Category: social

Culture Clashes in Marriage

In a perfect world we would have the time to learn and educate ourselves on our prospective spouse’s culture and customs, but often we don’t. We go into a marriage with the intention of learning as we go and being respectful and accepting along the way. But what happens when our differences in fact get in the way or cause problems? Although for the most part we live by the same moral code of ethics, which would normally help us get through anything, what happens when we find there are things that we just can not accept or adapt to?

Culture Clashes in Marriage 

When Culture Clashes | DTO

Marriage, also called matrimony, is a culturally recognised union between people, called spouses, that establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. Although we try to marry someone who shares our same culture. Ideas, and background, many times couples find that they have found love with someone who comes from a different background and has a different set of  customs than we do. This at times can result in a clashing of cultures. In a perfect world we would have the time to learn and educate ourselves on our prospective spouse’s culture and customs, but often we don’t. We go into a marriage with the intention of learning as we go and being respectful and accepting along the way. But what happens when our differences in fact get in the way or cause problems? Although for the most part we live by the same moral code of ethics, which would normally help us get through anything, what happens when we find there are things that we just can not accept or adapt to? 

While it can be a difficult road to choose, cross cultural marriages can work and can be extremely rewarding when partners are proactive and build healthy communication practices between themselves and their families. When two cultural backgrounds meet in a marriage, the relationship can be enriched. But obstacles first need to be identified and addressed. When we marry a person from a different culture, we are in fact stepping into another world. So how can we handle and deal with cultural differences? 

  1. Educate yourself and your family about the other culture. 

This can ease surprises and defuse potential conflicts. Ask questions of your partner. Research norms and expectations. Examine the differences between their culture and your own. Try to have an understanding of things that are accepting in and are not accepting in their culture. Then decide whether or not these differences are something that you feel you can adapt to in the event that they may cause clashing later on down the line.

  1. Challenge false beliefs you may have about the other culture.

 Discuss as a couple the belief system each person has, and explore those beliefs. If the beliefs are held simply because the extended family has said so or “society is just that way,” challenge them gently and respectfully. Try to find a happy medium without breaking any important customs or beliefs. 

  1. Discuss the positives and negatives of the two cultures and jointly choose which parts will best fit in your relationship

 Talk with your spouse about the weaknesses and strengths of your own culture. Decide which attributes of both cultures might enhance the household you’re building. Look for the best in each other.

  1. Adjust and adapt to one another’s cultures through compromise and communication

This takes humility and courage. It also takes a willingness to give up some of your desires in order to meet the other person’s needs. Listen to each other before identifying differences, problems and solutions. Do your best to help your spouse understand and adjust to things that they may not be accustomed to. 

  1. Be patient as your partner adapts

If you continually correct your spouse, he or she may lose interest in adjusting to your culture. People tend to gravitate toward familiarity so provide, as your spouse tries,  a revised and expanded way of living and perceiving.

Chances are that culture clashes will take place. When two people who come from completely different cultures get together,  there are almost always going to be differences. The important thing is how we respond to them, and how we handle them. Although it is best to try to learn as much as we can about our future spouse’s culture and have any discussions prior to marriage, that isn’t always how things happen. We need to be patient with our spouse. Remember, it takes a lifetime to learn what we know culturally. These are customs and ideas that we have learned over the course of our entire life and which are embedded in us. It isn’t something that can be taught and learned and understood in a few hours. 

Another thing to remember is how you both will come together to raise a family should you both choose to have one. How will you raise your children to love and appreciate both of your cultures? Remember why you both came together in the first place. Marriage is a lifelong commitment and it is important to be patient and understanding throughout. 

May Allah keep our marriages strong and may He give us patience to go through any obstacles that may present themselves. InshaAllah 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

Recent Posts

Betrayal (Part 2)

The other day we discussed some of the things that we should do in the event someone close to us betrays us. However, what happens when we are the betrayer? What happens when we are the ones who have in fact hurt someone close to us? Whether it be a spouse, family member or good friend, what would we do if we found ourselves in this position? It seems a little different when we are on this side of the fence.

Betrayal Part 2

for every betrayer | Islamic quotes, Muslim quotes, Quran quotes

What Happens When We Are the Betrayer? 

The other day we discussed some of the things that we should do in the event someone close to us betrays us. However, what happens when we are the betrayer? What happens when we are the ones who have in fact hurt someone close to us? Whether it be a spouse, family member or good friend, what would we do if we found ourselves in this position? It seems a little different when we are on this side of the fence. 

If you’ve betrayed someone, it’s imperative that you learn how to understand the patterns and triggers that bring you to your worst impulses. Stop hurting the people you love and start getting honest with yourself and the world, in order to create a future you can actually be proud of. You’ll never be happy until you learn how to trust in yourself and others, but you have to make a commitment and put in the work to get there.

What is Betrayal?

At its most basic level, betrayal occurs when we take advantage of the trust and confidence of others. We can betray the trust of our friends, our family members, our co-workers, our spouses and our children. Betrayal can take place in a number of different ways, and in any interpersonal relationship where two or more parties find themselves sharing secrets, confidences or a certain level of mutual respect of trust.

Part of avoiding betrayal is knowing what betrayal looks like, but it can take place on a number of different levels, in a number of different ways. If you’ve betrayed someone’s trust, the first step in getting back is not only knowing what betrayal is; it’s also about learning how to spot betrayals before you fall into their traps. There are a number of different ways in which we can betray the ones we love, and not all of them are as cut-and-dry as cheating on a spouse. 

Different Types of Betrayal

When we think of betrayal, we often think of marital affairs or long term friendships that come to a drastic end. Betrayal isn’t always that simple though, and it isn’t always that black-and-white. Sometimes, we betray the people we care about most without ever realizing what we’ve done.

Emotional Affairs

Emotional affairs are betrayals that take place without sexual infidelity. These affairs can be both brief or long term, but they are especially damaging because of their complex nature. While a physical infidelity is generally easy to end (with limited attachment), an emotional affair is a deep one, and harder to walk away from than something that’s strictly physical.Relationships are all about giving and taking equally, with a flow that keeps us in check while keeping us in sync with our loved ones. Betraying that give and take isn’t just about bringing a third party into the relationship. It can also be about putting yourself and your needs (selfishly) before your partner’s. When you lose sight of your compassionate love and develop a “me, me, me” mentality — you’ve betrayed your loved one and what you once promised them, whether you realize it or not.When we truly love someone or care about them, we don’t expect them to change; we love them regardless of their flaws. Pressuring someone to change, or bullying them into doing things in a more convenient way for you is toxic. More than that, it’s a betrayal of the common trust that friends and partners should share between one another: the confidence of knowing that you can be yourself, no matter what.

Not Being Completely Honest

Committing an act of betrayal never feels good. Not for long, anyway. For that reason, many who engage in a betrayal of trust engage in withholding information, as a means of justifying their behavior. Withholding information from your friend or spouse is the same as lying, and the consequences and effects are just as damaging (if not more so). Lying is the age-old standard when it comes to betrayal, and it is the act that we engage in most often when it comes to stabbing the people we care about in the back. Telling a lie is the most basic violation of basic human decency, and it’s one of the most damaging and painful things we can to our loved ones and relationships — no matter how we choose to look at it.

Sticking Up For Our Loved Ones

Our friendships and our romantic relationships are all about teamwork, and that means sticking up for one another when the going gets tough. If you can’t stick up for your friends or loved ones when they need you, then you’re betraying their trust and ultimately, their confidence in you altogether. You have to take a stand for the people you love, and you have to make sure their boundaries are as honored as you’d honor your own.

Taking Advantage of Our Loved Ones

Every partnership or friendship comes with the understanding that you will both respect the boundaries of the other person. When you stop respecting those boundaries and start taking advantage of your friend or love, you’re betraying their trust in your and the mutual sense of respect you both should share for one another.

Why Do We Betray the People That We Love

Betraying the trust of those we claim to care for is a complex concept. While sometimes betrayal occurs on the back of a false friendship, most betrayals occur between individuals that actually care deeply for one another. Why? Why do we hurt the people that we’re supposed to care for? Well, there’s a number of reasons and some are more surprising than others. 

Self Sabotage

 There’s no denying the fact that we commonly lie to and betray people that we actually care for. While this might seem self-defeating (and it is) it’s also an extremely common form of self-sabotage that occurs when one person is struggling from low-self esteem. Cheating, lying and deceiving are some of the oldest forms of self-sabotage in the book, but it takes some inner-reflection and honesty to accept that. 

Unresolved Grief/ Loss of Identity

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind. It is not pathological and it is not a personality defect. It does not occur only when we lose a spouse, a child or a parent and it most definitely does not make us weak or less worthy for experiencing it. Grief occurs in a number of ways, and if you don’t resolve it, you’ll quickly find yourself looking for self-destructive outlets to alleviate your pain. When we lose our sense of self, we start to look for it in strange and unexpected places. We can lose critical pieces of our core identity when we go through major life events like death, marriage or even the loss of a career. These major upheavals cause shifts in our personalities and the way we see ourselves, and we reach blindly into the world in search of something that can reconnect us with our meaning again.

How Can We Move On

Most articles and ideas are meant to help the victims of betrayal to move on. It can be difficult to rebuild after you’ve betrayed the trust of someone you care about. Learning how to build open and meaningful relationships is hard, but it’s even harder to rebuild them after betrayal.Here are some tips that may help:

1. Open up

The first step in regaining the trust of anyone we’ve violated is opening up to them with the entirety of our truth. Whether we’ve snooped through our best friend’s things or committed the most heinous of acts behind our spouse’s back, if we want to get back on the right track, we have to start by opening up and it is better if we are able to do this before we get caught.

2. Make a commitment to be Honest from here on out

Once everything is out in the open, start dealing with it by committing to an honest and open future. It’s going to take time to prove yourself again, but that’s what an honest commitment is all about; doing a little each day to prove that the relationship is a beneficial one. Make a commitment to be honest with the person that you’ve hurt and commit to a more honest channel of communication in the future, even if those truths are hard to speak and even harder to swallow. We can generate more honesty in our lives by being ready to hear the truth ourselves. Be patient, and be open with your feelings as they’re happening, rather than waiting for them to fester in the darkness. Be honest with your needs as much as you’re honest about your emotions, and remember that you’re not a mindreader nor a body language expert. Guessing games equal disappointment every time, so be honest about what you need out of your commitment to be honest. 

3. Answer the questions

When we’re confronted with our betrayal, it can be hard to hear it let alone hear all of the pain that we’ve caused as a result of our poor choices and behaviors. The problem is, although we have hurt someone, we don’t get to choose how they resolve that pain. If you’ve hurt someone and they have questions, answer them, and don’t shy away from the truth. Part of being in a relationship whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship or work partnership, is having a mutual and understood level of trust. It also means owning up and helping our friends resolve their grief; especially when we’re the cause. Even if you think the question is stupid or repetitive, answer it, and don’t get sharp and don’t shift the blame. Rebuilding starts with answers, and you’re the only one who can give them.

4. Stop invalidating the feelings of others

One of the most toxic behaviors patterns of those who betray the people around them is their constant invalidation of the feelings of those people. In order to live more comfortably with their own guilt, betrayers often dispute and downplay the feelings of those around them. When their partner starts to question their behavior, they’ll change the topic or jump and flip things around, absolving their guilt and turning the conversation into something else entirely. You don’t have to agree with what your friend, spouse or partner says. You don’t even have to entertain it as a reality, but you do have to listen to it, and you do have to give them time to express the way they are feeling, as well as the needs they might have. 

5. Be Patient

Patience is key when it comes to healing not only our relationships with others, but also our relationships with ourselves. Coming back from betrayal is a process, for you and the person that you’ve hurt. Therefore, you have to be patient and understand that it’s going to take time for both of you, and not everything is going to be as smooth as you might like. Understand that regaining trust might take longer than you think. Understand that you may never regain that trust at all. Apologies are rarely the end of a matter, rather, they’re just a starting place. Be patient with yourself on your journey toward honesty, and be patient with the injured party too. It took time to get you into this mess, and it will take time to get you out. None of us is perfect, but all of us can be better…when we make the conscious decision to be.

6. Stop Making Excuses and Start Taking Responsibility

We use excuses to rationalize our actions and justify the poor choices that we have made.The problem is, however, that these rationalizations and excuses make it impossible for us to tap into true healing or recovery from these poor choices.Taking responsibility starts with accepting our personal role in the way things happen around us, and it ends with the realization that you alone are responsible for the way you react to the stressors and obstacles that life chooses to throw your way. Stop blaming others for the poor life choices you make. The only person who can choose to betray the trust of your loved ones is you.

7. Focus on recovery, rather than results

When we’re trying to fix something, we want to see instant results. But that’s not how recovery works. Coming back from living a life full of betrayal and deceit isn’t easy, but it is possible with time. If we want to become better people and we want to stop lying to the people around us, we have to keep focused on our journey back to honesty, rather than the direction we’re moving in. A breach in integrity is a hard thing to overcome. It’s a humbling experience and one that has lots of ups and downs, despite our desperate efforts to force things back to normal. Betrayal is a complex subject, and a complex and damaging event from which we have to find healing. Losing the trust of our friends, family and loved ones can be one of the most painful experiences we can endure, but it’s up to us to fix the wrongs we’ve created and find our way back to healthy and balanced relationships. That’s a journey that takes time. If we’ve betrayed someone we care for, we can’t invalidate their emotions or demean their expression of emotion. We need to take some time to understand what we’ve done and why we did it, and communicate that with our loved one when we’re ready (but before you get caught). Commit to an honest future, answer their questions and start taking responsibility for the pain that we’ve caused. Though we may not mean to injure those we love with our behavior, we do, and we don’t get to choose how they heal and find their resolutions. Focus on your recovery and have patience with the process. This pain wasn’t caused overnight and it won’t heal overnight either. Give yourself the time and space you both need to heal, so you can find a path to a better tomorrow.

May Allah heal all of our broken relationships, and make them stronger. InshaAllah. May we all realize any wrongs that we have done and have the patience to contribute to any healing. Ameen 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

Recent Posts:

Betrayal

They say that trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair. For many, broken trust is not even repairable. Sometimes the pain from being betrayed is just too much for us to bear. Not to mention the fear we have of it happening again. So what do we do when we have been betrayed? What happens when we are the betrayer? Is it possible to heal and move on? If so, how do we do that?

Betrayal Part One

Do not betray anyone who places his trust in you, even if he betrays you. And do not disclose his secrets, even if he discloses yours. -Imam Ali (AS)

They say that trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair. For many, broken trust is not even repairable. Sometimes the pain from being betrayed is just too much for us to bear. Not to mention the fear we have of it happening again. So what do we do when we have been betrayed? What happens when we are the betrayer? Is it possible to heal and move on? If so, how do we do that?

When we feel Betrayed 

So often we find ourselves in situations where we put our trust into another. Whether it is a spouse, family member, or a friend, having trust broken can have lasting effects on all parties involved. When we put our trust in someone, we are essentially giving them the most sacred parts of us. Our love, our secrets, the side that not everyone gets to see. Although there are many different levels of betrayal, they are all difficult to bounce back from. But not impossible. Before forgiveness and healing can begin, there are a few things that must be understood and done. 

Steps to forgiveness

  1. Acknowledge

We must first acknowledge the hurt that has been caused and how it has affected us. This can be difficult because this involves us realizing that not everyone around us is trustworthy. Acknowledging  that some of the people around us are not who we thought they were. 

  1. Acceptance 

We must accept the fact that what has been done has been done. We can not change the past. We must either accept it and begin the process of moving on or decide not to. There is no point in trying to move forward if we are unable to leave the past where it belongs. In the past. 

  1. Determine

We also have to determine whether or not we even want to hold onto the relationship. There are times when it may seem easier to just let the relationship go. This can be difficult when it involves a spouse or family member. 

  1. Repair

This can be really hard. Repairing trust that has been broken is probably one of the most difficult things to overcome. Once we have decided that the relationship is worth saving and that we are willing to leave the past behind and start fresh, we can begin to repair any damage that has been done. Or at least try.

  1. Learn

Here is an even harder step. We must learn from our mistakes and learn to forgive ourselves. I personally have beat myself up over times when I have trusted the wrong people. It’s important that we forgive ourselves and move on. Maybe another lesson to be learned is to not be so trusting with some people. 

  1. Forgiveness

The hardest part of all. Forgiveness. Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. It doesn’t mean that we  have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from our offender. However, forgiveness is important for our own mental health and is a key factor in our ability to move on. 

First we must understand that it is near  impossible to regain trust without first regaining control of our emotional well-being by finding our inner peace with the situation. Many of us struggle with forgiveness because we don’t want to let the other person off the hook for what they have done. Not only do we want them to fully understand what they have done, but we want them to be punished for their crimes so to speak. We want them to feel the pain that we felt, along with any other emotions we’ve felt as a result. However, chances are that won’t happen. Sure they may feel guilt, remorse, but at the end of the day they will most likely never feel exactly what we are feeling or have felt. So first we must make peace with ourselves and the situation. We need to acknowledge fully what has happened and accept it for what it is. Then we need to decide if moving on is even possible. Part of forgiveness and moving on is realizing that once it’s done, it’s done. It is now in the past and it needs to stay there. Any discussions that have anything to do with what  happened need to be for the purpose of healing, not hurting.  It does not need to be brought up everytime there is an argument or disagreement. Rebuilding broken trust takes a lot of time and work but if both parties are willing to do just that then perhaps it can be done. Recovery from a betrayal can be a long journey. Everyone walks the road to healing at a different pace. Betrayal traumas involve the perpetrator being in a close relationship with the victim. Due to this, their actions  feel deeply personal, rather than random. If someone pushed you as you were walking down the street, you would experience a sense of shock and fear but it wouldn’t cause you to doubt any of your closest relationships. Betrayal trauma is different because it jeopardizes the safety of the very relationship you would normally turn to for comfort when distressed, which causes an increased sense of vulnerability at a time when support is most needed. Betrayal by someone close to you, like a parent or a spouse, is a unique form of trauma and one that hurts tremendously. When a person who is supposed to love, respect, and support you betrays you, your world can feel like it’s shattering.

Betrayal in Islam 

When we entrust someone with a secret and then they disclose said secret, they have betrayed us. If we entrust someone with our money and they then misuse it, they have also broken our trust. When a spouse makes a commitment and is then unfaithful, they have broken that trust. All of these are examples of betrayal. 

All these acts indicate a weakness in faith and an inferiority of the soul. Betrayal is not only a major sin, but it is also hypocrisy in action. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:

 “The signs of a hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he is entrusted, he betrays [the trust].” A disloyal person is disliked, both by people and Allah The Almighty, as He Says (what means), {Indeed, Allah does not like everyone treacherous and ungrateful} [Quran 22: 38]. Such a man risks disclosure of his own secrets and exposing himself to scandals; and, none will defend or argue on his behalf, as he does not deserve it and because Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And do not be for the deceitful an advocate.} [Quran 4: 105] 

Practically all the moral values in Islam may be said to have something to do with the idea of trustworthiness as, according to Prophet Muhammad, dishonesty shuns belief and faith.The most destructive unjust deed to one’s self, family, society and state revolves around three vices: lying, breaking a promise and betraying a trust.

A  Muslim can never be a habitual liar nor a betrayer of trust as far as his ethics and morality is concerned.

The Prophet said that the one, who does not possess honesty, does not possess faith, and the one who does not keep his pledge, is not a Muslim (la imana li-man la amanata lahu wa la dina li-man la ‘ahda lahu, narrated by Ahmad, al-Tabarani, and al-Bayhaqi).

Following the Prophet, the first Caliph Abu Bakr al-Siddiq stated that “dishonesty shuns belief and faith (al-kidhb mujanab al-Iman),” while the second, Umar ibn al-Khattab, said that “there is no mu’min who is deceitful (la tajid al-mu’min kadhdhaban).”

In al-Hasan al-Basri’s apt summation of religious lip-service, “being untruthful is that in which hypocrisy is composed (al-kidhb jima’ al-nifaq)”.

Indeed, being untruthful contradicts being obedient and faithful to God.

Our Trust In Allah

Often when we experience betrayal, we begin to question why our Creator would allow us to go through such a thing. Many times our relationship with Allah swt can be affected by such betrayal. When we are doing all that we can to live a life that pleases Him and then He allows such things to happen. I am by no means trying to exaggerate the situation, but so often it is a spouse or dear friend who has betrayed us. Someone who we feel we need in our lives.  However, oftentimes we are given these trials so that we can see just who is all around us. Chances are we’ve seen many red flags and chosen to ignore them. This may be the only way for Allah to reveal to us who is really for us and who is not. Sadly not everyone we think is in our corner really is. They say that everyone in life is a blessing or a lesson. What I have learned is that Allah swt places and removes people in and from our lives for a reason. 

May Allah protect us from those who intend to do harm to us and surround us with those who are good for us. InshaAllah

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

Recent Posts:

Conflict Between Muslims; Resolution Between Muslims

There may be a variety of reasons. Sometimes one person unintentionally upsets, mistreats or offends another. With so many going through so much these days, there are times when our personal situations/ feelings get the best of us and we end up taking those aggressions out on another. Then there are times when there are personality clashes. Disputes and disagreement typically take place with those we are around most. I.e. family, friends, colleagues. Islam advocates living in peace with God – the Creator and Lord of all that exists. As well as, seeking peace within our own selves, and living in peace with other human beings, and in peace with our surroundings and environment in its entirety.

Conflict Between Muslims; Resolution Between Muslims 

Peace and Conflict Revision - ppt video online download

Why do two or more people find themselves in the middle of a dispute or argument? 

There may be a variety of reasons. Sometimes one person unintentionally upsets, mistreats or offends another. With so many going through so much these days, there are times when our personal situations/ feelings get the best of us and we end up taking those aggressions out on another. Then there are times when there are personality clashes. Disputes and disagreement typically take place with those we are around most. I.e. family, friends, colleagues. Islam advocates living in peace with God – the Creator and Lord of all that exists. As well as, seeking peace within our own selves, and living in peace with other human beings, and in peace with our surroundings and environment in its entirety. 

All conflicts – whether they are interpersonal, or within the family and community, or national and international disturb this relationship of peace. 

In all cases of dispute, it is very important for the others around the two disputing people or groups, especially those in positions of authority, to wisely play the role of advocacy, pacification and moderation in order to prevent the situation from being blown out of proportion and causing a permanent straining of relations.There is a great reward for those who facilitate reconciliation between disputing parties. Narrated Abud Darda’, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

“Shall I not inform you of something more excellent in degree than (voluntary) fasting, prayer and almsgiving (sadaqah)?” The people replied, “Yes, Prophet of Allah!” He said, “It is putting things right between people. Spoiling relations is the shaver.” (Abu Dawud)

Disagreements Between the Prophets Companions

At a time when the ummah is riddled with many kinds of trials and tribulations, one of which is disunity brought on by arguments over matters of faith, which in many cases leads to outright physical fighting and killing, there is a dire need to highlight relevant incidents from the life of Prophet Muhammad SAW where he effectively resolved disputes between conflicting parties to bring about reconciliation.

The companions and wives of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) were the most devout Muslims in terms of righteousness and fear of Allah. Yet, they used to have disagreements that sometimes turned into disputes.

Many a time, one or both of the disputing parties would come to him complaining about the other, and he would use impartial judgment as well as Divinely-inspired wisdom to decide which one of them was wrong and needed to apologize or compensate the other.

The important thing to remember is that the Prophet was in a position of authority over them, and his decision was always the best, with absolutely no chance of being even slightly wrong.

Unfortunately, he is not with us anymore, which means that it is imperative for us average Muslims today to closely analyze how he handled the situations of conflict between his companions and wives, and what he did step-by-step in order to solve them.

Dispute Between Abu Bakr and Umar

Although I did my own independent research regarding disputes that the Prophet himself handled, I thought it would be best to copy and paste this example given by Sadaf Farooqi. 

Once, the two close friends Abu Bakr and Umar had a dispute with each other. Something that Abu Bakr did had made Umar angry, and even though Abu Bakr went after him asking for forgiveness, Umar slammed the door on his face in a huff.

Abu Bakr then came to sit in the company of the Prophet and his companions including Abud Darda (the narrator), and the Prophet immediately sensed, probably from Abu Bakr’s body language and facial expression, that he was disconcerted. However, Abu Bakr remained silent, until Umar himself arrived and narrated the story of what had transpired between them to the Prophet..

When the Prophet heard the details of this dispute, he became angry. Abu Bakr immediately admitted that he was more at fault as soon as he saw the Prophet’s anger. When the Prophet saw how Abu Bakr was not just admitting that he had been more wrong, but had also sought forgiveness from Umar, he undertook a two-step strategy to encourage Umar to forgive him.

First, he called Abu Bakr his friend or companion and asked all those seated around himself, twice, whether they would “leave” for him his companion i.e. whether they would desert the one friend who had always been by his side. This automatically hints at the way Abu Bakr had proved his loyalty to Allah as a comrade and helper of the Prophet, especially during adversities.

Next, the Prophet narrated an example to everyone seated around him, of Abu Bakr’s sincerity and loyalty to the Truth, by recalling how, when he had started proclaiming his Prophethood to mankind, everyone had called him a liar at first, except Abu Bakr, who had said, “You speak the truth”.

The lesson we can derive from this narration for solving disputes, is that we should hasten to forgive the one who admits that he has wronged us, and is sincerely seeking forgiveness for it.

Reconciliation can be facilitated by making the one who has been wronged recall the past good that the one who has wronged them has done to them, especially if there is glaring evidence of that person being very truthful, sincere, Allah-fearing and righteous.

The one who is angry should not remain aloof and diffident for too long from someone who has proven himself to be fiercely loyal to Prophet Muhammad.

Modern Day Disputes

For any Muslim who holds a position of authority of any kind, such as a household head, a parent, an employer of domestic staff, a manager in a corporation, or a ruling president/government official, it is very important for them to impart justice in resolving disputes between two people who are under their authority.

Many disputes begin at the level of the household unit – the family. Sadly, partiality and favoritism in a person occupying a position of authority (such as a parent) towards another member of the family often results in feelings of resentment in those who are deliberately and repeatedly wronged by the latter, and neither side feels that their feelings have been acknowledged or validated, nor have they been given the opportunity to defend  themselves. 

In most of these cases, the causes of disputes and fighting stem from how the authority figures of the household unwittingly commit injustice upon the weaker members of their extended family, or discriminate against some of them by giving preferential treatment to others. This can also be true for any situation where disputes are involved. Work, business, or personal friendships as well. 

Like the Prophet, had the authority figures in the household or in the workplace done their duty of executing justice and fairness between those involved in a dispute , and admitted their error the way the Prophet’s humble companions did, their family and or relationships would have been successful in avoiding recurrent disputes, disagreements, and most of all, the distancing between hearts that were initially close. They would have been able to live closer together in harmony.

The Prophets SAW Way

1. He heard complaints of both sides before passing a verdict.

2. He mentioned the good traits and righteous deeds of the wrong-doer if the latter was apologetic and repentant, to facilitate reconciliation.

3. He allowed the recipient of an undeserved verbal onslaught to defend their honor, even if they were younger in age.

4. He did not – and this is a very important key point – exhort the wronged person to keep silent in the name of patience and restraint. He did not allow their oppressor to continue with their injustices. Rather, he made sure that the wrongdoing was not just stopped, but that the one who was wronged also defended themselves.

Resolution and Building

As Muslims we are meant to maintain peaceful, healthy, meaningful relationships with God and with all of humanity. This relationship is disrupted by conflicts, whether interpersonal, communal, national or international. Its restoration is essential for the sake of fairness and justice. Peace-building efforts work towards preventing an escalation of conflict and establishing a durable and self-sustaining peace.

Here are some relevant verses from the Qur’an addressed to the Islamic community:

 “O You who believe! Stand out firmly for God, as witnesses to fair dealing, and let not the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to piety: and fear God. For God is well-acquainted with all you do” (Al Maidah 5:8). 

And:

 “O You who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to God, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or you kin, and whether it be against rich or poor: For God can best protect both. Follow not the lusts of your hearts, lest you swerve, and if distort justice or decline to do justice, verily God is well-acquainted with all that you do” (Al Nisa 4:135). 

Islamic scholars also emphasize promoting Islamic ethics in order to prevent, mediate, and resolve various conflicts. This must take place along with a personal transformation, developing spiritual awareness through Dhikr (constantly remembering God and His Grace), praying, and fasting. As well as through acts of charity and love for other human beings. 

One should exercise compassion and forgive others who have done him harm, and move away from greed, egocentricity, and harming others and work to live peacefully in cooperation with each other. Understanding all of this will help to build, rebuild, and maintain healthy relationships with those around us, as well as help to strengthen ourselves. 

May we do all that we can to maintain healthy relationships with those around us for the sake of Allah. InshaAllah 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family. 

When Tragedy Strikes

We are all aware of the tragedy that took place in Palestine at Al- Aqsa mosque on Friday night and continues. May Allah protect all of our brothers and sisters. Ongoing oppressive tragedies occur and have been occurring in countries all over the world. Many times we look upon it all and ask why. Why do such things happen and continue to happen? With so much going on around us, it is understandably easy to fall into a deep hole when witnessing all of the unfortunate realities around us. A positive change seems hopeless. We at times may feel helpless not knowing what to do, if there is even anything that we can do. What can help a person through such dark times? How can we remain hopeful and positive?

When Tragedy Strikes

Middle East coordinator calls for new and timely Palestinian election date | | UN News

Asalaam alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. We are all aware of the tragedy that took place in Palestine at Al- Aqsa mosque on Friday night and continues. May Allah protect all of our brothers and sisters. Ongoing oppressive tragedies occur and have been occurring in countries all over the world. Many times we look upon it all and ask why. Why do such things happen and continue to happen? With so much going on around us, it is understandably easy to fall into a deep hole when witnessing all of the unfortunate realities around us. A positive change seems hopeless. We at times may feel helpless not knowing what to do, if there is even anything that we can do. What can help a person through such dark times? How can we remain hopeful and positive? 

In the Quran, Allah tells us this world, albeit a tremendous blessing, is a place of trial. “And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, who, when disaster strikes them, say, ‘Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return’” (Q. 2:155-156).

These hardships that occur are tests for us, and in the face of them, we must be patient realizing they are temporary by the sheer reality that the world itself is temporary. The end of the quoted verse above is a phrase Muslims say upon hearing of someone’s death. The verses continue, 

 “Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided” (Q. 2:157).

Additionally, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: 

“No Muslim suffers weakness, illness, worry, sorrow, vexation, or gloom—even the thorn that pricks him—without Allah thereby expiating some of his misdeeds” (Bukhari).

Essentially even in the worst of the worst situations, there is some good that comes to us whether we are able to see it or not. While Islam encourages people to tackle calamities with patience, that in no way means to be a bystander in the face of oppression. If a person is stuck in an abusive relationship or dealing with something like depression, they most certainly should seek help from imams, counselors, and therapists. When tragedy hits a foreign nation, Muslims should look to help with their resources whether that be time or money. These things may seem minute, but Islam emphasizes doing good, no matter how small. Allah takes account of all things, and as such, even the smallest good we do can snowball into something much grander. 

Lastly, we must not ever lose hope. Allah encourages us in the Quran that with every hardship, certainly there is ease. No matter how bleak outcomes look at a certain point, Muslims are told to never lose hope in Allah. Instead, turn to Him, supplicate, do your due diligence, and trust that everything happens according to His will and He knows best.

So,Verily with the hardship,there is relief :: Quran Ayat Photo | Islamic Quotes Directory

Pray today and every day for peace in this country and in this world, tranquility and ease for all those suffering, and ongoing sustenance for those doing well. May God allow us to put our trust in Him and be of those who stand up against oppression while never forgetting He is truly the one in control. May He protect us from hardships and tragedies and keep us in a constant state of thankfulness for our blessings.InshaAllah Ameen 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family. 

EID AL-FITR

Eid is a worldwide festival and celebration for Muslims. During the calendar year there are two Eid’s that are celebrated by Muslims. Today we are going to discuss Eid al Fitr, which means “festival to break the fast.” It is at the end of the holy month of Ramadan in which Muslims fast for the entire month. The name of this special holiday is a literal translation of the event that is being celebrated. Festival of breaking the fast or the feast of fast breaking.

EID AL-FITR

Eid in Arabic means “feast, festival, holiday.” Eid is a worldwide festival and celebration for Muslims. During the calendar year there are two Eid’s that are celebrated by Muslims. Today we are going to discuss Eid al Fitr, which means “festival to break the fast.” It is at the end of the holy month of Ramadan in which Muslims fast for the entire month. The name of this special holiday is a literal translation of the event that is being celebrated. Festival of breaking the fast or the feast of fast breaking. 

1. IT’S HELD TO CELEBRATE THE END OF FASTING.

During the month of Ramadan, Muslims fast from sunup to sundown to honor the month that the Quran was revealed to the Prophet Mohammed (SAW). Eid al-Fitr celebrates the end of the month and the end of the fasting. The prolonged fasting isn’t just about food. It also includes abstaining from taking medications, drinking any liquids (including water), smoking, and having sex. 

2. EID AL- FITR BEGINS WHEN THE NEW MOON IS FIRST SIGHTED

Eid al- fitr doesn’t begin until the new moon appears in the sky ( although traditionally, and still today for many Muslims, it doesn’t begin until the barest sliver of a crescent moon is seen). Technically, that means that across the world, Eid al-Fitr starts at different times and even different days, depending on location. To make it more uniform, some Muslims celebrate Eid when the new moon appears over Mecca instead of their own locations.

3. EID AL-FITR TYPICALLY LASTS FOR THREE DAYS

The festival traditionally lasts for three days, but depending on how it falls on the calendar, the parties and festivities could last much longer. For example, if the three days fall mid-week, Muslims will likely still be celebrating over the weekend.

4. ON EID MORNING, MUSLIMS CLEANSE THEIR BODIES AND WEAR NEW CLOTHES

Before leaving to perform morning prayers, Muslims wake up to cleanse their bodies in a ritual called “ghusl.” Then, similar to getting new clothes for Easter Sunday, Muslims often wear something new or grab their finest threads and decorate their hands with elaborate henna patterns. Some people wear traditional dress, while others choose contemporary clothing.

5. HAPPY EID!

During Eid, one of the most common things you’ll hear people say to one another is “Eid Mubarak!” This literally means “blessed Eid” and is a way of expressing celebration. You might also hear “Eid sa’id” which means “happy Eid”.

6. PRAYERS 

After getting dressed and ready for the day, Muslims gather inside mosques or outdoor locations. The Eid prayer is a collective duty, which means that when some Muslims offer it, the rest are not accountable for their omission. If no one offers it, then all share in the sin. This is because it is one of the clearest manifestations of the community. Also, the Prophet (peace be upon him) always did it, as did his Companions after he had passed away. The Prophet (peace be upon him) even ordered that women who were in their periods, and were as a result exempt from prayer, attend it, but were not to take part in the prayer itself. They share in its blessings and in the joy of the community, which clearly indicates its importance. If the Prophet (peace be upon him) ordered women who were exempt from prayer to attend, then its attendance is a must for men. In fact some scholars consider it a mandatory duty on all men. It is a Sunnah, recommended, that the Eid prayer is organized at an open, well known space, preferably outside the village or town, so that the community can gather and perform this distinctive act of worship. However, if it is offered in mosques for one reason or another, the prayer is still valid.

The Eid prayer becomes due at the time when the Sunnah prayer known as Duha is due, which means it starts when the sun has risen in the sky about one spear’s length. This is when the Prophet (peace be upon him) and his successors used to offer it, and prior to the sun being at that height, prayer is discouraged.Ibn Qudamah, Al-Mughni, vol. 2, pp. 232–3.

It is recommended to start the Eid al-Adha prayer at the beginning of its time range and to delay the Eid al-Fitr prayer because the Prophet (peace be upon him) did that. People need to attend to their sacrifice after the prayer at Eid al-Adha, while the delay in Eid al-Fitr prayer helps a person who has not yet paid Zakat al-Fitr to pay it, as it must be paid up to immediately before the prayer.Al-Zuhaili, al-Fiqh al-Islami, vol. 2, p. 1,391.

 ‘It is also a Sunnah to eat a few dates before going out to offer the Eid al-Fitr prayer, and not to eat anything on Eid al-Adha until the Eid prayer has finished and one eats from his sacrifice, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) did that on these occasions.’ Related by al-Tirmidhi, hadith No. 542; Ibn Majah, hadith No. 1,756

It is not recommended for anyone who misses out on the Eid prayer to offer it after it has finished, because this was not reported as suggested by the Prophet (peace be upon him). Moreover, it is a prayer for which a certain congregation gathers. It must, therefore, be offered in this fashion.

‘The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to go out to pray the Eid prayer of al-Fitr and al-Adha in the open space.’ Related by al-Bukhari, hadith No. 956; Muslim, hadith No. 889

7. GIFTS

After a month of sacrifice, Eid Al- Fitr is a time of abundance, and not just with food. Gifts are often given, especially to children. Here at home we try to get our children gifts that pertain to or remind them of their growing faith. There are many websites that offer ideas for gifts for children. Islamic coloring books, reading books, games, etc. 

8. SWEETS!!

Eid al-Fitr is sometimes referred to as the Sugar Feast, due to the fact that a large part of the meal one eats at the festival is desserts. Different countries offer different types of sweets. Please follow our blog and check out Sister Marisa’s recipes. She has posted several recipes for this special occasion. 

9. SPIRITUAL MEANING 

Eid al-Fitr, as it follows the fasting of Ramadan, is also seen as a spiritual celebration of Allah’s provision of strength and endurance.Amid the reflection and rejoicing, Eid al-Fitr is a time for charity, known as Zakat al-Fitr. Eid is meant to be a time of joy and blessing for the entire Muslim community and a time for distributing one’s wealth. Charity to the poor is a highly emphasized value in Islam. 

The Quran says, “Believe in Allah and his messenger, and give charity out of the (substance) that Allah has made you heirs of. For those of you who believe and give charity – for them is a great reward.”( 57:7)

InshaAllah this Ramadan has been a joyous time for us all. May Allah accept all of our fasts, answer our duas, and forgive us all. InshaAllah. Ameen

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family. 

Recent Posts:

Subscribe To Our Newsletter