take place in a number of different ways, and in any interpersonal relationship where two or more parties find themselves sharing secrets, confidences or a certain level of mutual respect of trust.

Part of avoiding betrayal is knowing what betrayal looks like, but it can take place on a number of different levels, in a number of different ways. If you’ve betrayed someone’s trust, the first step in getting back is not only knowing what betrayal is; it’s also about learning how to spot betrayals before you fall into their traps. There are a number of different ways in which we can betray the ones we love, and not all of them are as cut-and-dry as cheating on a spouse. 

Different Types of Betrayal

When we think of betrayal, we often think of marital affairs or long term friendships that come to a drastic end. Betrayal isn’t always that simple though, and it isn’t always that black-and-white. Sometimes, we betray the people we care about most without ever realizing what we’ve done.

Emotional Affairs

Emotional affairs are betrayals that take place without sexual infidelity. These affairs can be both brief or long term, but they are especially damaging because of their complex nature. While a physical infidelity is generally easy to end (with limited attachment), an emotional affair is a deep one, and harder to walk away from than something that’s strictly physical.Relationships are all about giving and taking equally, with a flow that keeps us in check while keeping us in sync with our loved ones. Betraying that give and take isn’t just about bringing a third party into the relationship. It can also be about putting yourself and your needs (selfishly) before your partner’s. When you lose sight of your compassionate love and develop a “me, me, me” mentality — you’ve betrayed your loved one and what you once promised them, whether you realize it or not.When we truly love someone or care about them, we don’t expect them to change; we love them regardless of their flaws. Pressuring someone to change, or bullying them into doing things in a more convenient way for you is toxic. More than that, it’s a betrayal of the common trust that friends and partners should share between one another: the confidence of knowing that you can be yourself, no matter what.

Not Being Completely Honest

Committing an act of betrayal never feels good. Not for long, anyway. For that reason, many who engage in a betrayal of trust engage in withholding information, as a means of justifying their behavior. Withholding information from your friend or spouse is the same as lying, and the consequences and effects are just as damaging (if not more so). Lying is the age-old standard when it comes to betrayal, and it is the act that we engage in most often when it comes to stabbing the people we care about in the back. Telling a lie is the most basic violation of basic human decency, and it’s one of the most damaging and painful things we can to our loved ones and relationships — no matter how we choose to look at it.

Sticking Up For Our Loved Ones

Our friendships and our romantic relationships are all about teamwork, and that means sticking up for one another when the going gets tough. If you can’t stick up for your friends or loved ones when they need you, then you’re betraying their trust and ultimately, their confidence in you altogether. You have to take a stand for the people you love, and you have to make sure their boundaries are as honored as you’d honor your own.

Taking Advantage of Our Loved Ones

Every partnership or friendship comes with the understanding that you will both respect the boundaries of the other person. When you stop respecting those boundaries and start taking advantage of your friend or love, you’re betraying their trust in your and the mutual sense of respect you both should share for one another.

Why Do We Betray the People That We Love

Betraying the trust of those we claim to care for is a complex concept. While sometimes betrayal occurs on the back of a false friendship, most betrayals occur between individuals that actually care deeply for one another. Why? Why do we hurt the people that we’re supposed to care for? Well, there’s a number of reasons and some are more surprising than others. 

Self Sabotage

 There’s no denying the fact that we commonly lie to and betray people that we actually care for. While this might seem self-defeating (and it is) it’s also an extremely common form of self-sabotage that occurs when one person is struggling from low-self esteem. Cheating, lying and deceiving are some of the oldest forms of self-sabotage in the book, but it takes some inner-reflection and honesty to accept that. 

Unresolved Grief/ Loss of Identity

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind. It is not pathological and it is not a personality defect. It does not occur only when we lose a spouse, a child or a parent and it most definitely does not make us weak or less worthy for experiencing it. Grief occurs in a number of ways, and if you don’t resolve it, you’ll quickly find yourself looking for self-destructive outlets to alleviate your pain. When we lose our sense of self, we start to look for it in strange and unexpected places. We can lose critical pieces of our core identity when we go through major life events like death, marriage or even the loss of a career. These major upheavals cause shifts in our personalities and the way we see ourselves, and we reach blindly into the world in search of something that can reconnect us with our meaning again.

How Can We Move On

Most articles and ideas are meant to help the victims of betrayal to move on. It can be difficult to rebuild after you’ve betrayed the trust of someone you care about. Learning how to build open and meaningful relationships is hard, but it’s even harder to rebuild them after betrayal.Here are some tips that may help:

1. Open up

The first step in regaining the trust of anyone we’ve violated is opening up to them with the entirety of our truth. Whether we’ve snooped through our best friend’s things or committed the most heinous of acts behind our spouse’s back, if we want to get back on the right track, we have to start by opening up and it is better if we are able to do this before we get caught.

2. Make a commitment to be Honest from here on out

Once everything is out in the open, start dealing with it by committing to an honest and open future. It’s going to take time to prove yourself again, but that’s what an honest commitment is all about; doing a little each day to prove that the relationship is a beneficial one. Make a commitment to be honest with the person that you’ve hurt and commit to a more honest channel of communication in the future, even if those truths are hard to speak and even harder to swallow. We can generate more honesty in our lives by being ready to hear the truth ourselves. Be patient, and be open with your feelings as they’re happening, rather than waiting for them to fester in the darkness. Be honest with your needs as much as you’re honest about your emotions, and remember that you’re not a mindreader nor a body language expert. Guessing games equal disappointment every time, so be honest about what you need out of your commitment to be honest. 

3. Answer the questions

When we’re confronted with our betrayal, it can be hard to hear it let alone hear all of the pain that we’ve caused as a result of our poor choices and behaviors. The problem is, although we have hurt someone, we don’t get to choose how they resolve that pain. If you’ve hurt someone and they have questions, answer them, and don’t shy away from the truth. Part of being in a relationship whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship or work partnership, is having a mutual and understood level of trust. It also means owning up and helping our friends resolve their grief; especially when we’re the cause. Even if you think the question is stupid or repetitive, answer it, and don’t get sharp and don’t shift the blame. Rebuilding starts with answers, and you’re the only one who can give them.

4. Stop invalidating the feelings of others

One of the most toxic behaviors patterns of those who betray the people around them is their constant invalidation of the feelings of those people. In order to live more comfortably with their own guilt, betrayers often dispute and downplay the feelings of those around them. When their partner starts to question their behavior, they’ll change the topic or jump and flip things around, absolving their guilt and turning the conversation into something else entirely. You don’t have to agree with what your friend, spouse or partner says. You don’t even have to entertain it as a reality, but you do have to listen to it, and you do have to give them time to express the way they are feeling, as well as the needs they might have. 

5. Be Patient

Patience is key when it comes to healing not only our relationships with others, but also our relationships with ourselves. Coming back from betrayal is a process, for you and the person that you’ve hurt. Therefore, you have to be patient and understand that it’s going to take time for both of you, and not everything is going to be as smooth as you might like. Understand that regaining trust might take longer than you think. Understand that you may never regain that trust at all. Apologies are rarely the end of a matter, rather, they’re just a starting place. Be patient with yourself on your journey toward honesty, and be patient with the injured party too. It took time to get you into this mess, and it will take time to get you out. None of us is perfect, but all of us can be better…when we make the conscious decision to be.

6. Stop Making Excuses and Start Taking Responsibility

We use excuses to rationalize our actions and justify the poor choices that we have made.The problem is, however, that these rationalizations and excuses make it impossible for us to tap into true healing or recovery from these poor choices.Taking responsibility starts with accepting our personal role in the way things happen around us, and it ends with the realization that you alone are responsible for the way you react to the stressors and obstacles that life chooses to throw your way. Stop blaming others for the poor life choices you make. The only person who can choose to betray the trust of your loved ones is you.

7. Focus on recovery, rather than results

When we’re trying to fix something, we want to see instant results. But that’s not how recovery works. Coming back from living a life full of betrayal and deceit isn’t easy, but it is possible with time. If we want to become better people and we want to stop lying to the people around us, we have to keep focused on our journey back to honesty, rather than the direction we’re moving in. A breach in integrity is a hard thing to overcome. It’s a humbling experience and one that has lots of ups and downs, despite our desperate efforts to force things back to normal. Betrayal is a complex subject, and a complex and damaging event from which we have to find healing. Losing the trust of our friends, family and loved ones can be one of the most painful experiences we can endure, but it’s up to us to fix the wrongs we’ve created and find our way back to healthy and balanced relationships. That’s a journey that takes time. If we’ve betrayed someone we care for, we can’t invalidate their emotions or demean their expression of emotion. We need to take some time to understand what we’ve done and why we did it, and communicate that with our loved one when we’re ready (but before you get caught). Commit to an honest future, answer their questions and start taking responsibility for the pain that we’ve caused. Though we may not mean to injure those we love with our behavior, we do, and we don’t get to choose how they heal and find their resolutions. Focus on your recovery and have patience with the process. This pain wasn’t caused overnight and it won’t heal overnight either. Give yourself the time and space you both need to heal, so you can find a path to a better tomorrow.

May Allah heal all of our broken relationships, and make them stronger. InshaAllah. May we all realize any wrongs that we have done and have the patience to contribute to any healing. Ameen 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

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