Author: Rebecca Pena Hikal Respect
Author: Rebecca Pena
Many times throughout our lives, we will find ourselves right in the middle of conflict and or uncomfortable situations. Whether it be with our spouses, family members, friends, coworkers, or even a complete stranger. It can be an exchange of words or our actions that are a direct cause of this conflict. What happens when there is an exchange of words that takes an unfortunate turn? Maybe we feel that someone has hurt our feelings, or we feel that we have been disrespected. What if we are the one causing the hurt and or we are the ones being disrespectful? How we handle ourselves in these circumstances is extremely important. It is a direct display of our character and who we are. Going through the feelings of hurt, holding ourselves accountable, forgiving, and moving on. It’s quite the process. Although our words and actions can leave a mark on those involved, it is our response in my opinion, that can have a more lasting effect. We all lose our cool from time to time. Afterall we are all human. We can all agree that it is important to remain respectful at all times. But again, we are human. So today we are going to talk a little bit about all of the above. How do we not only handle ourselves in these types of situations, but how can we make things right?
Dealing with a toxic family
Respecting Others
Respect is a two way street. We are taught that in order to receive respect we must also give respect. However, there are times when we are not so respectful towards those around us. It’s not always about having an intent to be disrespectful, many times I myself have been in situations where I felt like I was not being heard or understood. As a result, my need to be heard came out in a form of disrespect. I definitely could have used better words. Whether it is our need to be heard or our passion for one thing or another that causes us to say or behave in ways that we normally wouldn’t, how do we begin to rectify the situation? We are human and it is almost guaranteed that at some time or another we will cause someone to feel that they have been disrespected, with no intention of doing so. A couple of weeks ago I was trying to get my point across to my husband. I felt like he was not validating my feelings. He was listening to me but somehow I felt like I was not being heard. In turn, my tone of voice and choice of words were probably not what I would have normally used had I not been so wrapped up in my own emotions and feelings. It’s not that I was “disrespectful”, but my tone of voice was enough to make him feel as if he had been disrespected. Not only did I need to hold myself accountable for the way that I had spoken to him, but I needed to take responsibility for how I had made him feel. And then to make things right.
In a perfect world we would all be conscious of our words, all of the time. For the most part, I think that in general, we do try to watch what we say. I’d like to think that we typically don’t try to be disrespectful, but that our emotions and feelings take over. Not only is it our need to be heard or understood, but at times we feel we need to stand our ground. Defending ourselves and our position is always important to us. It’s not about being right, but making sure that we are not being disrespected at the same time. Nevertheless things are said that we can not take back. Now what?
Accountability/ Responsibility
So what do we do when we say disrespectful/ hurtful things? Two options: we either own it or we don’t. This is where character comes in. Our willingness to hold ourselves accountable and accept responsibility shows our true character. It also shows the other person that there was no ill intent from the beginning. If you are the type to hold yourself accountable then you are headed in the right direction. Holding ourselves accountable and admitting that we were wrong is the first step that we must take in order to move forward. Even when we feel that the other person triggered it all and they are somehow at fault, we must still hold ourselves accountable for the things that we say and our actions. Don’t play the blame game. Own what you’ve said/ done and begin the process of moving on. Realize that somewhere along the way, we did in fact have something to do with the situation at hand. By owning up to your part, you will in turn earn respect.
The next step is taking responsibility. It’s not enough to simply hold ourselves accountable. We must take responsibility for not only what we’ve said, but the consequences that followed. Many times after an altercation, either big or small, there are consequences that follow. Hurt feelings, resentment, anger, and worse case scenario broken relationships. Either personal or professional. When we hold ourselves responsible we are able to not only see the damage that has been done, but also put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. Try to feel what they are feeling. Being empathetic towards others helps us to better feel what they are feeling as well as see why they may have responded or are feeling the way that they are.
Being Disrespected
Since respect is a two way street, chances are it was our own words, actions, or response to the other party that had something to do with their response/reaction. I’m not saying that it is their fault, remember accountability, still for every action there is a reaction. Many times it is a miscommunication/ misunderstanding that led to all of this in the first place. Unfortunately when we feel disrespected, we go into defense mode. In most cases this leads to more disrespect. We should definitely defend ourselves. By no means should we allow others to treat us any old way. It’s remaining calm when doing so that will make the difference.
Accountability/ Responsibility
Just because we feel that we have been disrespected does not automatically make us the victim. We need to take a minute and reevaluate the entire situation to see what we could have said or done differently. Chances are we too played a role and need to hold ourselves accountable and take responsibility for our own actions and words. When all parties are able to admit their wrong, there is a greater chance for forgiveness and moving on.
The Apology
This may be the hardest step yet, but the most necessary. When we apologize we not only admit our wrong, we also show our willingness and desire to make amends. This will put us on the path of healing and repairing any damage that has been done.
Forgiveness and Moving Forward
In a perfect world, we would all apologize, forgive, and move on. However, in order to do this, we need to know what it is we need to do in order to get to this point. We are almost always going to find ourselves in situations like this. Whether at home, work, or with friends in general. We should always do our best to try to be mindful of our words, but the reality is many times we find that we are not. When this happens, own it. We need to take responsibility for what we say and do. Understand that even when we feel we are the one that has been disrespected, chances are we are not totally innocent. We need to hold ourselves accountable for the things that we say and do.
At the end of the day we are all adults. We should act as such. May this blessed month help us to all reevaluate and improve ourselves InshaAllah.
Sister Rebecca is a SAHM living in Houston Texas. Married for 13 years with two children, and a revert since 2014, her hobbies include cooking, reading, and spending time with family.