Category: religious

Spouses and Parents

The rights a woman owes her parents remain intact and sacred, both before and after marriage. But obedience to the husband takes precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict. Having said this, the Muslim couple must strive to avoid the occurrence of such conflict.

The rights a woman owes her parents remain intact and sacred, both before and after marriage. But obedience to the husband takes precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict. Having said this, the Muslim couple must strive to avoid the occurrence of such conflict. 

The first and foremost right of the parents is to be obeyed and respected by their children. A hadith records that Prophet Muhammad PBUH defined “the greatest of great sins” as polytheism and refusing to obey one’s parents. However, what do we do once we are married? Unfortunately there will be times when we will have to side with and or defend our spouse. Taking your spouse’s side does not always mean going against your parents, but it can feel that way to them. When asked about the people who taught us the most, who were there for us through hardships, who laughed with us during the good times, who put up with us on our off days, most of us think immediately of our parents. And it is true: our parents are the ones who have been with us through almost everything in our lives. Our mothers carry us for nine grueling months before we are born, and for at least eighteen years afterwards, our parents, to list a few things, take care of us, teach us, help us, and provide for us financially and academically. Without them, most of us would not be in the places we are today. Respecting parents is one of the most significant aspects of Islam. Allah says in the Quran:

Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. (17:23)

 The first decree in this verse is to worship none but God. This is the first and most important pillar of Islam, and enjoining partners with God is the only unforgivable sin. The order right after this is kindness to parents. There are other major sins in Islam that could have been mentioned here, but the one God has forbidden us against here is disrespect to parents. We are told not to speak contemptuously to them. Throughout the Quran we are reminded just how important our parents are to us. How we should always treat them with kindness and respect. Holding one’s parents in high esteem is so important that, even if they tell us not to obey God’s command, we are still to treat them kindly. Allah says in the Quran,

But if they strive to make you join in worship with Me things of which you have no knowledge, obey them not; yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration). (31:15)

Imagine that. Even if our parents attempt to lead us, or worse, instruct us to head down the wrong path, we must still be kind to them. Even if our parents strive to make us commit the worst act in Islam, we must still treat them with justice.

Knowing what we know, how would we even bring ourselves to upset our parents? In any form or fashion. Many times when there is a dispute and or disagreement between our spouse and one or both of our parents, we find ourselves in very uncompromising positions. We find ourselves in a position where we have to choose. On one hand we have our parents or parents who, as we read above, deserve the utmost respect. On the other hand we have our spouse who we also know must be treated with the utmost respect as well. So again, what happens when the people most important to us, the ones who we are commanded to love and respect, collide so to speak? 

The husband-wife relationship is one of love and mercy, and from that love originates a miracle of life. Allah (SWT) says in the Qur’an, 

In Islam marriage being an obligatory act is so important that it is declared to be one half of single Muslim’s faith. It is narrated by Anas that the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said,

 “When a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half.” 

Our Holy Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) also married and encouraged others to get married by saying: 

“A person who is able to support a wife and children and does not marry then he is not from us.”

Marriage has great importance in Islam, it emphasizes on not to delay in marriage as there is another Hadith of Prophet (SAW) related to marriage is:

 “Do not delay in three things; i) The offering of the compulsory prayer. ii) The offering of the funeral prayer when the dead body is present. iii) The marriage of a woman when her match is found”

Marriage is an act pleasing Allah Almighty because it is in accordance with his commandments that husband and wife love each other and help each other to make efforts to continue the human race and raise their children to become true servants of Allah.

With all of that being said, what role do we take on when both are in disagreement with one another. What happens when our parents are not happy with our spouses and vice versa for one reason or another?

Who comes first, my husband or my parents?

 As long as a woman is living in her fathers home, the father is her guardian and she must obey his commands and his directions. Once she gets married, then the responsibility moves over to her husband.

Muslim scholars view that a Muslim wife should obey her husband in all what he commands as long as it is not haram. If the parents interfere in this in a way that may shake the stability of the marital life, such interference should not be allowed.The responsibilities of a married woman towards her parents are like those of any other woman. The rights a woman owes her parents remain intact and sacred, both before and after marriage. But obedience to the husband takes precedence over obedience to the parents if there is a conflict.Sheikh M. S. Al-Munajjid

Who comes first, my wife or my parents?

As a child, a son should obey his mother. When he has a wife, the mother is still important but she should not be given excessive importance to the detriment of the wife. It is a man’s responsibility to care and provide for his wife, and his parents when they become elderly.

Abu Huraira reported: A man asked the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, “Who is most deserving of my good company?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man asked, “Then who?” The Prophet said “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet said, “Your mother.” The man asked again, “Then who?” The Prophet said, “Your father.”

First and foremost, it is pertinent to say that both the mother as well as the wife are important individuals in the life of a man. Each of them has a distinguished and unique status before a man. In Islam, a mother is held in a very high esteem and for her numerous sacrifices prior to and after the birth of her baby. She is given the highest position even more than that of a father. A child is therefore to be kind, obedient and to treat his or her mother gently and respectfully. In the same way, a wife is considered a partner in progress and a pillar in the achievement of peace and success in life. Thus, it is expected of a man to treat his wife with love, affection, mercy and kindness. In the same way an unkind treatment to one’s mother is considered a punishable sin in Islam, the unkind treatment to the wife is also considered a great sin which is punishable on the Day of Resurrection. In a nutshell, both the mother and the wife are very important in the life of a man and they were both assigned a very special and unique position in Islam.

So, a man is obligated to obey his parents in everything that does not involve sin. The mother has priority because of the sacrifices she made in bringing up her children and taking care of them from the time she felt the child moving in her womb. Meanwhile men must take good care of their wives and be kind to them. The relationship between mother and wife is not always harmonious as misunderstandings can happen. In this case, the precept of Islam advocates using justice and wisdom in dealing with such cases. It is true the priority is for mothers, but it does not mean that wives should be neglected.

At times our parents may have rights over our spouses and at times our spouses may have rights over our parents. Both have value in our lives, and one can never replace the other. It is our duty to first, do all that we can to avoid and prevent conflict between them. If conflict arises, sit down with all parties and try to have a discussion. Try to talk things out in hopes of finding some resolution. The best thing that we can do for our families is to continuously make an effort to keep things peaceful. 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

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Betrayal (Part 2)

The other day we discussed some of the things that we should do in the event someone close to us betrays us. However, what happens when we are the betrayer? What happens when we are the ones who have in fact hurt someone close to us? Whether it be a spouse, family member or good friend, what would we do if we found ourselves in this position? It seems a little different when we are on this side of the fence.

Betrayal Part 2

for every betrayer | Islamic quotes, Muslim quotes, Quran quotes

What Happens When We Are the Betrayer? 

The other day we discussed some of the things that we should do in the event someone close to us betrays us. However, what happens when we are the betrayer? What happens when we are the ones who have in fact hurt someone close to us? Whether it be a spouse, family member or good friend, what would we do if we found ourselves in this position? It seems a little different when we are on this side of the fence. 

If you’ve betrayed someone, it’s imperative that you learn how to understand the patterns and triggers that bring you to your worst impulses. Stop hurting the people you love and start getting honest with yourself and the world, in order to create a future you can actually be proud of. You’ll never be happy until you learn how to trust in yourself and others, but you have to make a commitment and put in the work to get there.

What is Betrayal?

At its most basic level, betrayal occurs when we take advantage of the trust and confidence of others. We can betray the trust of our friends, our family members, our co-workers, our spouses and our children. Betrayal can take place in a number of different ways, and in any interpersonal relationship where two or more parties find themselves sharing secrets, confidences or a certain level of mutual respect of trust.

Part of avoiding betrayal is knowing what betrayal looks like, but it can take place on a number of different levels, in a number of different ways. If you’ve betrayed someone’s trust, the first step in getting back is not only knowing what betrayal is; it’s also about learning how to spot betrayals before you fall into their traps. There are a number of different ways in which we can betray the ones we love, and not all of them are as cut-and-dry as cheating on a spouse. 

Different Types of Betrayal

When we think of betrayal, we often think of marital affairs or long term friendships that come to a drastic end. Betrayal isn’t always that simple though, and it isn’t always that black-and-white. Sometimes, we betray the people we care about most without ever realizing what we’ve done.

Emotional Affairs

Emotional affairs are betrayals that take place without sexual infidelity. These affairs can be both brief or long term, but they are especially damaging because of their complex nature. While a physical infidelity is generally easy to end (with limited attachment), an emotional affair is a deep one, and harder to walk away from than something that’s strictly physical.Relationships are all about giving and taking equally, with a flow that keeps us in check while keeping us in sync with our loved ones. Betraying that give and take isn’t just about bringing a third party into the relationship. It can also be about putting yourself and your needs (selfishly) before your partner’s. When you lose sight of your compassionate love and develop a “me, me, me” mentality — you’ve betrayed your loved one and what you once promised them, whether you realize it or not.When we truly love someone or care about them, we don’t expect them to change; we love them regardless of their flaws. Pressuring someone to change, or bullying them into doing things in a more convenient way for you is toxic. More than that, it’s a betrayal of the common trust that friends and partners should share between one another: the confidence of knowing that you can be yourself, no matter what.

Not Being Completely Honest

Committing an act of betrayal never feels good. Not for long, anyway. For that reason, many who engage in a betrayal of trust engage in withholding information, as a means of justifying their behavior. Withholding information from your friend or spouse is the same as lying, and the consequences and effects are just as damaging (if not more so). Lying is the age-old standard when it comes to betrayal, and it is the act that we engage in most often when it comes to stabbing the people we care about in the back. Telling a lie is the most basic violation of basic human decency, and it’s one of the most damaging and painful things we can to our loved ones and relationships — no matter how we choose to look at it.

Sticking Up For Our Loved Ones

Our friendships and our romantic relationships are all about teamwork, and that means sticking up for one another when the going gets tough. If you can’t stick up for your friends or loved ones when they need you, then you’re betraying their trust and ultimately, their confidence in you altogether. You have to take a stand for the people you love, and you have to make sure their boundaries are as honored as you’d honor your own.

Taking Advantage of Our Loved Ones

Every partnership or friendship comes with the understanding that you will both respect the boundaries of the other person. When you stop respecting those boundaries and start taking advantage of your friend or love, you’re betraying their trust in your and the mutual sense of respect you both should share for one another.

Why Do We Betray the People That We Love

Betraying the trust of those we claim to care for is a complex concept. While sometimes betrayal occurs on the back of a false friendship, most betrayals occur between individuals that actually care deeply for one another. Why? Why do we hurt the people that we’re supposed to care for? Well, there’s a number of reasons and some are more surprising than others. 

Self Sabotage

 There’s no denying the fact that we commonly lie to and betray people that we actually care for. While this might seem self-defeating (and it is) it’s also an extremely common form of self-sabotage that occurs when one person is struggling from low-self esteem. Cheating, lying and deceiving are some of the oldest forms of self-sabotage in the book, but it takes some inner-reflection and honesty to accept that. 

Unresolved Grief/ Loss of Identity

Grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss or change of any kind. It is not pathological and it is not a personality defect. It does not occur only when we lose a spouse, a child or a parent and it most definitely does not make us weak or less worthy for experiencing it. Grief occurs in a number of ways, and if you don’t resolve it, you’ll quickly find yourself looking for self-destructive outlets to alleviate your pain. When we lose our sense of self, we start to look for it in strange and unexpected places. We can lose critical pieces of our core identity when we go through major life events like death, marriage or even the loss of a career. These major upheavals cause shifts in our personalities and the way we see ourselves, and we reach blindly into the world in search of something that can reconnect us with our meaning again.

How Can We Move On

Most articles and ideas are meant to help the victims of betrayal to move on. It can be difficult to rebuild after you’ve betrayed the trust of someone you care about. Learning how to build open and meaningful relationships is hard, but it’s even harder to rebuild them after betrayal.Here are some tips that may help:

1. Open up

The first step in regaining the trust of anyone we’ve violated is opening up to them with the entirety of our truth. Whether we’ve snooped through our best friend’s things or committed the most heinous of acts behind our spouse’s back, if we want to get back on the right track, we have to start by opening up and it is better if we are able to do this before we get caught.

2. Make a commitment to be Honest from here on out

Once everything is out in the open, start dealing with it by committing to an honest and open future. It’s going to take time to prove yourself again, but that’s what an honest commitment is all about; doing a little each day to prove that the relationship is a beneficial one. Make a commitment to be honest with the person that you’ve hurt and commit to a more honest channel of communication in the future, even if those truths are hard to speak and even harder to swallow. We can generate more honesty in our lives by being ready to hear the truth ourselves. Be patient, and be open with your feelings as they’re happening, rather than waiting for them to fester in the darkness. Be honest with your needs as much as you’re honest about your emotions, and remember that you’re not a mindreader nor a body language expert. Guessing games equal disappointment every time, so be honest about what you need out of your commitment to be honest. 

3. Answer the questions

When we’re confronted with our betrayal, it can be hard to hear it let alone hear all of the pain that we’ve caused as a result of our poor choices and behaviors. The problem is, although we have hurt someone, we don’t get to choose how they resolve that pain. If you’ve hurt someone and they have questions, answer them, and don’t shy away from the truth. Part of being in a relationship whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship or work partnership, is having a mutual and understood level of trust. It also means owning up and helping our friends resolve their grief; especially when we’re the cause. Even if you think the question is stupid or repetitive, answer it, and don’t get sharp and don’t shift the blame. Rebuilding starts with answers, and you’re the only one who can give them.

4. Stop invalidating the feelings of others

One of the most toxic behaviors patterns of those who betray the people around them is their constant invalidation of the feelings of those people. In order to live more comfortably with their own guilt, betrayers often dispute and downplay the feelings of those around them. When their partner starts to question their behavior, they’ll change the topic or jump and flip things around, absolving their guilt and turning the conversation into something else entirely. You don’t have to agree with what your friend, spouse or partner says. You don’t even have to entertain it as a reality, but you do have to listen to it, and you do have to give them time to express the way they are feeling, as well as the needs they might have. 

5. Be Patient

Patience is key when it comes to healing not only our relationships with others, but also our relationships with ourselves. Coming back from betrayal is a process, for you and the person that you’ve hurt. Therefore, you have to be patient and understand that it’s going to take time for both of you, and not everything is going to be as smooth as you might like. Understand that regaining trust might take longer than you think. Understand that you may never regain that trust at all. Apologies are rarely the end of a matter, rather, they’re just a starting place. Be patient with yourself on your journey toward honesty, and be patient with the injured party too. It took time to get you into this mess, and it will take time to get you out. None of us is perfect, but all of us can be better…when we make the conscious decision to be.

6. Stop Making Excuses and Start Taking Responsibility

We use excuses to rationalize our actions and justify the poor choices that we have made.The problem is, however, that these rationalizations and excuses make it impossible for us to tap into true healing or recovery from these poor choices.Taking responsibility starts with accepting our personal role in the way things happen around us, and it ends with the realization that you alone are responsible for the way you react to the stressors and obstacles that life chooses to throw your way. Stop blaming others for the poor life choices you make. The only person who can choose to betray the trust of your loved ones is you.

7. Focus on recovery, rather than results

When we’re trying to fix something, we want to see instant results. But that’s not how recovery works. Coming back from living a life full of betrayal and deceit isn’t easy, but it is possible with time. If we want to become better people and we want to stop lying to the people around us, we have to keep focused on our journey back to honesty, rather than the direction we’re moving in. A breach in integrity is a hard thing to overcome. It’s a humbling experience and one that has lots of ups and downs, despite our desperate efforts to force things back to normal. Betrayal is a complex subject, and a complex and damaging event from which we have to find healing. Losing the trust of our friends, family and loved ones can be one of the most painful experiences we can endure, but it’s up to us to fix the wrongs we’ve created and find our way back to healthy and balanced relationships. That’s a journey that takes time. If we’ve betrayed someone we care for, we can’t invalidate their emotions or demean their expression of emotion. We need to take some time to understand what we’ve done and why we did it, and communicate that with our loved one when we’re ready (but before you get caught). Commit to an honest future, answer their questions and start taking responsibility for the pain that we’ve caused. Though we may not mean to injure those we love with our behavior, we do, and we don’t get to choose how they heal and find their resolutions. Focus on your recovery and have patience with the process. This pain wasn’t caused overnight and it won’t heal overnight either. Give yourself the time and space you both need to heal, so you can find a path to a better tomorrow.

May Allah heal all of our broken relationships, and make them stronger. InshaAllah. May we all realize any wrongs that we have done and have the patience to contribute to any healing. Ameen 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

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Betrayal

They say that trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair. For many, broken trust is not even repairable. Sometimes the pain from being betrayed is just too much for us to bear. Not to mention the fear we have of it happening again. So what do we do when we have been betrayed? What happens when we are the betrayer? Is it possible to heal and move on? If so, how do we do that?

Betrayal Part One

Do not betray anyone who places his trust in you, even if he betrays you. And do not disclose his secrets, even if he discloses yours. -Imam Ali (AS)

They say that trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair. For many, broken trust is not even repairable. Sometimes the pain from being betrayed is just too much for us to bear. Not to mention the fear we have of it happening again. So what do we do when we have been betrayed? What happens when we are the betrayer? Is it possible to heal and move on? If so, how do we do that?

When we feel Betrayed 

So often we find ourselves in situations where we put our trust into another. Whether it is a spouse, family member, or a friend, having trust broken can have lasting effects on all parties involved. When we put our trust in someone, we are essentially giving them the most sacred parts of us. Our love, our secrets, the side that not everyone gets to see. Although there are many different levels of betrayal, they are all difficult to bounce back from. But not impossible. Before forgiveness and healing can begin, there are a few things that must be understood and done. 

Steps to forgiveness

  1. Acknowledge

We must first acknowledge the hurt that has been caused and how it has affected us. This can be difficult because this involves us realizing that not everyone around us is trustworthy. Acknowledging  that some of the people around us are not who we thought they were. 

  1. Acceptance 

We must accept the fact that what has been done has been done. We can not change the past. We must either accept it and begin the process of moving on or decide not to. There is no point in trying to move forward if we are unable to leave the past where it belongs. In the past. 

  1. Determine

We also have to determine whether or not we even want to hold onto the relationship. There are times when it may seem easier to just let the relationship go. This can be difficult when it involves a spouse or family member. 

  1. Repair

This can be really hard. Repairing trust that has been broken is probably one of the most difficult things to overcome. Once we have decided that the relationship is worth saving and that we are willing to leave the past behind and start fresh, we can begin to repair any damage that has been done. Or at least try.

  1. Learn

Here is an even harder step. We must learn from our mistakes and learn to forgive ourselves. I personally have beat myself up over times when I have trusted the wrong people. It’s important that we forgive ourselves and move on. Maybe another lesson to be learned is to not be so trusting with some people. 

  1. Forgiveness

The hardest part of all. Forgiveness. Forgiveness is the release of resentment or anger. Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation. It doesn’t mean that we  have to return to the same relationship or accept the same harmful behaviors from our offender. However, forgiveness is important for our own mental health and is a key factor in our ability to move on. 

First we must understand that it is near  impossible to regain trust without first regaining control of our emotional well-being by finding our inner peace with the situation. Many of us struggle with forgiveness because we don’t want to let the other person off the hook for what they have done. Not only do we want them to fully understand what they have done, but we want them to be punished for their crimes so to speak. We want them to feel the pain that we felt, along with any other emotions we’ve felt as a result. However, chances are that won’t happen. Sure they may feel guilt, remorse, but at the end of the day they will most likely never feel exactly what we are feeling or have felt. So first we must make peace with ourselves and the situation. We need to acknowledge fully what has happened and accept it for what it is. Then we need to decide if moving on is even possible. Part of forgiveness and moving on is realizing that once it’s done, it’s done. It is now in the past and it needs to stay there. Any discussions that have anything to do with what  happened need to be for the purpose of healing, not hurting.  It does not need to be brought up everytime there is an argument or disagreement. Rebuilding broken trust takes a lot of time and work but if both parties are willing to do just that then perhaps it can be done. Recovery from a betrayal can be a long journey. Everyone walks the road to healing at a different pace. Betrayal traumas involve the perpetrator being in a close relationship with the victim. Due to this, their actions  feel deeply personal, rather than random. If someone pushed you as you were walking down the street, you would experience a sense of shock and fear but it wouldn’t cause you to doubt any of your closest relationships. Betrayal trauma is different because it jeopardizes the safety of the very relationship you would normally turn to for comfort when distressed, which causes an increased sense of vulnerability at a time when support is most needed. Betrayal by someone close to you, like a parent or a spouse, is a unique form of trauma and one that hurts tremendously. When a person who is supposed to love, respect, and support you betrays you, your world can feel like it’s shattering.

Betrayal in Islam 

When we entrust someone with a secret and then they disclose said secret, they have betrayed us. If we entrust someone with our money and they then misuse it, they have also broken our trust. When a spouse makes a commitment and is then unfaithful, they have broken that trust. All of these are examples of betrayal. 

All these acts indicate a weakness in faith and an inferiority of the soul. Betrayal is not only a major sin, but it is also hypocrisy in action. The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said:

 “The signs of a hypocrite are three: when he speaks, he lies; when he makes a promise, he breaks it; and when he is entrusted, he betrays [the trust].” A disloyal person is disliked, both by people and Allah The Almighty, as He Says (what means), {Indeed, Allah does not like everyone treacherous and ungrateful} [Quran 22: 38]. Such a man risks disclosure of his own secrets and exposing himself to scandals; and, none will defend or argue on his behalf, as he does not deserve it and because Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {And do not be for the deceitful an advocate.} [Quran 4: 105] 

Practically all the moral values in Islam may be said to have something to do with the idea of trustworthiness as, according to Prophet Muhammad, dishonesty shuns belief and faith.The most destructive unjust deed to one’s self, family, society and state revolves around three vices: lying, breaking a promise and betraying a trust.

A  Muslim can never be a habitual liar nor a betrayer of trust as far as his ethics and morality is concerned.

The Prophet said that the one, who does not possess honesty, does not possess faith, and the one who does not keep his pledge, is not a Muslim (la imana li-man la amanata lahu wa la dina li-man la ‘ahda lahu, narrated by Ahmad, al-Tabarani, and al-Bayhaqi).

Following the Prophet, the first Caliph Abu Bakr al-Siddiq stated that “dishonesty shuns belief and faith (al-kidhb mujanab al-Iman),” while the second, Umar ibn al-Khattab, said that “there is no mu’min who is deceitful (la tajid al-mu’min kadhdhaban).”

In al-Hasan al-Basri’s apt summation of religious lip-service, “being untruthful is that in which hypocrisy is composed (al-kidhb jima’ al-nifaq)”.

Indeed, being untruthful contradicts being obedient and faithful to God.

Our Trust In Allah

Often when we experience betrayal, we begin to question why our Creator would allow us to go through such a thing. Many times our relationship with Allah swt can be affected by such betrayal. When we are doing all that we can to live a life that pleases Him and then He allows such things to happen. I am by no means trying to exaggerate the situation, but so often it is a spouse or dear friend who has betrayed us. Someone who we feel we need in our lives.  However, oftentimes we are given these trials so that we can see just who is all around us. Chances are we’ve seen many red flags and chosen to ignore them. This may be the only way for Allah to reveal to us who is really for us and who is not. Sadly not everyone we think is in our corner really is. They say that everyone in life is a blessing or a lesson. What I have learned is that Allah swt places and removes people in and from our lives for a reason. 

May Allah protect us from those who intend to do harm to us and surround us with those who are good for us. InshaAllah

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

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Conflict Between Muslims; Resolution Between Muslims

There may be a variety of reasons. Sometimes one person unintentionally upsets, mistreats or offends another. With so many going through so much these days, there are times when our personal situations/ feelings get the best of us and we end up taking those aggressions out on another. Then there are times when there are personality clashes. Disputes and disagreement typically take place with those we are around most. I.e. family, friends, colleagues. Islam advocates living in peace with God – the Creator and Lord of all that exists. As well as, seeking peace within our own selves, and living in peace with other human beings, and in peace with our surroundings and environment in its entirety.

Conflict Between Muslims; Resolution Between Muslims 

Peace and Conflict Revision - ppt video online download

Why do two or more people find themselves in the middle of a dispute or argument? 

There may be a variety of reasons. Sometimes one person unintentionally upsets, mistreats or offends another. With so many going through so much these days, there are times when our personal situations/ feelings get the best of us and we end up taking those aggressions out on another. Then there are times when there are personality clashes. Disputes and disagreement typically take place with those we are around most. I.e. family, friends, colleagues. Islam advocates living in peace with God – the Creator and Lord of all that exists. As well as, seeking peace within our own selves, and living in peace with other human beings, and in peace with our surroundings and environment in its entirety. 

All conflicts – whether they are interpersonal, or within the family and community, or national and international disturb this relationship of peace. 

In all cases of dispute, it is very important for the others around the two disputing people or groups, especially those in positions of authority, to wisely play the role of advocacy, pacification and moderation in order to prevent the situation from being blown out of proportion and causing a permanent straining of relations.There is a great reward for those who facilitate reconciliation between disputing parties. Narrated Abud Darda’, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

“Shall I not inform you of something more excellent in degree than (voluntary) fasting, prayer and almsgiving (sadaqah)?” The people replied, “Yes, Prophet of Allah!” He said, “It is putting things right between people. Spoiling relations is the shaver.” (Abu Dawud)

Disagreements Between the Prophets Companions

At a time when the ummah is riddled with many kinds of trials and tribulations, one of which is disunity brought on by arguments over matters of faith, which in many cases leads to outright physical fighting and killing, there is a dire need to highlight relevant incidents from the life of Prophet Muhammad SAW where he effectively resolved disputes between conflicting parties to bring about reconciliation.

The companions and wives of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) were the most devout Muslims in terms of righteousness and fear of Allah. Yet, they used to have disagreements that sometimes turned into disputes.

Many a time, one or both of the disputing parties would come to him complaining about the other, and he would use impartial judgment as well as Divinely-inspired wisdom to decide which one of them was wrong and needed to apologize or compensate the other.

The important thing to remember is that the Prophet was in a position of authority over them, and his decision was always the best, with absolutely no chance of being even slightly wrong.

Unfortunately, he is not with us anymore, which means that it is imperative for us average Muslims today to closely analyze how he handled the situations of conflict between his companions and wives, and what he did step-by-step in order to solve them.

Dispute Between Abu Bakr and Umar

Although I did my own independent research regarding disputes that the Prophet himself handled, I thought it would be best to copy and paste this example given by Sadaf Farooqi. 

Once, the two close friends Abu Bakr and Umar had a dispute with each other. Something that Abu Bakr did had made Umar angry, and even though Abu Bakr went after him asking for forgiveness, Umar slammed the door on his face in a huff.

Abu Bakr then came to sit in the company of the Prophet and his companions including Abud Darda (the narrator), and the Prophet immediately sensed, probably from Abu Bakr’s body language and facial expression, that he was disconcerted. However, Abu Bakr remained silent, until Umar himself arrived and narrated the story of what had transpired between them to the Prophet..

When the Prophet heard the details of this dispute, he became angry. Abu Bakr immediately admitted that he was more at fault as soon as he saw the Prophet’s anger. When the Prophet saw how Abu Bakr was not just admitting that he had been more wrong, but had also sought forgiveness from Umar, he undertook a two-step strategy to encourage Umar to forgive him.

First, he called Abu Bakr his friend or companion and asked all those seated around himself, twice, whether they would “leave” for him his companion i.e. whether they would desert the one friend who had always been by his side. This automatically hints at the way Abu Bakr had proved his loyalty to Allah as a comrade and helper of the Prophet, especially during adversities.

Next, the Prophet narrated an example to everyone seated around him, of Abu Bakr’s sincerity and loyalty to the Truth, by recalling how, when he had started proclaiming his Prophethood to mankind, everyone had called him a liar at first, except Abu Bakr, who had said, “You speak the truth”.

The lesson we can derive from this narration for solving disputes, is that we should hasten to forgive the one who admits that he has wronged us, and is sincerely seeking forgiveness for it.

Reconciliation can be facilitated by making the one who has been wronged recall the past good that the one who has wronged them has done to them, especially if there is glaring evidence of that person being very truthful, sincere, Allah-fearing and righteous.

The one who is angry should not remain aloof and diffident for too long from someone who has proven himself to be fiercely loyal to Prophet Muhammad.

Modern Day Disputes

For any Muslim who holds a position of authority of any kind, such as a household head, a parent, an employer of domestic staff, a manager in a corporation, or a ruling president/government official, it is very important for them to impart justice in resolving disputes between two people who are under their authority.

Many disputes begin at the level of the household unit – the family. Sadly, partiality and favoritism in a person occupying a position of authority (such as a parent) towards another member of the family often results in feelings of resentment in those who are deliberately and repeatedly wronged by the latter, and neither side feels that their feelings have been acknowledged or validated, nor have they been given the opportunity to defend  themselves. 

In most of these cases, the causes of disputes and fighting stem from how the authority figures of the household unwittingly commit injustice upon the weaker members of their extended family, or discriminate against some of them by giving preferential treatment to others. This can also be true for any situation where disputes are involved. Work, business, or personal friendships as well. 

Like the Prophet, had the authority figures in the household or in the workplace done their duty of executing justice and fairness between those involved in a dispute , and admitted their error the way the Prophet’s humble companions did, their family and or relationships would have been successful in avoiding recurrent disputes, disagreements, and most of all, the distancing between hearts that were initially close. They would have been able to live closer together in harmony.

The Prophets SAW Way

1. He heard complaints of both sides before passing a verdict.

2. He mentioned the good traits and righteous deeds of the wrong-doer if the latter was apologetic and repentant, to facilitate reconciliation.

3. He allowed the recipient of an undeserved verbal onslaught to defend their honor, even if they were younger in age.

4. He did not – and this is a very important key point – exhort the wronged person to keep silent in the name of patience and restraint. He did not allow their oppressor to continue with their injustices. Rather, he made sure that the wrongdoing was not just stopped, but that the one who was wronged also defended themselves.

Resolution and Building

As Muslims we are meant to maintain peaceful, healthy, meaningful relationships with God and with all of humanity. This relationship is disrupted by conflicts, whether interpersonal, communal, national or international. Its restoration is essential for the sake of fairness and justice. Peace-building efforts work towards preventing an escalation of conflict and establishing a durable and self-sustaining peace.

Here are some relevant verses from the Qur’an addressed to the Islamic community:

 “O You who believe! Stand out firmly for God, as witnesses to fair dealing, and let not the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to piety: and fear God. For God is well-acquainted with all you do” (Al Maidah 5:8). 

And:

 “O You who believe! Stand out firmly for justice, as witnesses to God, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or you kin, and whether it be against rich or poor: For God can best protect both. Follow not the lusts of your hearts, lest you swerve, and if distort justice or decline to do justice, verily God is well-acquainted with all that you do” (Al Nisa 4:135). 

Islamic scholars also emphasize promoting Islamic ethics in order to prevent, mediate, and resolve various conflicts. This must take place along with a personal transformation, developing spiritual awareness through Dhikr (constantly remembering God and His Grace), praying, and fasting. As well as through acts of charity and love for other human beings. 

One should exercise compassion and forgive others who have done him harm, and move away from greed, egocentricity, and harming others and work to live peacefully in cooperation with each other. Understanding all of this will help to build, rebuild, and maintain healthy relationships with those around us, as well as help to strengthen ourselves. 

May we do all that we can to maintain healthy relationships with those around us for the sake of Allah. InshaAllah 

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family. 

Why Does Allah Test Us?

Even the genuine believers experience hardship and adversity at some stage in their lives. It is important that we remember that every test, every trial is all a part of His plan. At times it can feel like we are doing everything that we can to be the best Muslims that we can be and yet it feels as if we are being punished. We then begin to feel as if we are not doing something right in our lives. But what?

Why Does Allah Test Us

There are a number of reasons why God allows hardship and adversity in our lives. Even the genuine believers experience hardship and adversity at some stage in their lives. It is important that we remember that every test, every trial is all a part of His plan. At times it can feel like we are doing everything that we can to be the best Muslims that we can be and yet it feels as if we are being punished. We then begin to feel as if we are not doing something right in our lives. But what?

1- Test of Faith

It is Allah’s design to put us all through hardship and adversity so as to test their faith and their resolve and trust in Him. 

“Do the people think that they will be left to say” We believe without being out to the test?” (Quran 29:2)

We have tested those before them, for Allah must distinguish those who are truthful, and He must expose the liars. (29:3)

We will surely test you through some fear, hunger , and loss of money, lives, and crops. Give good news to the steadfast. (2:155)

To pass the test, we must trust that only Allah swt can relieve our hardship. We must pray and call unto Him:

“ Who is the One who rescues those who become desperate and call upon Him, relieves adversity, and makes you inheritors of the earth? Is it another god with God? Really do you take heed? (27:62)

2- Cleansing our Soul

Hardship and adversity is decreed by Allah swt as a cleansing of our souls from sins we have already committed. As a result, some of the bad things that happen to us are a direct result of sins we have committed:

Anything bad that happens to you is a consequence of your own deeds, and He looks over many ( of your sins) (42:30)

The concept of cleansing us from our sins in this life is a Quranic truth. It can be achieved through the experiencing of hardship and adversity (as 42:30) For me this can be a hard pill to swallow at times. Although I am aware of the many sins that I myself have committed throughout my life, to think that even though I have completely turned my life around and doing my very best to live a life that pleases Him, I could still be paying for things that I did years ago. I have to remind myself that the adversities are all in accordance with His wisdom and plan. 

3- Gratefulness 

Suffering through hardship and adversity is a reminder for those of us who tend to take things for granted and forget all of God’s blessings. Despite all the blessings given to us by Allah swt, we can many times be unappreciative. This is me many times. While my husband is the one who is always reminding me to count my blessings, I am usually the one who always seems to find something to complain about.So many times we need that reminder, and it may come in the form of hardship and adversity. Hopefully these kinds of reminders will help us to be grateful for all of the blessings that He does bestow on us every day. 

“ If you can not count Allah’s blessings, you can never encompass them. Indeed, the human being is transgressing, unappreciative. (14:34)

When we bless the human being, he turns away, and drifts farther and farther away, and when he suffers any affliction, he implores loudly. (41:51) 

This is true for many of us. When things are going great many of us forget His presence. We get a little relaxed on our praise for Him. However, when things seem to be falling apart around us, we cry out loud for Him asking why? 

4- Remembering Allah (swt)

Adversity and hardship is also a very effective reminder for those of us who are way too absorbed in the worldly life, and thus we may not be as devoted to Allah swt as we should be. Due to our being too preoccupied with this worldly life we do not seek God nor call on God as we should:

He is the One who moves you across the sea and land. You get onto the ships and they sail smoothly in a nice breeze. the n while rejoicing therein, violent wind blows, and the waves surround them from every side. This is when they implore God, sincerely devoting their prayers to Him alone: If you only save us this time, we will be eternally appreciative. (10:22) 

But as soon as He saves them, they transgress on earth, and oppose the truth. O people your transgression is only to the detriment of your own souls. You remain preoccupied with this worldly life, then to us is your ultimate return, then we inform you of everything that you have done. (10:23) 

I have certainly found myself in this position. Crying out when there is a dire need and then forgetting all about it when there isn’t. But, we are always in need of Him. His mercy, forgiveness, love, compassion, protection, and so much more. We should be aware of His presence every day not only when we are struggling or suffering. We should thank Him every day for all that we have. Acknowledging our blessings that He bestows upon us daily will help us to become more grateful for all that we have. Reminding ourselves of His presence and goodness in our lives, not only helps us to be more grateful, but it brings peace to our hearts like nothing else can. 

5- Allah’s Power and Authority

Many people are either oblivious of, or need to be reminded of God’s absolute authority. Hardship and adversity are one way to remind us that no one can save us but Him, and also remind us of God’s absolute authority. We also need to be reminded that we need God in every minute of our lives. Sadly when God relieves the adversity, many of us return to idol worship once again. We forget how He pulled us out of said hardship and made things right again. 

O people, you are the ones who need God, while God is in no need for anyone, the Most Praiseworthy (35:15)

If the human is touched by adversity, he implores us, but as soon as we bestow a blessing upon him, he says, “ I attained this because of my cleverness!” Indeed this is only a test, but most of them do not know. (39:49) 

I’ve mentioned before that in the beginning of my journey to Islam, a good friend said to me, “ Allah tests those that He loves the most.” I remember during that time, my family was getting hit with just about every adversity you can think of. Job loss, sickness, it was coming at us from every direction it seemed like. All that I was thinking during that time was that perhaps I was doing something wrong. Maybe everyone was right and I needed to make a complete u turn and go back to what I knew. How else could this be explained? Why were all of these things happening? Especially when I was doing the right thing, right? Regardless of what I was thinking at that time, my heart would not allow me to turn back. I pushed forward, trusting that He was in control and that everything would be just fine. One of the hardest things for me was to have complete and total faith in Allah azzajawal, when everything felt like it was going south. Little did I know all of the great things that He was preparing us for. He was making me stronger. Alhamdulillah. 

May we all remain faithful and aware of His presence and all of His blessings. Ammen

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.

Ramadan and Non-Muslims

Whether it be family, for many reverts, coworkers, friends, or neighbors, chances are we spend a good portion of our day around Non- Muslims. Many times these people will have a million and one questions, but sometimes are afraid to ask. Maybe they are embarrassed, or simply don’t know how or what to ask. Educating our Non- Muslim friends not only creates a positive environment that promotes unity, but it also provides an opportunity for us to break the shell of misconceptions and help shed the light on the beauty of Islam. For Muslims living in the West, there is a greater need to showcase Ramadan – not just as the month of fast, but as the month of inspiration, the revelation of the Quran, the spreading of the Message, the solidifying of the prayer, and the general remembrance of worship that upgrades us throughout the year.

Ramadan and Non-Muslims

Whether it be family, for many reverts, coworkers, friends, or neighbors, chances are we spend a good portion of our day around Non- Muslims. Many times these people will have a million and one questions, but sometimes are afraid to ask. Maybe they are embarrassed, or simply don’t know how or what to ask. Educating our Non- Muslim friends not only creates a positive environment that promotes unity, but it also provides an opportunity for us to break the shell of misconceptions and help shed the light on the beauty of Islam. For Muslims living in the West, there is a greater need to showcase Ramadan – not just as the month of fast, but as the month of inspiration, the revelation of the Quran, the spreading of the Message, the solidifying of the prayer, and the general remembrance of worship that upgrades us throughout the year.

Sharing the Joy of Ramadan

Ideally, being a good Muslim should be one that takes place throughout the 12 months of the year, and not just punctuated during Ramadan, since Muslims should be cohesively celebrative in society, without having to compromise their beliefs and principles, and to constantly be a driving force of good values. But even if we feel we have done our best, we can always do better. So, with a couple of weeks left of  Ramadan, here are a few steps that we can take towards sharing the joy of the Holy Month with non-Muslim neighbors, friends, colleagues, and InshaAllah, society as a whole.

Start with Du’a and Intentions that are pleasing to Allah

You can’t go wrong with du’a and the best of intentions. Sharing something we love is inherent in our religion. Make sincere du’a that Allah puts blessings in our endeavors in spreading the joy of the 9th Lunar Month, and for our own personal betterment with Allah. After all, it is said that whoever pleases Allah at the risk of displeasing the people, Allah will be pleased with him or her, (and that is enough of a reward for the believer), but Allah will also make the people be pleased with that person. What better way to start spreading love and care to others especially during the month where the gates of Jannah (Paradise) are the most welcoming.

Look For Opportunities in your community

If you’re already active in your local community (community centers, library, a multi-faith agency, or local college or university), look for ways you can “represent” Ramadan, perhaps through volunteer work or simply reaching out. Many communities in the West that are diverse in nature tend to have seasonal celebrations of multi-faiths and cultures. If there is an opportunity to showcase Islam, step up as a volunteer. Sometimes, just doing a Ramadan craft with children is enough to introduce Ramadan to young families. It only really takes a little pique of interest to start inquisitive minds on a discovery reel of a new religion. Other forms of community work could include working with organizations that fund Muslim and non-Muslim charities to collaborate in charitable efforts collectively. Here in Houston we have several organizations. The one that I am familiar with feeds the homeless every Thursday night.  If you can get in touch with a reputable Muslim organization that (preferably), has already made inroads with the non-Muslim community, this would be great training grounds on how to approach the non-Muslim community. Giving out gifts prior to Ramadan, pamphlets, invitations to iftar, copies of the Quran translated into the local language, have all been means in spreading the love of Islam.

Reach out to the Closest Non-Muslims

Prophet Muhammad harbored great amounts of compassion for neighbors, and did not discriminate between his Muslim neighbors and non-Muslim neighbors. He spoke to them regularly and exchanged gifts with them, shared meals, and spoke openly about our beliefs.

Our best advocates as Muslims living in the West are our non-Muslim neighbors and friends, if adversities break out, and Muslims fall prey to the misconceptions of Islam. Make an effort to speak to neighbors at the onset of Ramadan, send invitations to share iftar meals, or simple gifts representing the meaning of Ramadan.

Every year my kids and I make these Ramadan mason jars filled with dates and sometimes nuts. Our first year living in this neighborhood, being the only Muslim family, we decided to show our neighbors a little bit of who we are. It was our way of extending ourselves to our neighbors by not only giving them a little gift, but also letting them know that if they needed anything that we were there to help. This was also our way of opening that door of communication. I feel like it let them know that if they ever did have any questions, we were more than willing to answer any. 

Utilize the Internet

What better way to spread our love for Ramadan than to encourage a complete change in mindset that eliminates the “us vs. them” mentality?

It goes without saying that Muslims will often fall victim to the aggression, intolerance, and bias of the media. The truth is, media propaganda and hate-campaigns have been around since the times of the Prophets. In particular, Moses had to deal with a defamatory campaign, launched by the Pharaoh of Egypt, while all Moses had was himself, his brother, his staff, and a handful of followers amongst the oppressed community of Bani Israel.

Prophet Muhammad ( saw) had to deal with the smear campaigns by the likes of Abu Lahab and Abu Jahl, two of the most eloquent and powerful men of Arabia during their time. 

Hate spreads like wildfire, and it is only by the overwhelming Mercy of Allah that each Messenger “survives” the torture, even if it didn’t seem like it. At least we know that the ummah of Muhammad saw the religion through, so much so, that it has lasted until this very day.

The ummah today faces its own challenges, including a loud minority of Muslims who unfortunately peruse personal and political interests in the name of Islam, causing a lot of harm upon Muslims who only want to live in harmony in this world and the next. Unfortunately these few get magnified by the media.

Regardless of these challenges, it is important that Muslims remain united and not fall into despair. Allah changes the condition of those who strive to make changes for themselves. And what better way to work towards those changes, with just a couple of weeks left of Ramadan – it’s all in the blessings of the Holy Month.

May Allah (swt) continue to bless us, make us strong, and bring our communities together InshaAllah. Ameen

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family. 

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