The Struggles of a Revert

Day 1: The Struggles of a Revert 

Being a revert comes with many challenges. In the beginning we are so excited with our new found faith. We approach it all at full force. The desire to want to grow and learn as much as we can, as quickly as we can, can be overwhelming. What makes things even harder at times, is the lack of support many of us encounter. Many times family walks away making things even harder. On top of all of that, we find that the communities that we expect to extend their love and support, do the complete opposite, leaving us feeling alone and second guessing the choice that we have made. How do we stay focused and keep moving forward while going through these trials? This will be a two part post. Day one we will discuss the struggles reverts face on a daily basis. Day two we will discuss tips on how to cope with these struggles. 

Lack of Support and Isolation

Most, if not all, reverts face this dilemma at some point. Our friends and families begin to distance themselves from us. Whether it’s a matter of not fully understanding the choice that we have just made, or they flat out do not agree with it. Whatever the reason, this brings intense feelings of loneliness and isolation. The people that we once felt closest to have turned their backs on us. At least that’s how it feels. Depending on where you live, finding a good support system within the Muslim community can be difficult. Believe it or not, there are many who are not so willing to take you under their wing. On the upside, sometimes a little alone time can be beneficial. After all we are never truly alone. Allah swt is with us always. 

Stuck In the Middle

At times we feel as if we are stuck between two worlds. It is like we are in a limbo of sorts. Swinging between two worlds and are unable to be comfortable in neither, as we no longer fit in the non-Muslim world we have left and haven’t yet found our place in the Muslim one we have entered. We struggle as a revert to find acceptance from those around us as we are viewed as betrayers of our nationality. This was the case with me and my family. I come from a traditional Mexican family, so not only was I making the catastrophic decision to walk away from my faith, but I had somehow turned my back on my own culture/ nationality so that I could join my husbands. Many times we  face rejection from our own families. I rarely see my own family due to the fact that they can not stand to see me in my hijab. It is a constant reminder to them of what they consider to be the biggest betrayal. 

“Coming Out” in a timelike this

During a time when Islam is portrayed as a religion of violence. We have to deal with the issues of confronting our families and our society as well. With all of the misinformation about Islam that is flooding the media these days, and has been since 9/11,  when someone chooses to embrace Islam, it often comes as a great shock to our family and everyone around us. Most often families feel that the revert is no longer the person they used to know and love. Distorted images of extremists and terrorist groups flood their minds and sometimes they go to extreme measures to make the new Muslims leave this strange new way of life and return to being our old selves When we cannot find support and see so much rejection around us, we may become scared and prefer to just go back to being non-muslims. There was a short time when I too thought “ Am I doing the right thing?” “ Is it worth it?” It can be so difficult at times that we  just want to give up and just take the easy road. Early on in my own personal journey, a good friend of mine, Leila, said to me “ Allah swt tests those whom He loves the most.” It was these very words and my own heart’s desires of course that kept me going. No matter how tough the road may seem, never lose sight of the ultimate goal. Closeness to Allah swt. Remind yourself of why and how you came to make this beautiful decision. Although the challenge of dealing with the hate and insult that is fuelled by Islamophobic prejudices, is something faced by all Muslims, the struggles as a revert Muslim may seem slightly more difficult. This is because most of the time, we are facing it from our own families. People we feel we can relate to in terms of culture e.g. friends. And in some cases, for people, who, in the past had already faced prejudice due to their ethnicity, this can be an additional cross for them to bear. The struggle to find our place within the Muslim community, while tryign to maintain our place within our own families is tough. Stay strong and rest on Allah. Trust Him. 

What’s Reliable and What’s Not?

As new Muslims we are all fired up and want to absorb all of the information that we can regarding Islam. It is no doubt and can sometimes be confusing, with the volume and variety of sources available, so many opinions and so many Quranic verses and hadith to back up all these opinions, it can be really easy to become confused and not know who to trust. Especially when you are learning and are not quite sure what is an opinion and what is a fact. It becomes somewhat impossible to know where to start, where to look and whom to turn to. Add to that the highly opinionated and often loud voices of the right and the left wings, i.e the “strict adherents” on one hand and the “secular and liberal” on the other. Each claiming that their version of Islam is the right one. We are told by the left that we are too strict and we are told by the right that we are not strict enough. We are searching for where we belong, but the truth is we are strangers in this world. Strangers in our western society where we grew up and strangers in the Muslim community because we are different yet trying to blend in.  These struggles as a revert leave a lot of us baffled and confused because we don’t know which way to turn. We don’t have enough support so we are left to find our own way. 

Hijab

One of the biggest questions I’ve been asked, and at one point I too was asking, was, “Where do you find your strength to wear hijab?” To begin with it’s not something that we are used to. So not only do we have to get used to wearing it, we have to get used to people around us getting used to us wearing it. Here in the west we still get the occasional look, depending on where you live. Hijab is probably one of the biggest struggles for many female reverts. You have to constantly remember the reward is much bigger than this Dunya. Your strength and your pride are much greater than this society. Allah knows your struggle and your intentions. It is so important to surround yourself with positive people who remind you of your Creator. Try new styles and colors that make you feel comfortable and make lots and lots of dua. May Allah make it easy on all of us.

Marriage

New Muslim sisters cringe at the slew of questions that are thrown at us. The most common being that they changed their faith to get married. Or after they married. While this may be true for a few, for most, especially in Western countries like North America and Europe, to say that finding a spouse, getting married and staying happily married isn’t one of the greatest challenges they face, would be untrue.

Hailing from a past devoid of Islamic belief and its practice, they are sometimes avoided warily by born-Muslim immigrant families in their area that are seeking suitors for their adult and single children. When they do marry someone from a born Muslim family, it is with expectations of them sharing, if not exceeding, their own passion for Islam.

But sometimes the indifference of Muslims towards the religion of their birth is a shock for the new Muslim. A lot of new Muslim sisters enter an intercultural marriage without realising the expectations their husband or the immediate family will have. Unfortunately, we will then feel isolated within the family.

The result of this is that many women end up leaving Islam after having terrible experiences in bad marriages where they were disrespected, controlled, or even abused. The very person (the husband) who it was assumed would protect her from the vices of her American/European upbringing actually ends up driving her away because of his own cultural vices.

Haram versus Halal

Overzealous brothers and sisters often take it upon themselves to become the ‘moral police’, with little concern for subtlety or empathy for the other. And if the new Muslim is fortunate enough, (or should we say, unfortunate) to be accepted by the pack, the leader, then tries to impose his own culture which is mistaken for Islam by the unsuspecting newbie.

Many times it leaves converts with a feeling of being ‘impure’ because of their past lives as non-Muslims. Many sisters especially feel inadequate as Muslim women because of this, which even though being completely wrong is no less existent.

Too Much Too Soon…. Many reverts forget about the golden rule of “step by step” in Islam and instead, they try to do everything at once. From starting to pray five times a day, to wearing the hijab, making lifestyle changes about food and dress, getting away from music and avoiding a certain type of friends, trying to follow every single rule in Islam.

These struggles become painful as you are constantly trying to follow every rule, you’re being advised by a lot of people, some who are hypocrites. Unfortunately,  you may begin to lose hope and revert back to your former self as a result. Again stay strong. 

When The Enthusiasm Dies Down

Sure it’s a good thing to try and be the best Muslim you can be by striving to please your Lord. But without a strong foundation, even the tallest buildings can crumble to the ground. What happens is that without a solid foundation, very soon it all feels like a burden. Soon we begin to lose the enthusiasm we started with and end up giving up everything because we feel it is ‘just too much’. The feeling of being overwhelmed ends up taking over and many reverts go backwards and not forwards. Yes, reverts need to be incorporated into the Islamic community for integration, however, they need to take a step back and figure out how we will incorporate our own cultural practices into our new Islamic practice. This will help us to not only hold onto the identity we have been living with for most of our lives but in turn, we can be a source of positive influence on the Muslim ummah as a whole.

Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014,  her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.