Category: religious

A Revert’s Journey

And Allah Guides whom He wills to a straight path.

Surah Al-Baqarah/ Ayah213

Destination Unknown

 

Reverting back to Islam can be an incredibly challenging time for many. Suddenly we are faced with this overwhelming feeling that everything that we were once taught, everything that we grew up believing to be true, may in fact not be. As warm and welcoming as the feeling of coming to Allah subhanahu wa ta ala may be, we also may begin to feel lost, confused, afraid, and very alone. Along with these feelings comes a great deal of insecurity and doubt. It feels like there is no end to the many questions that are now running through our minds. Then the intense fear of how and where we will find the answers begins. Where do we go from here?

 

The Journey Begins

 

So now that we have found ourselves embarking on this beautiful journey, how and where do we begin to find the much needed support and sense of security that we need to help us along? A little reassurance if you will. Naturally we will first look towards our brothers and sisters in Islam. Maybe in our local, mosque or community in general. That too however can be a little intimidating. Nevertheless, we look towards those who we assume will have the answers to our many questions. Whether because they were raised in the faith, or because they have traveled down this road before. We hope that they will be able to help guide us and put us on the right path. Once we have made these connections, we tend to solely rely on those individuals to navigate us, sort of acting as our GPS. We think that because they have been down this road before, they can provide us with the resources that we need. Although there are plenty of resources such as books, articles, websites, and videos to help guide us, it is very comforting having someone by our side who can provide not only guidance, but also something that no text can provide, companionship. Remember, many reverts are feeling isolated right now. Most of our families have pulled away because they don’t approve nor do they understand the change we’ve made. Still it is important that we remember that although our newfound friendships bring us connections that we’ve been missing, we must remind ourselves that they are still human just like us. Maybe they too are struggling in their own way. Perhaps they are still working on their journey and struggling along the way. Maybe they have been misguided. Oftentimes we will say it’s okay and look past all of that.  They are human and are not perfect, and besides, it beats the feeling of being alone. The feeling of isolation that many reverts feel can be overwhelming. Therefore having someone to hold our hand as we venture off into this new and unknown territory feels a lot safer than walking alone. We may not even think about, much less prepare ourselves for any potential bumps in the road that may lie ahead.

 

Bumps in the Road

 

As with any journey, it is inevitable that we will hit some bumps along the way. Still, now with our new friends, not realizing if those friends will prove to be beneficial to us or not, we press down on the gas pedal and are ready to go. We remind ourselves that we are not alone. Our passengers will tell us when to turn around, stop, make a left or right, or just keep going. So what happens when our support system needs support? We have been counting on them to carry us through and now they are struggling. Here come those overwhelming feelings of doubt and frustration again. It is important to remember that our journey will not be filled with rainbows and butterflies. We may in fact face some of our most difficult challenges during this time. Events that may make us question the decision that we have just made. During my own personal journey I experienced some of the most difficult challenges of my life. I was very blessed to have a few amazing passengers with me on my journey. One being our very own Sister Leila. She gave me some of the most comforting advice early on. Words that still play in my head till this day. She said, “ Allah tests those that He loves the most.” The challenges that we face are tests from Him. We must also remember that He will not give us more than we can handle.

 

“Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear” [ Quran 2:286]

 

We need to remember that even if we have the best of guides leading the way, there is only one who is truly in control. Only He can provide the perfect map for us. Allah subhanahu wa ta ala will never misguide us. He will provide us with the most accurate map of where to go and how to ultimately arrive at our final destination. He knows our journey from beginning to end and is fully equipped to provide us with any help needed along the way. We just need to listen to and trust Him.

 

Road Blocks

 

Throughout our journey we may come across some roadblocks. Some that may cause us to come to a grinding halt. Things that we had once gone through before, would be a little easier because of the love and support that we were getting from our friends and family. The very people that we once turned to were no longer there. For example, the loss of a job, or a loved one, or any unfortunate experience that we were not necessarily prepared for, may take place. Not only do we have little support, but we begin to ask, “ why is this happening to me?” Of course we know that this is a test and it is a part of life. Reminding ourselves that Allah tests those that He loves the most. But is that enough to give us the comfort and reassurance that we want and need to move forward?

 

Trials and Tribulations

So how do we get through those trials and tribulations? Who or what can help push us through and provide that comfort and support that we need? Old friends have turned their backs on us. New friends are doing all that they can. So who or what is left? Here we are feeling all alone again. The answer? Allah subhanahu wa ta ala. The only love, comfort, support, that we will eventually learn will ever need. Through His messenger our beloved Prophet Muhammad we are able to find very clear instructions to not only guide us where we need to be, but also how to cope with any and every situation in life.

 

Fact vs. Fiction

Another roadblock that we may encounter is finding sources that are reliable and ones that will be beneficial to our growth. With so much information out there, we need to be sure that what we are using as a tool to guide us, is one that is reliable and good. Unfortunately we live in a time where many individuals have twisted and distorted the words of our beautiful religion. Therefore it is imperative that we be able to differentiate fact from fiction. So what are some ways that we can be sure what we are reading or listening to is fact? We need to be sure that we follow those who can inform and not misguide us.

 

Crossroads

With all of these things going on around us and in our minds, it can be difficult to remain focused. Not knowing where to turn, still trying to process the issues we have with family and friends, and overall struggling to get back on track, can cause us to feel discouraged. Sort of like we’ve hit a dead end. Do we give up? Do we go back to what we once knew? Although it doesn’t feel right, it feels somewhat safe and familiar? Or, do we continue on this journey, and follow the path that will lead us to our final destination?

 

Guide us to the straight path.

Surah Al- Fatiha Ayah 6

 

We must solely rely on the One whose guidance led us here in the first place. Allah subhanahu wa ta ala.

 

The Detour

Rather than focus on all of the roadblocks and obstacles in our way, we should learn to go around them and not let them hinder our journey.

 

And whoever fears Allah- He will make for him a way out.

At- Talaq / verse 2

 

Since relying completely on people wasn’t the answer, something we should have never done anyway, it’s time to not only look towards Him, but also do some of our own independent research. The internet and libraries are full of resources. How can we be certain that what we are reading or listening to is coming from a credible source? The last thing that we want to become is misinformed. Following the wrong sources can not only lead us down the wrong path, but it can also cause doubt, confusion and frustration. This may cause some reverts to become discouraged and potentially give up altogether. Or worse, become misguided. So what are some ways that may help someone who is new find reliable and accurate sources? We need to think about what reverts need most. Of course we can tell them to purchase or even give them a copy of the Holy Quran, but it’s not so easy to sit down and read it. It too can be overwhelming for someone who is just starting out. I’ve asked several friends both born Muslims and reverts what they would suggest someone new to do.

  1. Make sure that the person that you are following can back up their message with Quranic evidence or Hadith.
  2. Research the individual or site. Nowadays you can look up anyone or anything through the internet.
  3. Use common sense. Islam is a religion of peace. If the speaker is saying things that do not sound peaceful, it may be a good idea to change channels.
  4. Do try to ask your local community if you don’t know where to start. Get a list of people and sites and research them if you are not sure. Islam is not intended to be difficult.
  5. Pray for guidance. Ask Allah subhanahu wa ta ala to lead you during this process.

 

The Reroute

 

And rely upon Allah; And Sufficient is Allah as Disposer of Affairs

Surah Al Ahzab / Verse 3

 

Once we have found our credible sources, we can now begin to feel as if we are back on track. With our prayers and InshaAllah a good Muslim community, we should have a new and improved sense of direction. Allah subhanahu wa ta ala knows our intentions. He knows exactly what is in our hearts and what we need. If we focus on Him, He will guide us, never misleading us. He will create the most perfect path for us. And even when those bumps and crossroads try to get in the way, He will provide us with everything that we need to get us through. InshaAllah

 

The Road to Jannah

As Muslims, our ultimate goal is to reach paradise InshaAllah. To live our lives in a way that pleases Him. Through His love and guidance, and our patience we will gain knowledge and obtain all that he has for us. Throughout this journey we should strive to be closer to Him. When we are close to Allah subhanahu wa ta ala, we will feel a peace like no other. May Allah subhanahu wa ta ala guide us all. May we open our hearts to Him. May He provide us with the guidance and knowledge that will bring us to the road to Jannah, and may we all meet there together InshaAllah.

 

 

 Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

The Truth About Lying

 

Author: Rebecca Pena.

The Truth About Lying

man

O you who believe! Be afraid of Allah, and be with those who are true (in word and deeds).
[al-Tawbah 9:119]

As children we are taught not to lie. That lying is one of the greatest sins that comes with severe consequences and punishment. We were told that although we could hide things from our parents, nothing could nor can be hidden from Allah. He hears, sees and knows everything that we say and do. Nevertheless we grow up knowing that lying is wrong, but in some cases maybe not. We often hear the phrase “honesty is the best policy.” On the flip side we are also told that it is at times okay to bend the truth a little, sometimes. For example, someone prepares a meal that is not to our liking. We wouldn’t come out and tell them how awful it was, instead we may say that it was delicious and say thank you. Is this necessarily wrong? Is it okay to lie in order to spare someone’s feelings?

 “…Indeed, Allah does not guide he who is a liar and [confirmed] disbeliever.” [Quran 39:3]

Big or Small/ Black or White

We have often heard people say that they have told a little white lie. This usually indicates something like what I mentioned above. When someone invites us to a gathering and we just don’t have the energy to go, we might say that we have a previous engagement.When we really do not.  No big deal right? No harm, no foul and no one is hurt. Right? The term little white lie is used to define a lie where no one gets hurt, and “big” lies are usually lies that involve one or more parties getting hurt. We convince ourselves that these small lies are okay. We justify them, especially because no one really gets hurt. It is the people who tell the “bigger” lies who truly have bad motives and intentions. They are the ones who set out to hurt others, therefore they are  really the ones who need to watch out. I personally feel that there is no justification for lying, rather we should learn to speak kindly in those situations where we feel we cant be entirely truthful. We can be truthful, we just need to find the right words. Society allows us to categorize lies, good, bad, big, small, black, white. The truth is a lie is a lie and it is wrong. People lie with the intent to deceive another person.

Lie: to make an untrue statement with intent to deceive. Webster dictionary

“O you who have believed! Fear Allah and speak words of appropriate justice.” [Quran 33:70]

Friends and Family

How many times have we found ourselves in situations where we have had to tell little white lies. A close friend asks how she looks in a certain outfit and in order to not hurt her feelings, you tell her that she looks great, when maybe she doesn’t. Or that one family member calls and you tell them that you were just on your way out the door, just to avoid getting stuck on the phone for an hour. Or what about when we embellish a little on our resume? I mean we are qualified for the job, but sometimes having that little extra sparkle helps get that little increase in pay right? The lines between white lies and more malicious lies have become very blurred. The truth however is that our friend may go out in her outfit and have others tell her that her outfit is not as nice as she thought. Or was told. Now she is embarrassed.  Our family member may have really needed some help but because of our little white lie they were unable to get it. Lastly, while we were bending the truth on that resume, just a little, maybe someone with those credentials who really needed that job missed out. But wait, I thought that little white lies were harmless, no one gets hurt.

Prophet Muhammad  said:

“Indeed, truth leads to virtue and virtue leads to Paradise, and a truthful person continues to speak the truth until he becomes the most truthful person. Lies lead to evil and evil leads to Hell, and a liar continues to lie until he is listed as a high ranking liar before Allah.” [Al-Bukhari]

Spouses

One of the principal foundations of our marriage is trust. Trust is something that is easily broken, but can take a lifetime to repair. Some will say that it is okay for a husband to lie to his wife in order to please her or make her happy. For example, there are times when I may be trying a new recipe and ask my husband to be the taste tester. He will tell me if it is good or not, and honestly I would rather him tell me truthfully than lie to me. Even if he did not like it, and his heart was in the right place, I would still rather hear the truth with kind words, rather than a lie. However, I can see one overlooking this sort of lie. After all, we do not want to hurt our spouse.

And (what means): “…And do not conceal testimony, for whoever conceals it – his heart is indeed sinful….” [Quran 2:283]

At times it may seem easy to overlook or allow these lies. Because they don’t involve infidelity or cause pain to our spouse, it doesn’t seem so bad. Research shows that telling small lies and getting away with it makes it easier to tell bigger lies. Lying and or withholding the truth destroys relationships. The relationship that we have with our spouse is in my opinion the second most important relationship that we should grow and nurture. The first being with Allah subhanahu wa ta ala. It is one that we should take very special care of, and never take the risk of compromising it by lying. There should never be a reason to lie to our spouse. We should alway feel comfortable telling them exactly how we feel.

Why Do People Lie

Why do people lie? We have focused on white lies. Those that are not intended to hurt, but rather spare someone’s feelings. I have personally, recently been in a situation with my spouse where he withheld something from me because he thought that I would get upset. However, when I found out, I was twice as hurt. One, because he kept something from me, and two, for whatever reason, he felt like he couldn’t come to me beforehand and talk to me about the situation. Even the most minimal of lies can do some pretty extensive damage and cause a breakdown in communication.

There are also those who lie with the intent to deceive. They dont always intend to hurt someone else, but that is because they do not intend to get caught. They have this mentality of “what they don’t know won’t hurt them.” We should always remember that while we may be able to deceive those around us, we can never deceive our Creator. He sees and knows everything.

  “…The curse of Allah be upon him if he should be among the liars.” [Quran 24:7]

Damage and Repair

Lying can cause damage that can not always be repaired. It can ruin relationships and change the way that people deal with us in the future. We lose credibility when we lie. It becomes a challenge for those around us to maintain relationships with us. The very core of who we are has now been compromised. Even if we are blessed to be forgiven, the relationship as we knew it will never be the same. Is it even worth it? We’ve potentially lost relationships, and we’ve disappointed ourselves and more importantly, Allah.

“…Indeed Allah does not guide one who is a transgressor and a liar.” [Quran 40:28]

 “…And do not conceal testimony, for whoever conceals it – his heart is indeed sinful….” [Quran 2:283]

Why We Should Tell the Truth

The truthful are most beloved by Allah (SWT). Telling the truth is one of the foundations of what Islam stands on. Allah (SWT) prohibits lying and implores us to choose righteousness and truthfulness above all else.

“You who believe, heed Allah and stand by those who are truthful” (Quran 9:119).

“You who believe, guard your duty to Allah, and speak words straight to the point” (Quran 33:70).

So even in those instances where lying seems like it may not be such a big deal, or maybe it just seems easier to tell those little white lies, we must keep in mind the consequences that may not be faced here, but in the Hereafter.

However, if you find yourself in a situation where you have told a lie and feel the guilt, consider it a blessing. There are people in this world to whom lying comes so easily that they no longer feel that feeling of guilt. Feeling guilty for our sins is a blessing from Allah (swt). We should take this opportunity to repent and ask for forgiveness. Allah is the most Forgiving and All- Merciful. May Allah (swt) guide us and keep us on the right path. May our hearts and intentions be pure.

EID AL-FITR

Eid in Arabic means “feast, festival, holiday.” Eid is a worldwide festival and celebration for Muslims. During the calendar year there are two Eid’s that are celebrated by Muslims. Today we are going to discuss Eid al Fitr, which means “festival to break the fast.” It is at the end of the holy month of Ramadan in which Muslims fast for the entire month. The name of this special holiday is a literal translation of the event that is being celebrated. Festival of breaking the fast or the feast of fast breaking. 

1. IT’S HELD TO CELEBRATE THE END OF FASTING.

During the month of Ramadan, Muslims fast from sunup to sundown to honor the month that the Quran was revealed to the Prophet Mohammed (SAW). Eid al-Fitr celebrates the end of the month and the end of the fasting. The prolonged fasting isn’t just about food. It also includes abstaining from taking medications, drinking any liquids (including water), smoking, and having sex. 

2. EID AL- FITR BEGINS WHEN THE NEW MOON IS FIRST SIGHTED

Eid al- fitr doesn’t begin until the new moon appears in the sky ( although traditionally, and still today for many Muslims, it doesn’t begin until the barest sliver of a crescent moon is seen). Technically, that means that across the world, Eid al-Fitr starts at different times and even different days, depending on location. To make it more uniform, some Muslims celebrate Eid when the new moon appears over Mecca instead of their own locations.

3. EID AL-FITR TYPICALLY LASTS FOR THREE DAYS

The festival traditionally lasts for three days, but depending on how it falls on the calendar, the parties and festivities could last much longer. For example, if the three days fall mid-week, Muslims will likely still be celebrating over the weekend.

4. ON EID MORNING, MUSLIMS CLEANSE THEIR BODIES AND WEAR NEW CLOTHES

Before leaving to perform morning prayers, Muslims wake up to cleanse their bodies in a ritual called “ghusl.” Then, similar to getting new clothes for Easter Sunday, Muslims often wear something new or grab their finest threads and decorate their hands with elaborate henna patterns. Some people wear traditional dress, while others choose contemporary clothing.

5. HAPPY EID!

During Eid, one of the most common things you’ll hear people say to one another is “Eid Mubarak!” This literally means “blessed Eid” and is a way of expressing celebration. You might also hear “Eid sa’id” which means “happy Eid”.

6. PRAYERS 

After getting dressed and ready for the day, Muslims gather inside mosques or outdoor locations. The Eid prayer is a collective duty, which means that when some Muslims offer it, the rest are not accountable for their omission. If no one offers it, then all share in the sin. This is because it is one of the clearest manifestations of the community. Also, the Prophet (peace be upon him) always did it, as did his Companions after he had passed away. The Prophet (peace be upon him) even ordered that women who were in their periods, and were as a result exempt from prayer, attend it, but were not to take part in the prayer itself. They share in its blessings and in the joy of the community, which clearly indicates its importance. If the Prophet (peace be upon him) ordered women who were exempt from prayer to attend, then its attendance is a must for men. In fact some scholars consider it a mandatory duty on all men. It is a Sunnah, recommended, that the Eid prayer is organized at an open, well known space, preferably outside the village or town, so that the community can gather and perform this distinctive act of worship. However, if it is offered in mosques for one reason or another, the prayer is still valid.

The Eid prayer becomes due at the time when the Sunnah prayer known as Duha is due, which means it starts when the sun has risen in the sky about one spear’s length. This is when the Prophet (peace be upon him) and his successors used to offer it, and prior to the sun being at that height, prayer is discouraged.Ibn Qudamah, Al-Mughni, vol. 2, pp. 232–3.

It is recommended to start the Eid al-Adha prayer at the beginning of its time range and to delay the Eid al-Fitr prayer because the Prophet (peace be upon him) did that. People need to attend to their sacrifice after the prayer at Eid al-Adha, while the delay in Eid al-Fitr prayer helps a person who has not yet paid Zakat al-Fitr to pay it, as it must be paid up to immediately before the prayer.Al-Zuhaili, al-Fiqh al-Islami, vol. 2, p. 1,391.

 ‘It is also a Sunnah to eat a few dates before going out to offer the Eid al-Fitr prayer, and not to eat anything on Eid al-Adha until the Eid prayer has finished and one eats from his sacrifice, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) did that on these occasions.’ Related by al-Tirmidhi, hadith No. 542; Ibn Majah, hadith No. 1,756

It is not recommended for anyone who misses out on the Eid prayer to offer it after it has finished, because this was not reported as suggested by the Prophet (peace be upon him). Moreover, it is a prayer for which a certain congregation gathers. It must, therefore, be offered in this fashion.

‘The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to go out to pray the Eid prayer of al-Fitr and al-Adha in the open space.’ Related by al-Bukhari, hadith No. 956; Muslim, hadith No. 889

7. GIFTS

After a month of sacrifice, Eid Al- Fitr is a time of abundance, and not just with food. Gifts are often given, especially to children. Here at home we try to get our children gifts that pertain to or remind them of their growing faith. There are many websites that offer ideas for gifts for children. Islamic coloring books, reading books, games, etc. 

8. SWEETS!!

Eid al-Fitr is sometimes referred to as the Sugar Feast, due to the fact that a large part of the meal one eats at the festival is desserts. Different countries offer different types of sweets. Please follow our blog and check out Sister Marisa’s recipes. She has posted several recipes for this special occasion. 

9. SPIRITUAL MEANING 

Eid al-Fitr, as it follows the fasting of Ramadan, is also seen as a spiritual celebration of Allah’s provision of strength and endurance.Amid the reflection and rejoicing, Eid al-Fitr is a time for charity, known as Zakat al-Fitr. Eid is meant to be a time of joy and blessing for the entire Muslim community and a time for distributing one’s wealth. Charity to the poor is a highly emphasized value in Islam. 

The Quran says, “Believe in Allah and his messenger, and give charity out of the (substance) that Allah has made you heirs of. For those of you who believe and give charity – for them is a great reward.”( 57:7)

InshaAllah this Ramadan has been a joyous time for us all. May Allah accept all of our fasts, answer our duas, and forgive us all. InshaAllah. Ameen

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family. 

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Being Grateful

Being Grateful 

This blog was inspired by a post that I saw on a dear friend’s timeline this morning. This quote above. I’m sure we all consider ourselves to be grateful. We wake up each day and the first thing we say is Alhamdulliah. We are grateful for yet another day of life. Shortly after my husband and I were married, I noticed that he would wake up each morning and the first thing out of his mouth was Alhamdulillah. Thanking Allah for another day, another opportunity to praise Him and show gratitude. It still is. He has always said that we should say Alhamdulillah for everything, both in the good and the not so good times. In all honesty, how often do we show our gratitude? Although in a perfect world we would show our gratitude for all that we have all of the time. But the fact is we are human. We are weak. When things don’t go our way we complain. So often life gets the best of us and we tend to lose sight of what’s important. No matter what is going on in our lives, God wants us to appreciate everything. He does not want us to lose our way because of troublesome events. He encourages us to always see the positive side of any situation.

Allah encourages us to be grateful, but why? When we recognize the good things Allah has provided, we will understand He cares for us. This draws us closer to Him which is why being grateful to God is mentioned so often in the Quran.

”…BUT PERHAPS YOU HATE A THING AND IT IS GOOD FOR YOU; AND PERHAPS YOU LOVE A THING AND IT IS BAD FOR YOU. AND ALLAH KNOWS, WHILE YOU KNOW NOT.” [NOBLE QURAN 2:216]

It’s All About Perspective

Perhaps something we’re experiencing now seems bad or is a challenge for us. Many times it is how we look at things that determine how we will react to them. However, Allah swt is All-Knowing and Most Wise. He knows best and what is beneficial for us. Maybe it’s that promotion that we so badly want and felt we needed and didn’t get. Maybe it’s a job loss. Maybe it’s that vacation that we wanted to take but don’t have the money for. All of these examples can cause us to become impatient and unhappy therefore we begin to complain and wonder why? When we focus on the things that are not going our ways we lose sight of all of the blessings in our lives and there we become ungrateful. Yes this makes us ungrateful. The point is we should always be thankful because our knowledge of His plan for our lives is so limited. Allah swt reminds of this in the Quran: 

”…BUT PERHAPS YOU HATE A THING AND IT IS GOOD FOR YOU; AND PERHAPS YOU LOVE A THING AND IT IS BAD FOR YOU. AND ALLAH KNOWS, WHILE YOU KNOW NOT.” [NOBLE QURAN 2:216]

Focus on The Good

Instead of focusing on the things that may seem to be going wrong in our lives,, try to concentrate on the good. Your happiness is tied to your good deeds and guidance from Allah swt. We need to make a list of all the blessings in our lives. Then, we can begin to spread appreciation where it belongs; to Allah swt first, and to anyone who has had a part in each point on your list. As the famous saying goes, a thankful heart is a happy heart. God tells us of the benefit of gratefulness:

”BE GRATEFUL AND I WILL GIVE YOU MORE.” [NOBLE QURAN 14:7]

This does not only apply to an increase in material possessions, it also applies to an increase in spiritual awareness. 

Staying Thankful During Challenges

Challenges and obstacles are unavoidable parts of life. But what defines us is how we approach these obstacles. For example, Prophet Job was given major challenges in his life after being blessed with wealth, good health, and offspring. First, he lost all his wealth. Instead of complaining and turning his back on God in frustration and disappointment, he said

”What Allah has taken away from me belongs to Him. I was only its trustee for a while. He gives to whom He wills and withholds from whom He wills.” He continued worshiping and obeying God and being grateful for the remaining blessings he had.

Next, all his children were killed when their house crashed down. Instead of losing himself to depression and hurt, he said

 ”God sometimes gives and sometimes takes. He is sometimes pleased and sometimes displeased with our deeds. Whether a thing is beneficial or harmful to me, I will remain firm in my belief and remain thankful to my Creator.”

Finally, Job was afflicted with an illness that caused painful sores all over his body. He became so sick his friends and family abandoned him. Even during this time, he never lost patience or faith in God. After several years, Job cried to God asking for His mercy.

”And [mention] Job, when he called to his Lord, ”Indeed, adversity has touched me, and you are the Most Merciful of the merciful.” [Noble Quran 21:83]

Out of reward for his patience and gratitude during all the trials and hardships Job experienced, God granted him ease and restored his wealth, his health, and his children.

”SO WE RESPONDED TO HIM AND REMOVED WHAT AFFLICTED HIM OF ADVERSITY. AND WE GAVE HIM [BACK] HIS FAMILY AND THE LIKE THEREOF WITH THEM AS MERCY FROM US AND A REMINDER FOR THE WORSHIPPERS [OF GOD].” [NOBLE QURAN 21:84]

This example that Job gives us, serves as a reminder to us all to be grateful to our Creator even during those difficult times. 

Don’t Forget The Faithful

Not only does God remind you to thank Him, but also to thank His creation. The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) says in his hadith,

”WHOEVER IS NOT GRATEFUL TO THE PEOPLE, HE IS NOT GRATEFUL TO GOD.” [SAHIH TIRMIDHI]

Without good people around us that remind us of God, we would not be as grateful. Focus on these people, however, few they are, and they will drown out the harmful ones. Concentrate on the good things they do for us, their positive qualities, and remember everyone is flawed including yourself.

So knowing all of this, how can we remain grateful? Through the good and the bad. How can we focus on all of the good that He has given us so that we can one day experience all of the good that He has in store InshaAllah? Here are a few things that I myself have started doing. There have been times in my own life when it seemed like I was hardly ever grateful. I was so focussed on the unfortunate events that were happening, that I lost sight of all of His blessings. 

Tips on how to remain Grateful

1. Keep a daily journal. Write down all of the things that we are grateful for.  It could be as little as making breakfast, or as big as getting a new job. The important thing is you get in the habit of looking for and focusing on the  good things, and continually reminding yourself of the many blessings you are gifted with.

2. Surround yourself with positive people. If you find yourself being a Negative Nancy, avoid being around a Debbie Downer. Otherwise, you may adopt her ungrateful and pessimistic viewpoint. Seek friendships and companionship in people who will lift you up and remind you to be content.

3. Train yourself to see the good in every situation, even when it is difficult. For example, if you or a family member is sick, thank God you have access to healthcare because many people around the world don’t. Also, like prophet Job, thank God for the many years you have been healthy.

God is Great

So we must remind ourselves daily of all of the things that we have to be grateful for. Remember all that He has provided for us, and continues to provide. Remember that he will not give us more than we can bear. He knows what is best for us. He will only provide for us what is meant for us. No one can keep anything from us that He has willed for us. Be patient, He knows exactly what we need and what we don’t need. Have faith. Trust that He has an amazing, beautiful plan for each and everyone of us. 

May Allah swt keep us strong and faithful throughout the good and the bad times. Ameen

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family. 

Hold On, Pain Ends

As you know, we all go through pain, whether it’s physical or psychological. In fact, we’ve come across that friend, family member or even sometimes a stranger who comes up to us to seek some help. Without asking or going deeper into their issues, we often start judging, giving lame unsolicited advice like “have hope” and they end up asking themselves “how?” Or “where do I even begin?”

What we fail to understand is that our inspirational words aren’t easily digested by that depressed soul thus making them feel as though we are not yet ready to help them pick up the pieces. We need to understand someone battling depression is mentally blocked, the pain they are feeling has made them numb and exhausted so when you say  “please have hope”, “Everything will be okay” or “You are strong” they literally don’t understand a thing and that can even make them feel not cared for. 

Guiding Light

It is true that you want them to have hope. This leads you to say “things will be okay” even though it might not make sense to them. However, in trying to help them to move on, it may be good to show them the simple steps that will lift them up just by listening to them or asking what you could do to help. That way, you can just be their guiding light. 

They need to know that you are literally there for them, you are grieving at their pain, you love them dearly and that there is a solution to every single thing that’s troubling them.

Their situation can be somehow scary but then it’s good when you try to help rather than beating yourself up later on when things get worse. Regretting that you didn’t do much for them or you end up asking yourself endless questions like “Why did they commit suicide?” and so much more and unfortunately these questions have no answers. 

Allah says in the Quran: And worship Allah and associate naught with Him, and show kindness to parents, and to kindred, and orphans, and the needy, and to the neighbor that is a kinsman and the neighbor that is a stranger, and the companion by your side, and the wayfarer, and those whom your right hands possess. Surely, Allah loves not the proud and the boastful.  (Al Quran 4:37)

Do Not Belittle Anyone’s Feelings

Remember it doesn’t cost you a thing to help someone when they are at their lowest.  Dark days are part of life. Don’t belittle anyone’s feelings because you and I have got different ways of tackling problems. What makes you feel sad for a few days might make me battle depression for years. 

Don’t let anyone that comes to seek help go to the extent of hurting themselves just because you made fun or didn’t bother helping them when they needed you the most. Talk to them and tell them to hold on because pain ends. In one hadith, the prophet (Peace be Upon him) says:

O Aisha, Allah is gentle and He loves gentleness, and He rewards for gentleness what is not granted for harshness, and He does not reward anything else like it.

Source: Sahih Muslim 2593.

Muslim Women’s Islamic Right to Mahr

“Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem
Al-hamdu lillahi Rabb il-‘alamin
Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem
Maliki yawmi-d-Din
Iyya-ka na’budu wa iyya-ka nasta’in
Ihdina-sirat al-mustaqim
Sirat al-ladhina an’amta ‘alai-him
Ghair il-Maghdubi ‘alai-him wa la-d-dallin.”
~Al-Fatihah 1:1-7
In the name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful.
Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds:
The Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful:
Owner of the Day of Judgment.
Thee (alone) we worship; Thee (alone) we ask for help.
Show us the straight path:
The path of those whom Thou hast favored; Not (the path) of those who earn
Thine anger nor of those who go astray.
~Al-Fatihah 1:1-7

Al-Quran

What is Mahr?

“And give the women, upon marriage, their bridal gifts graciously.
But if they give up willingly to you anything of it,
then take it in satisfaction and ease.”
~An-Nisa, 4:4

Al-Quran

Mahr is a required part of every Muslim marriage contract. Mahr is a gift that the husband must give the wife at marriage. Upon receipt, a woman’s Mahr automatically becomes her separate property. It is essential to point out that a husband does not have to give Mahr in one part. Mahr may be given in two parts. The first part is called the muqaddam, or the prompt Mahr, which the wife must receive immediately before or after the marriage ceremony. The second part of Mahr is called the mu’akhar, and it is a
deferred and promised amount, payable at any agreed-upon date following the consummation of the marriage. Oftentimes, the deferred amount is more significant than the amount paid at marriage. In theory, the deferred amount provides the wife with a
means of support in case of husband’s death or divorce. The muqaddam should be viewed as important as the initial Mahr payment. It is an obligation to be fulfilled by the husband and considered a debt if not given to the wife within the agreed timeframe.
The Mahr in any Islamic marriage contract is a fundamental religious right of the wife. The husband may not reduce the Mahr. Upon the husband’s death, the deferred Mahr is paid from his estate before all other debts, because it is a religious requirement.
There is no limit on the type of Mahr a woman can request. It can be any type of property, such as gold, silver, real estate, currency, carpets, dishes, cars, clothes, books, household appliances, or any other thing(s) that can be owned. Women are typically advised that it is in their best interest, to set their Mahr to be real estate, gold, silver, or anything else of financial value. They are advised this so their Mahr’s value does not decrease over time and can be used later as her reserve. However this is a more cultural practice rather than Islamic practice.
Muslim women need to understand that she is the ONLY owner of this property, no matter her Mahr. No one, including her parents/guardians or husband, have the right to use, take possession of, sell, or transfer her property without her explicit consent. All profits of her properties also belong to her, alone.

Mahr is mentioned explicitly in the Hadiths as a condition for the legality of marriage. The Mahr is for the wife to spend as she wishes and can be cash, jewelry or any other thing of value. “…they had no right to marry her if they had the desire to do so, unless they deal justly with her and gave her a full amount of Mahr.”, as per Ursa bin Az-Zubair

“…they had no right to marry her if they had the desire to do so, unless they deal justly with her and gave her a full amount of Mahr.”, as per Ursa bin Az-Zubair


(Bukhari, Book 62, Number 71)

As per Sahl, ‘Then a man said, “O Allah’s Apostle! Marry her to me.” The Prophet asked him, “What have you got?” He said, “I
have got nothing.” The Prophet said, “Give her something, even an iron ring.” He said, “I have got nothing.” The Prophet asked (him), “How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?” He said, “So much and so much.” The Prophet said, “I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran.”’ (Bukhari, Book 62, Number 72). Not only do these Hadiths indicate that Mahr is a requirement for marriage, but they also are indicative that Mahr does not have to be costly. Over time, it has evolved into cultural
practice (in some countries) for women and their families to request large sums of cash or large amounts of gold. The Hadiths clearly indicate that this is not necessary.

In divorce cases, a woman is entitled to keep her Mahr, if the marriage has been consummated. As been Ibn ‘Umar, ‘The Prophet said, “You are not entitled to take back any money. If you have told the truth, the Mahr that you paid, was for having sexual
relations with her lawfully; and if you are a liar, then you are less entitled to get it back.”’ (Bukhari, Book 63, Number 262). If a woman divorces, before her marriage is consummated, she is still entitled to compensation by her husband. “There is no blame
upon you if you divorce women you have not touched nor specified for them an obligation. But give them [a gift of] compensation-the wealthy according to his capability and the poor according to his capability-a provision according to what is
acceptable, a duty upon the doers of good.” (Al-Baqarah, 2:236)

Islam established Mahr as an obligation husbands must gift their wives to solemnize their marriage. Mahr is to be determined by the wife according to her prospective husband’s means, and it becomes her sole property. Sisters should diligently exercise their right to their Mahr and marriage contract.

About the author:

Dr. Gabriela Martin was born in Mexico and raised in both the United States and Mexico. She received her education in the United States. She has undergraduate and graduate degrees in Special Education. She has a doctorate in Metaphysical Humanistic Studies. Dr. Martin is a Reiki Master/Teacher, Associate Practitioner NLP, Certified Holistic Life Coach, Holistic Health Practitioner, and an ordained non-denominational minister. She spent 23 years teaching and helping at-risk youth. Before retiring from the education field, her last teaching assignment was at an off-reservation Native American boarding school. To read her full bio, click here.

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Spouses and Parents

The rights a woman owes her parents remain intact and sacred, both before and after marriage. But obedience to the husband takes precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict. Having said this, the Muslim couple must strive to avoid the occurrence of such conflict.

The rights a woman owes her parents remain intact and sacred, both before and after marriage. But obedience to the husband takes precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict. Having said this, the Muslim couple must strive to avoid the occurrence of such conflict. 

The first and foremost right of the parents is to be obeyed and respected by their children. A hadith records that Prophet Muhammad PBUH defined “the greatest of great sins” as polytheism and refusing to obey one’s parents. However, what do we do once we are married? Unfortunately there will be times when we will have to side with and or defend our spouse. Taking your spouse’s side does not always mean going against your parents, but it can feel that way to them. When asked about the people who taught us the most, who were there for us through hardships, who laughed with us during the good times, who put up with us on our off days, most of us think immediately of our parents. And it is true: our parents are the ones who have been with us through almost everything in our lives. Our mothers carry us for nine grueling months before we are born, and for at least eighteen years afterwards, our parents, to list a few things, take care of us, teach us, help us, and provide for us financially and academically. Without them, most of us would not be in the places we are today. Respecting parents is one of the most significant aspects of Islam. Allah says in the Quran:

Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. (17:23)

 The first decree in this verse is to worship none but God. This is the first and most important pillar of Islam, and enjoining partners with God is the only unforgivable sin. The order right after this is kindness to parents. There are other major sins in Islam that could have been mentioned here, but the one God has forbidden us against here is disrespect to parents. We are told not to speak contemptuously to them. Throughout the Quran we are reminded just how important our parents are to us. How we should always treat them with kindness and respect. Holding one’s parents in high esteem is so important that, even if they tell us not to obey God’s command, we are still to treat them kindly. Allah says in the Quran,

But if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration). (31:15)

Imagine that. Even if our parents attempt to lead us, or worse, instruct us to head down the wrong path, we must still be kind to them. Even if our parents strive to make us commit the worst act in Islam, we must still treat them with justice.

Knowing what we know, how would we even bring ourselves to upset our parents? In any form or fashion. Many times when there is a dispute and or disagreement between our spouse and one or both of our parents, we find ourselves in very uncompromising positions. We find ourselves in a position where we have to choose. On one hand we have our parents or parents who, as we read above, deserve the utmost respect. On the other hand we have our spouse who we also know must be treated with the utmost respect as well. So again, what happens when the people most important to us, the ones who we are commanded to love and respect, collide so to speak? 

The husband-wife relationship is one of love and mercy, and from that love originates a miracle of life. Allah (SWT) says in the Qur’an, 

In Islam marriage being an obligatory act is so important that it is declared to be one half of single Muslim’s faith. It is narrated by Anas that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said,

 “When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.” 

Our Holy Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) also married and encouraged others to get married by saying: 

“A person who is able to support a wife and children and does not marry then he is not from us.”

Marriage has great importance in Islam, it emphasizes on not to delay in marriage as there is another Hadith of Prophet (SAW) related to marriage is:

 “Do not delay in three things; i) The offering of the compulsory prayer. ii) The offering of the funeral prayer when the dead body is present. iii) The marriage of a woman when her match is found”

Marriage is an act pleasing Allah Almighty because it is in accordance with his commandments that husband and wife love each other and help each other to make efforts to continue the human race and raise their children to become true servants of Allah.

With all of that being said, what role do we take on when both are in disagreement with one another. What happens when our parents are not happy with our spouses and vice versa for one reason or another?

Who comes first, my husband or my parents?

 As long as a woman is living in her fathers home, the father is her guardian and she must obey his commands and his directions. Once she gets married, then the responsibility moves over to her husband.

Muslim scholars view that a Muslim wife should obey her husband in all what he commands as long as it is not haram. If the parents interfere in this in a way that may shake the stability of the marital life, such interference should not be allowed.The responsibilities of a married woman towards her parents are like those of any other woman. The rights a woman owes her parents remain intact and sacred, both before and after marriage. But obedience to the husband takes precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict.Sheikh M. S. Al-Munajjid

Who comes first, my wife or my parents?

As a child, a son should obey his mother. When he has a wife, the mother is still important but she should not be given excessive importance to the detriment of the wife. It is a man’s responsibility to care and provide for his wife, and his parents when they become elderly.

Abu Huraira reported: A man asked the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, “Who is most deserving of my good company?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” The Prophet said “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet said, “Your father.”

First and foremost, it is pertinent to say that both the mother as well as the wife are important individuals in the life of a man. Each of them has a distinguished and unique status before a man. In Islam, a mother is held in a very high esteem and for her numerous sacrifices prior to and after the birth of her baby. She is given the highest position even more than that of a father. A child is therefore to be kind, obedient and to treat his or her mother gently and respectfully. In the same way, a wife is considered a partner in progress and a pillar in the achievement of peace and success in life. Thus, it is expected of a man to treat his wife with love, affection, mercy and kindness. In the same way an unkind treatment to one’s mother is considered a punishable sin in Islam, the unkind treatment to the wife is also considered a great sin which is punishable on the Day of Resurrection. In a nutshell, both the mother and the wife are very important in the life of a man and they were both assigned a very special and unique position in Islam.

So, a man is obligated to obey his parents in everything that does not involve sin. The mother has priority because of the sacrifices she made in bringing up her children and taking care of them from the time she felt the child moving in her womb. Meanwhile men must take good care of their wives and be kind to them. The relationship between mother and wife is not always harmonious as misunderstandings can happen. In this case, the precept of Islam advocates using justice and wisdom in dealing with such cases. It is true the priority is for mothers, but it does not mean that wives should be neglected.

At times our parents may have rights over our spouses and at times our spouses may have rights over our parents. Both have value in our lives, and one can never replace the other. It is our duty to first, do all that we can to avoid and prevent conflict between them. If conflict arises, sit down with all parties and try to have a discussion. Try to talk things out in hopes of finding some resolution. The best thing that we can do for our families is to continuously make an effort to keep things peaceful. 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

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Betrayal (Part 2)

The other day we discussed some of the things that we should do in the event someone close to us betrays us. However, what happens when we are the betrayer? What happens when we are the ones who have in fact hurt someone close to us? Whether it be a spouse, family member or good friend, what would we do if we found ourselves in this position? It seems a little different when we are on this side of the fence.

Betrayal Part 2

for every betrayer | Islamic quotes, Muslim quotes, Quran quotes

What Happens When We Are the Betrayer? 

The other day we discussed some of the things that we should do in the event someone close to us betrays us. However, what happens when we are the betrayer? What happens when we are the ones who have in fact hurt someone close to us? Whether it be a spouse, family member or good friend, what would we do if we found ourselves in this position? It seems a little different when we are on this side of the fence. 

If you’ve betrayed someone, it’s imperative that you learn how to understand the patterns and triggers that bring you to your worst impulses. Stop hurting the people you love and start getting honest with yourself and the world, in order to create a future you can actually be proud of. You’ll never be happy until you learn how to trust in yourself and others, but you have to make a commitment and put in the work to get there.

What is Betrayal?

At its most basic level, betrayal occurs when we take advantage of the trust and confidence of others. We can betray the trust of our friends, our family members, our co-workers, our spouses and our children. Betrayal can take place in a number of different ways, and in any interpersonal relationship where two or more parties find themselves sharing secrets, confidences or a certain level of mutual respect of trust.

Part of avoiding betrayal is knowing what betrayal looks like, but it can take place on a number of different levels, in a number of different ways. If you’ve betrayed someone’s trust, the first step in getting back is not only knowing what betrayal is; it’s also about learning how to spot betrayals before you fall into their traps. There are a number of different ways in which we can betray the ones we love, and not all of them are as cut-and-dry as cheating on a spouse. 

Different Types of Betrayal

When we think of betrayal, we often think of marital affairs or long term friendships that come to a drastic end. Betrayal isn’t always that simple though, and it isn’t always that black-and-white. Sometimes, we betray the people we care about most without ever realizing what we’ve done.

Emotional Affairs

Emotional affairs are betrayals that take place without sexual infidelity. These affairs can be both brief or long term, but they are especially damaging because of their complex nature. While a physical infidelity is generally easy to end (with limited attachment), an emotional affair is a deep one, and harder to walk away from than something that’s strictly physical.Relationships are all about giving and taking equally, with a flow that keeps us in check while keeping us in sync with our loved ones. Betraying that give and take isn’t just about bringing a third party into the relationship. It can also be about putting yourself and your needs (selfishly) before your partner’s. When you lose sight of your compassionate love and develop a “me, me, me” mentality — you’ve betrayed your loved one and what you once promised them, whether you realize it or not.When we truly love someone or care about them, we don’t expect them to change; we love them regardless of their flaws. Pressuring someone to change, or bullying them into doing things in a more convenient way for you is toxic. More than that, it’s a betrayal of the common trust that friends and partners should share between one another: the confidence of knowing that you can be yourself, no matter what.

Not Being Completely Honest

Committing an act of betrayal never feels good. Not for long, anyway. For that reason, many who engage in a betrayal of trust engage in withholding information, as a means of justifying their behavior. Withholding information from your friend or spouse is the same as lying, and the consequences and effects are just as damaging (if not more so). Lying is the age-old standard when it comes to betrayal, and it is the act that we engage in most often when it comes to stabbing the people we care about in the back. Telling a lie is the most basic violation of basic human decency, and it’s one of the most damaging and painful things we can to our loved ones and relationships — no matter how we choose to look at it.

Sticking Up For Our Loved Ones

Our friendships and our romantic relationships are all about teamwork, and that means sticking up for one another when the going gets tough. If you can’t stick up for your friends or loved ones when they need you, then you’re betraying their trust and ultimately, their confidence in you altogether. You have to take a stand for the people you love, and you have to make sure their boundaries are as honored as you’d honor your own.

Taking Advantage of Our Loved Ones

Every partnership or friendship comes with the understanding that you will both respect the boundaries of the other person. When you stop respecting those boundaries and start taking advantage of your friend or love, you’re betraying their trust in your and the mutual sense of respect you both should share for one another.

Why Do We Betray the People That We Love

Betraying the trust of those we claim to care for is a complex concept. While sometimes betrayal occurs on the back of a false friendship, most betrayals occur between individuals that actually care deeply for one another. Why? Why do we hurt the people that we’re supposed to care for? Well, there’s a number of reasons and some are more surprising than others. 

Self Sabotage

 There’s no denying the fact that we commonly lie to and betray people that we actually care for. While this might seem self-defeating (and it is) it’s also an extremely common form of self-sabotage that occurs when one person is struggling from low-self esteem. Cheating, lying and deceiving are some of the oldest forms of self-sabotage in the book, but it takes some inner-reflection and honesty to accept that. 

Unresolved Grief/ Loss of Identity

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind. It is not pathological and it is not a personality defect. It does not occur only when we lose a spouse, a child or a parent and it most definitely does not make us weak or less worthy for experiencing it. Grief occurs in a number of ways, and if you don’t resolve it, you’ll quickly find yourself looking for self-destructive outlets to alleviate your pain. When we lose our sense of self, we start to look for it in strange and unexpected places. We can lose critical pieces of our core identity when we go through major life events like death, marriage or even the loss of a career. These major upheavals cause shifts in our personalities and the way we see ourselves, and we reach blindly into the world in search of something that can reconnect us with our meaning again.

How Can We Move On

Most articles and ideas are meant to help the victims of betrayal to move on. It can be difficult to rebuild after you’ve betrayed the trust of someone you care about. Learning how to build open and meaningful relationships is hard, but it’s even harder to rebuild them after betrayal.Here are some tips that may help:

1. Open up

The first step in regaining the trust of anyone we’ve violated is opening up to them with the entirety of our truth. Whether we’ve snooped through our best friend’s things or committed the most heinous of acts behind our spouse’s back, if we want to get back on the right track, we have to start by opening up and it is better if we are able to do this before we get caught.

2. Make a commitment to be Honest from here on out

Once everything is out in the open, start dealing with it by committing to an honest and open future. It’s going to take time to prove yourself again, but that’s what an honest commitment is all about; doing a little each day to prove that the relationship is a beneficial one. Make a commitment to be honest with the person that you’ve hurt and commit to a more honest channel of communication in the future, even if those truths are hard to speak and even harder to swallow. We can generate more honesty in our lives by being ready to hear the truth ourselves. Be patient, and be open with your feelings as they’re happening, rather than waiting for them to fester in the darkness. Be honest with your needs as much as you’re honest about your emotions, and remember that you’re not a mindreader nor a body language expert. Guessing games equal disappointment every time, so be honest about what you need out of your commitment to be honest. 

3. Answer the questions

When we’re confronted with our betrayal, it can be hard to hear it let alone hear all of the pain that we’ve caused as a result of our poor choices and behaviors. The problem is, although we have hurt someone, we don’t get to choose how they resolve that pain. If you’ve hurt someone and they have questions, answer them, and don’t shy away from the truth. Part of being in a relationship whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship or work partnership, is having a mutual and understood level of trust. It also means owning up and helping our friends resolve their grief; especially when we’re the cause. Even if you think the question is stupid or repetitive, answer it, and don’t get sharp and don’t shift the blame. Rebuilding starts with answers, and you’re the only one who can give them.

4. Stop invalidating the feelings of others

One of the most toxic behaviors patterns of those who betray the people around them is their constant invalidation of the feelings of those people. In order to live more comfortably with their own guilt, betrayers often dispute and downplay the feelings of those around them. When their partner starts to question their behavior, they’ll change the topic or jump and flip things around, absolving their guilt and turning the conversation into something else entirely. You don’t have to agree with what your friend, spouse or partner says. You don’t even have to entertain it as a reality, but you do have to listen to it, and you do have to give them time to express the way they are feeling, as well as the needs they might have. 

5. Be Patient

Patience is key when it comes to healing not only our relationships with others, but also our relationships with ourselves. Coming back from betrayal is a process, for you and the person that you’ve hurt. Therefore, you have to be patient and understand that it’s going to take time for both of you, and not everything is going to be as smooth as you might like. Understand that regaining trust might take longer than you think. Understand that you may never regain that trust at all. Apologies are rarely the end of a matter, rather, they’re just a starting place. Be patient with yourself on your journey toward honesty, and be patient with the injured party too. It took time to get you into this mess, and it will take time to get you out. None of us is perfect, but all of us can be better…when we make the conscious decision to be.

6. Stop Making Excuses and Start Taking Responsibility

We use excuses to rationalize our actions and justify the poor choices that we have made.The problem is, however, that these rationalizations and excuses make it impossible for us to tap into true healing or recovery from these poor choices.Taking responsibility starts with accepting our personal role in the way things happen around us, and it ends with the realization that you alone are responsible for the way you react to the stressors and obstacles that life chooses to throw your way. Stop blaming others for the poor life choices you make. The only person who can choose to betray the trust of your loved ones is you.

7. Focus on recovery, rather than results

When we’re trying to fix something, we want to see instant results. But that’s not how recovery works. Coming back from living a life full of betrayal and deceit isn’t easy, but it is possible with time. If we want to become better people and we want to stop lying to the people around us, we have to keep focused on our journey back to honesty, rather than the direction we’re moving in. A breach in integrity is a hard thing to overcome. It’s a humbling experience and one that has lots of ups and downs, despite our desperate efforts to force things back to normal. Betrayal is a complex subject, and a complex and damaging event from which we have to find healing. Losing the trust of our friends, family and loved ones can be one of the most painful experiences we can endure, but it’s up to us to fix the wrongs we’ve created and find our way back to healthy and balanced relationships. That’s a journey that takes time. If we’ve betrayed someone we care for, we can’t invalidate their emotions or demean their expression of emotion. We need to take some time to understand what we’ve done and why we did it, and communicate that with our loved one when we’re ready (but before you get caught). Commit to an honest future, answer their questions and start taking responsibility for the pain that we’ve caused. Though we may not mean to injure those we love with our behavior, we do, and we don’t get to choose how they heal and find their resolutions. Focus on your recovery and have patience with the process. This pain wasn’t caused overnight and it won’t heal overnight either. Give yourself the time and space you both need to heal, so you can find a path to a better tomorrow.

May Allah heal all of our broken relationships, and make them stronger. InshaAllah. May we all realize any wrongs that we have done and have the patience to contribute to any healing. Ameen 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

Recent Posts:

Betrayal

They say that trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair. For many, broken trust is not even repairable. Sometimes the pain from being betrayed is just too much for us to bear. Not to mention the fear we have of it happening again. So what do we do when we have been betrayed? What happens when we are the betrayer? Is it possible to heal and move on? If so, how do we do that?

Betrayal Part One

Do not betray anyone who places his trust in you, even if he betrays you. And do not disclose his secrets, even if he discloses yours. -Imam Ali (AS)

They say that trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair. For many, broken trust is not even repairable. Sometimes the pain from being betrayed is just too much for us to bear. Not to mention the fear we have of it happening again. So what do we do when we have been betrayed? What happens when we are the betrayer? Is it possible to heal and move on? If so, how do we do that?

When we feel Betrayed 

So often we find ourselves in situations where we put our trust into another. Whether it is a spouse, family member, or a friend, having trust broken can have lasting effects on all parties involved. When we put our trust in someone, we are essentially giving them the most sacred parts of us. Our love, our secrets, the side that not everyone gets to see. Although there are many different levels of betrayal, they are all difficult to bounce back from. But not impossible. Before forgiveness and healing can begin, there are a few things that must be understood and done. 

Steps to forgiveness

  1. Acknowledge

We must first acknowledge the hurt that has been caused and how it has affected us. This can be difficult because this involves us realizing that not everyone around us is trustworthy. Acknowledging  that some of the people around us are not who we thought they were. 

  1. Acceptance 

We must accept the fact that what has been done has been done. We can not change the past. We must either accept it and begin the process of moving on or decide not to. There is no point in trying to move forward if we are unable to leave the past where it belongs. In the past. 

  1. Determine

We also have to determine whether or not we even want to hold onto the relationship. There are times when it may seem easier to just let the relationship go. This can be difficult when it involves a spouse or family member. 

  1. Repair

This can be really hard. Repairing trust that has been broken is probably one of the most difficult things to overcome. Once we have decided that the relationship is worth saving and that we are willing to leave the past behind and start fresh, we can begin to repair any damage that has been done. Or at least try.

  1. Learn

Here is an even harder step. We must learn from our mistakes and learn to forgive ourselves. I personally have beat myself up over times when I have trusted the wrong people. It’s important that we forgive ourselves and move on. Maybe another lesson to be learned is to not be so trusting with some people. 

  1. Forgiveness

The hardest part of all. Forgiveness. Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. It doesn’t mean that we  have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from our offender. However, forgiveness is important for our own mental health and is a key factor in our ability to move on. 

First we must understand that it is near  impossible to regain trust without first regaining control of our emotional well-being by finding our inner peace with the situation. Many of us struggle with forgiveness because we don’t want to let the other person off the hook for what they have done. Not only do we want them to fully understand what they have done, but we want them to be punished for their crimes so to speak. We want them to feel the pain that we felt, along with any other emotions we’ve felt as a result. However, chances are that won’t happen. Sure they may feel guilt, remorse, but at the end of the day they will most likely never feel exactly what we are feeling or have felt. So first we must make peace with ourselves and the situation. We need to acknowledge fully what has happened and accept it for what it is. Then we need to decide if moving on is even possible. Part of forgiveness and moving on is realizing that once it’s done, it’s done. It is now in the past and it needs to stay there. Any discussions that have anything to do with what  happened need to be for the purpose of healing, not hurting.  It does not need to be brought up everytime there is an argument or disagreement. Rebuilding broken trust takes a lot of time and work but if both parties are willing to do just that then perhaps it can be done. Recovery from a betrayal can be a long journey. Everyone walks the road to healing at a different pace. Betrayal traumas involve the perpetrator being in a close relationship with the victim. Due to this, their actions  feel deeply personal, rather than random. If someone pushed you as you were walking down the street, you would experience a sense of shock and fear but it wouldn’t cause you to doubt any of your closest relationships. Betrayal trauma is different because it jeopardizes the safety of the very relationship you would normally turn to for comfort when distressed, which causes an increased sense of vulnerability at a time when support is most needed. Betrayal by someone close to you, like a parent or a spouse, is a unique form of trauma and one that hurts tremendously. When a person who is supposed to love, respect, and support you betrays you, your world can feel like it’s shattering.

Betrayal in Islam 

When we entrust someone with a secret and then they disclose said secret, they have betrayed us. If we entrust someone with our money and they then misuse it, they have also broken our trust. When a spouse makes a commitment and is then unfaithful, they have broken that trust. All of these are examples of betrayal. 

All these acts indicate a weakness in faith and an inferiority of the soul. Betrayal is not only a major sin, but it is also hypocrisy in action. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:

 “The signs of a hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he is entrusted, he betrays [the trust].” A disloyal person is disliked, both by people and Allah The Almighty, as He Says (what means), {Indeed, Allah does not like everyone treacherous and ungrateful} [Quran 22: 38]. Such a man risks disclosure of his own secrets and exposing himself to scandals; and, none will defend or argue on his behalf, as he does not deserve it and because Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And do not be for the deceitful an advocate.} [Quran 4: 105] 

Practically all the moral values in Islam may be said to have something to do with the idea of trustworthiness as, according to Prophet Muhammad, dishonesty shuns belief and faith.The most destructive unjust deed to one’s self, family, society and state revolves around three vices: lying, breaking a promise and betraying a trust.

A  Muslim can never be a habitual liar nor a betrayer of trust as far as his ethics and morality is concerned.

The Prophet said that the one, who does not possess honesty, does not possess faith, and the one who does not keep his pledge, is not a Muslim (la imana li-man la amanata lahu wa la dina li-man la ‘ahda lahu, narrated by Ahmad, al-Tabarani, and al-Bayhaqi).

Following the Prophet, the first Caliph Abu Bakr al-Siddiq stated that “dishonesty shuns belief and faith (al-kidhb mujanab al-Iman),” while the second, Umar ibn al-Khattab, said that “there is no mu’min who is deceitful (la tajid al-mu’min kadhdhaban).”

In al-Hasan al-Basri’s apt summation of religious lip-service, “being untruthful is that in which hypocrisy is composed (al-kidhb jima’ al-nifaq)”.

Indeed, being untruthful contradicts being obedient and faithful to God.

Our Trust In Allah

Often when we experience betrayal, we begin to question why our Creator would allow us to go through such a thing. Many times our relationship with Allah swt can be affected by such betrayal. When we are doing all that we can to live a life that pleases Him and then He allows such things to happen. I am by no means trying to exaggerate the situation, but so often it is a spouse or dear friend who has betrayed us. Someone who we feel we need in our lives.  However, oftentimes we are given these trials so that we can see just who is all around us. Chances are we’ve seen many red flags and chosen to ignore them. This may be the only way for Allah to reveal to us who is really for us and who is not. Sadly not everyone we think is in our corner really is. They say that everyone in life is a blessing or a lesson. What I have learned is that Allah swt places and removes people in and from our lives for a reason. 

May Allah protect us from those who intend to do harm to us and surround us with those who are good for us. InshaAllah

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

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Conflict Between Muslims; Resolution Between Muslims

There may be a variety of reasons. Sometimes one person unintentionally upsets, mistreats or offends another. With so many going through so much these days, there are times when our personal situations/ feelings get the best of us and we end up taking those aggressions out on another. Then there are times when there are personality clashes. Disputes and disagreement typically take place with those we are around most. I.e. family, friends, colleagues. Islam advocates living in peace with God – the Creator and Lord of all that exists. As well as, seeking peace within our own selves, and living in peace with other human beings, and in peace with our surroundings and environment in its entirety.

Conflict Between Muslims; Resolution Between Muslims 

Peace and Conflict Revision - ppt video online download

Why do two or more people find themselves in the middle of a dispute or argument? 

There may be a variety of reasons. Sometimes one person unintentionally upsets, mistreats or offends another. With so many going through so much these days, there are times when our personal situations/ feelings get the best of us and we end up taking those aggressions out on another. Then there are times when there are personality clashes. Disputes and disagreement typically take place with those we are around most. I.e. family, friends, colleagues. Islam advocates living in peace with God – the Creator and Lord of all that exists. As well as, seeking peace within our own selves, and living in peace with other human beings, and in peace with our surroundings and environment in its entirety. 

All conflicts – whether they are interpersonal, or within the family and community, or national and international disturb this relationship of peace. 

In all cases of dispute, it is very important for the others around the two disputing people or groups, especially those in positions of authority, to wisely play the role of advocacy, pacification and moderation in order to prevent the situation from being blown out of proportion and causing a permanent straining of relations.There is a great reward for those who facilitate reconciliation between disputing parties. Narrated Abud Darda’, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

“Shall I not inform you of something more excellent in degree than (voluntary) fasting, prayer and almsgiving (sadaqah)?” The people replied, “Yes, Prophet of Allah!” He said, “It is putting things right between people. Spoiling relations is the shaver.” (Abu Dawud)

Disagreements Between the Prophets Companions

At a time when the ummah is riddled with many kinds of trials and tribulations, one of which is disunity brought on by arguments over matters of faith, which in many cases leads to outright physical fighting and killing, there is a dire need to highlight relevant incidents from the life of Prophet Muhammad SAW where he effectively resolved disputes between conflicting parties to bring about reconciliation.

The companions and wives of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) were the most devout Muslims in terms of righteousness and fear of Allah. Yet, they used to have disagreements that sometimes turned into disputes.

Many a time, one or both of the disputing parties would come to him complaining about the other, and he would use impartial judgment as well as Divinely-inspired wisdom to decide which one of them was wrong and needed to apologize or compensate the other.

The important thing to remember is that the Prophet was in a position of authority over them, and his decision was always the best, with absolutely no chance of being even slightly wrong.

Unfortunately, he is not with us anymore, which means that it is imperative for us average Muslims today to closely analyze how he handled the situations of conflict between his companions and wives, and what he did step-by-step in order to solve them.

Dispute Between Abu Bakr and Umar

Although I did my own independent research regarding disputes that the Prophet himself handled, I thought it would be best to copy and paste this example given by Sadaf Farooqi. 

Once, the two close friends Abu Bakr and Umar had a dispute with each other. Something that Abu Bakr did had made Umar angry, and even though Abu Bakr went after him asking for forgiveness, Umar slammed the door on his face in a huff.

Abu Bakr then came to sit in the company of the Prophet and his companions including Abud Darda (the narrator), and the Prophet immediately sensed, probably from Abu Bakr’s body language and facial expression, that he was disconcerted. However, Abu Bakr remained silent, until Umar himself arrived and narrated the story of what had transpired between them to the Prophet..

When the Prophet heard the details of this dispute, he became angry. Abu Bakr immediately admitted that he was more at fault as soon as he saw the Prophet’s anger. When the Prophet saw how Abu Bakr was not just admitting that he had been more wrong, but had also sought forgiveness from Umar, he undertook a two-step strategy to encourage Umar to forgive him.

First, he called Abu Bakr his friend or companion and asked all those seated around himself, twice, whether they would “leave” for him his companion i.e. whether they would desert the one friend who had always been by his side. This automatically hints at the way Abu Bakr had proved his loyalty to Allah as a comrade and helper of the Prophet, especially during adversities.

Next, the Prophet narrated an example to everyone seated around him, of Abu Bakr’s sincerity and loyalty to the Truth, by recalling how, when he had started proclaiming his Prophethood to mankind, everyone had called him a liar at first, except Abu Bakr, who had said, “You speak the truth”.

The lesson we can derive from this narration for solving disputes, is that we should hasten to forgive the one who admits that he has wronged us, and is sincerely seeking forgiveness for it.

Reconciliation can be facilitated by making the one who has been wronged recall the past good that the one who has wronged them has done to them, especially if there is glaring evidence of that person being very truthful, sincere, Allah-fearing and righteous.

The one who is angry should not remain aloof and diffident for too long from someone who has proven himself to be fiercely loyal to Prophet Muhammad.

Modern Day Disputes

For any Muslim who holds a position of authority of any kind, such as a household head, a parent, an employer of domestic staff, a manager in a corporation, or a ruling president/government official, it is very important for them to impart justice in resolving disputes between two people who are under their authority.

Many disputes begin at the level of the household unit – the family. Sadly, partiality and favoritism in a person occupying a position of authority (such as a parent) towards another member of the family often results in feelings of resentment in those who are deliberately and repeatedly wronged by the latter, and neither side feels that their feelings have been acknowledged or validated, nor have they been given the opportunity to defend  themselves. 

In most of these cases, the causes of disputes and fighting stem from how the authority figures of the household unwittingly commit injustice upon the weaker members of their extended family, or discriminate against some of them by giving preferential treatment to others. This can also be true for any situation where disputes are involved. Work, business, or personal friendships as well. 

Like the Prophet, had the authority figures in the household or in the workplace done their duty of executing justice and fairness between those involved in a dispute , and admitted their error the way the Prophet’s humble companions did, their family and or relationships would have been successful in avoiding recurrent disputes, disagreements, and most of all, the distancing between hearts that were initially close. They would have been able to live closer together in harmony.

The Prophets SAW Way

1. He heard complaints of both sides before passing a verdict.

2. He mentioned the good traits and righteous deeds of the wrong-doer if the latter was apologetic and repentant, to facilitate reconciliation.

3. He allowed the recipient of an undeserved verbal onslaught to defend their honor, even if they were younger in age.

4. He did not – and this is a very important key point – exhort the wronged person to keep silent in the name of patience and restraint. He did not allow their oppressor to continue with their injustices. Rather, he made sure that the wrongdoing was not just stopped, but that the one who was wronged also defended themselves.

Resolution and Building

As Muslims we are meant to maintain peaceful, healthy, meaningful relationships with God and with all of humanity. This relationship is disrupted by conflicts, whether interpersonal, communal, national or international. Its restoration is essential for the sake of fairness and justice. Peace-building efforts work towards preventing an escalation of conflict and establishing a durable and self-sustaining peace.

Here are some relevant verses from the Qur’an addressed to the Islamic community:

 “O You who believe! Stand out firmly for God, as witnesses to fair dealing, and let not the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to piety: and fear God. For God is well-acquainted with all you do” (Al Maidah 5:8). 

And:

 “O You who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to God, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or you kin, and whether it be against rich or poor: For God can best protect both. Follow not the lusts of your hearts, lest you swerve, and if distort justice or decline to do justice, verily God is well-acquainted with all that you do” (Al Nisa 4:135). 

Islamic scholars also emphasize promoting Islamic ethics in order to prevent, mediate, and resolve various conflicts. This must take place along with a personal transformation, developing spiritual awareness through Dhikr (constantly remembering God and His Grace), praying, and fasting. As well as through acts of charity and love for other human beings. 

One should exercise compassion and forgive others who have done him harm, and move away from greed, egocentricity, and harming others and work to live peacefully in cooperation with each other. Understanding all of this will help to build, rebuild, and maintain healthy relationships with those around us, as well as help to strengthen ourselves. 

May we do all that we can to maintain healthy relationships with those around us for the sake of Allah. InshaAllah 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family. 

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