How Should We Deal with Toxic Family Members ?

Rebecca Pena

How Should We Deal with Toxic Family Members

I’m sure that we’d all wish to have the perfect family: every member of the family being kind and loving. Parents fulfilling the rights of their children and vice-versa, harmony between siblings, a marriage with very few conflicts and loads of happy moments, and delightfully obedient children. Indeed, I doubt that such a family exists on this planet, yet it cannot be denied that there are some families whose happiness radiates wherever they may be; they have strong connections of love and affection. May Allah swt preserve such families. The truth is, however, that most of us have conflict and strife within our families; with our parents, siblings, cousins, spouses, children, in-laws, etc. Some of this conflict is minor, while some of it has left stains of trauma and wreaked havoc in our lives. Where I find stability and contentment, however, is in the realization of three important things:

1. Every family has their issues.
2. Pure happiness and contentment with one another is reserved for Paradise, and not the life of this world.
3. Even within our own Islamic tradition, we find countless examples of great people who dealt with all sorts of familial issues. 

What happens when we can not overcome or resolve those family issues? What do we do when the conflict is so severe, it seems that the relationship can not be repaired. When that hurt and or betrayal is just too overwhelming we can not seem to move past it. And, specifically during a time like the holy month of Ramadan. A time in which the focus should be about worshiping, giving, appreciation, gratefulness,blessings, many of which should include family. It is a time when we should be putting all of our personal feelings aside so that we can focus on strengthening our relationship with our Creator Allah swt. A time when we should be forgiving, while asking Him for forgiveness. A time to possibly mend those broken relationships.

How To Identify Toxic Family Members

When a family member’s words and actions have a negative impact on your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well being,  that’s a telltale sign that you’re being traumatized by this person. Here are a few more signs:

• You act differently around this individual. You are not your usual self and you are stressed out for days, even months after any encounter with this person.
• Flashbacks of the unpleasant events are a part of your daily life. You hear their disapproving voices and disappointed faces in the back of your head. 
• You’re exhausted from pent up anger, helplessness, and the fear of not being the good Muslim who can forgive things easily.
• You feel like you’re never good enough, not until you get their approval anyways.

Even in the case of our own Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him), his biggest critics were his family. But a hadith indicates that once a man said to the Messenger of Allah pbuh,

 “I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind towards them, but they insult me.”

The Prophet pbuh said,

 “If you are as you say, then it is as if you are putting hot dust in their mouths. Allah will continue to support you as long as you continue to do that.” (Reported by Muslim with commentary by al-Nawawi, 16/115).

Holding on to toxic family members is harmful for us. So how do we deal with them? We must take responsibility for our lives and take the necessary actions required to bring us peace. InshaAllah.

Give yourself permission to be happy

You might have been mistreated  by a family member for a long time. You thought, I’m used to it, no big deal, I don’t cringe as much when I’m talked down to, nor do I cry so much when I’m humiliated. But, then you all of those emotions and feelings sneak up on you when you least expect it. You feel emotionally drained all of the time, you can’t keep focus and end up taking it all out on your kids or your spouse. Toxic relationships are stressful for you and your loved ones. By doing this you are holding in too much. You’re burdening your soul with something that’s hurting you.Give yourself permission to release all of this pain and be happy. There is no reason why the abuse shouldn’t stop today. You can control what kind of people you want in your life, adding kind, supportive people to your life and limiting time with or eliminating any negative people. You have the right to a happier life, a life that’s a blessing from Allah swt. There is no reason to keep on holding on to people who bring you down and make your life miserable. Allow yourself to live a better life. Start by doing the right things and taking full responsibility for your happiness and well being. By doing this, you’re not only taking actions to improve your life but also setting an example for others, especially your kids.

Embark on acceptance

Acceptance can be a bitter pill to swallow, as you’ll need to learn to accept the realities of your life. But, this acceptance will make your life so much calmer when you come to terms with the way that things are. For whatever reason, you’ve been making excuse after excuse for this person’s behavior. You kept hoping for the impossible. You tell yourself maybe if I do “this” just once more, things will improve with them.  You turned the other cheek. You pretended it doesn’t matter because irrespective of how they’ve  treated you, they really mean well for you. Maybe you have been dealing with this for so long that you believe the nastiness doesn’t get to you anymore. After all, they were supposed to be there for you, not to hurt you.  Acceptance is a process. To begin this, understand that what was done to you is wrong. There’s no need to inflict yourself with too many painful details to begin your acceptance journey. There is no point in dwelling on these negative details that had happened in the past. It is hard to accept that your mom treats you differently than your brother. You’ll find yourself justifying her unfair behavior. After all she is the mom, she knows better. It’s difficult to make sense of why your in-laws prefer your brother in law over your husband, or her other grandkids over your kids. For whatever reason, you’ve been making excuse after excuse for this person’s behavior. You can’t reach a healthy level of  acceptance if you keep on asking the wrong questions! Start working on acceptance, today, right now. You will sway between acceptance and denial, but start the process anyway. When you don’t accept what is going on,  your life remains in limbo. But, when you accept the facts of your life, as unpleasant as they can be, you have something to work with to make your life better, InshaAllah.

Draw boundaries

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.“Sometimes we don’t have much control over some of the unfortunate events that occur in our lives. But most of the time, we can control the events in our lives. You can’t change the abuser but you certainly can change your relationship with them by defining what kind of relationship you’ll have and creating boundaries.. Drawing boundaries will help you establish a healthy relationship with your family members, toxic or not. These are the rules determined by you so you know what is acceptable to you and what is not. Sometimes we make these rules after getting burned too often or for too long. But, it’s never too late to set up boundaries to protect yourself.

Limit your exposure to toxic people

Toxic people and their negative behavior can traumatize you  if you allow them to.This is not something you want to get used to, no matter how close a family member this person is. Do your best to protect yourself. Limit your encounter with toxic people. You’re more in control than you think you are. But, you must be consistent with it. The message gets lost when you’re not consistently there to protect yourself. You can limit your visits and reduce the length of conversation over the phone. Consider making shorter, less frequent visits and phone calls. You must treat yourself the way you expect others to treat you. Keep your distance from negative family members who don’t treat you kindly and respectfully. You can’t change others’ actions but you can choose how to respond to them. There is no reason to keep people around in your lives who repeatedly aggravate you with lies, criticizes you, gossips about you, exploits you, mocks you and brings you down with stress and other negative feelings. Don’t surround yourself with these kinds of people. Stay away from them until they change their behavior. Do it as long as it takes. You deserve respect and peace.

But, what about cutting ties?

“Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain the bonds of kinship” (Bukhari)

This is a common ploy of abusive people, specifically family. They will bring quotes from the Quran and examples of Hadith and use these as a club to hit you even harder. They know that you’re afraid of sins and displeasing Allah swt so they find another way to abuse you more. This kind of behavior only exposes their double standard more explicitly. They will likely accuse you of:

• not following Islam properly.
• how you should be a better muslim.
• how good muslims don’t cut ties and forgive people (i.e let them abuse your forever),
• how you’re being so arrogant and ungrateful after they’d done so much for you.
• how you’re going to go to hell fire because for being a bad muslim

What about forgiveness?

Like acceptance, forgiveness is a process. It’s not a switch that you can turn on right away after you’re traumatized. So, be patient and don’t be hard on yourself for not being able to forgive your toxic family member right away. If you can find forgiveness in your heart, alhamdulillah, good for you. But if you can’t, don’t put yourself down by thinking that you are a lesser muslim. Pray to Allah swt, so you can work on your pain and eventually you can start taking steps toward forgiveness InshaAllah. If you’re struggling with forgiveness, keep in mind that forgiving someone is NOT the same as condoning what they did to you. It’s choosing to respond wisely to an unfortunate event. Forgiving is taking back control of your life from anger and stress that stems from how they treated you. Remember, no one gets away with oppressing another person. Allah swt accepts the prayers of an oppressed person and will bring the abuser to justice. Find calm and solace in Allah’s justice and wait for it’s manifestation inshaAllah.

Protect yourself from yourself

You can do this by following these few steps

• Distance yourself from them
• Don’t continuously think about the things that they have said and done to you. Leave the past in the past 
• Dont stoop to their level. Remember you own values and morals and follow them.Stooping to their level won’t change them so don’t let anger and bitterness take over.
• Try to not talk about them. In general backbiting is wrong as we all know, but the more that you talk about them, the more you’ll think about them. 
• Retaliation is not an option. Instead focus on how you can improve yourself. 
• Keep praying. Be patient. This will help you to become a stronger Muslim and you will be rewarded by Allah swt InshaAllah

As Ramadan approaches, it is important that we keep in mind that our soul purpose is to become closer to Allah swt. We must focus on Him and pray. Ask Him for guidance in such situations. It is possible to not have to cut ties with family, as this is a last resort, and still set boundaries in order to protect ourselves and hopefully heal and build healthy relationships.  Trust Allah to guide us all. After all He knows best. May Allah swt keep us strong and bring us closer to him and our loved ones this Ramadan.Ameen InshaAllah.

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.