Responsibilities of Both Husband and Wife

 

 

Authors: Sherif Hikal and Rebecca Pena Hikal

In the modern age, the status of men and women is often the topic of arguments or discussions. Islam has given great focus on having a balanced and ethical marriage that will lead to a long successful marriage InshaAllah. Our religion has explained to us a number of aspects pertaining to  the duties and responsibilities of husband and wife towards their spouses. However, due to the social customs and pressures, the requirements are twisted into patterns in order to meet the wants and needs of the society and not of the religion. Marriage being one of the targets ruined by the norms of our society. We live in a society where most people think that gender roles are considered sexist. That it is an ideology straight out of the 1950’s.. This idea that the husband works and the wife stays and takes care of the home is some sort of old fashioned  mentality. Some translate this into this idea the women are beneath men because their place is in the home, cooking ,cleaning, and taking care of any children. Some sort of inequality. While some women, myself included, are perfectly fine staying home and holding the fort down while their husband works, many are not. There are many women who work outside of the home whether because they need to or they choose to. I personally like to use the term duties or responsibilities versus “roles”, when talking about what the husband/ wife should do in order to maintain a happy, healthy environment at home. However, I’m not just talking about financial duties. I’m speaking of emotional and physical as well. Both husband and wife have many needs that should be met by their spouse.  Here are a few of the rules that we live by our home in order to do just that.

His Responsibilities – Sherif Hikal

1. Husbands are the Guardian of their Families

A husband is commanded by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, to respect her feelings, and show her kindness and consideration. Although both husband and wife are the wheels that make the vehicle go,  men are given a larger portion of qualities that make them stronger in terms of guarding their families. 

“Men are the maintainers of women, because Allah has made some of them to excel others…” (4:34).

Islam has given men the responsibility of supporting their women and their families. According to our Prophet (PBUH):

 “Men are the guardians of their families and it is the responsibility of every guardian to guard those who fall under his own guardianship.” – (Mustadrak, vol 2, p 550)

What I gather from these two verses is that it is our job as husbands to protect our wives and families. We should not only protect them in the physical sense, but it is our duty as Muslim men to protect their honor and their hearts. Many Muslim husbands and wives treat each other like adversaries rather than partners. The husband feels that he is the boss, and whatever he says goes. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in the family. It is very sad that this relationship which Allah swt has established for the good has been made a source of contention, deception, trickery, tyranny, humiliation, and abuse. This is not the way marriage is supposed to be.

Allah described marriage very differently in the Holy Quran: 

‘ He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts)  ” (Holy Quran 30:21, Yusuf Ali Translation).

2. Don’t Be a Tyrant

Regardless of whether or not Islam has made the husband the head of the household, Muslims are not supposed to be dictators and tyrants. We are taught to treat our wives well. The Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was reported to have said:

 ‘The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives” (From Mishkat al-Masabih, No. 0278(R) Transmitted by Tirmidhi)

3. Never Be Abusive 

Never be emotionally, mentally, or physically abusive to your wife.The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, never mistreated his wives. He is reported to have said: 

‘How could they beat their women in daytime as slaves and then sleep with them in the night?”

I’d also like to mention something regarding verbal abuse. At times we may find ourselves frustrated or overwhelmed with whatever may be going on that day. Maybe someone has made us angry, maybe our wife has done something to upset us. Be careful with how you speak to her. No matter what the cause of frustration is, take a step back and think before you speak. Many times when we are angry or upset, we end up saying things that we wish we hadn’t. Things that we can’t take back. 

4. Show Affection

Be affectionate towards your wife. There are many ways that this can be done. Physical touch being the most obvious, but there are far more ways that we can show our affection. 

Tell her how much you appreciate her. By showing your wife gratitude and acknowledging her hard work, you will make her feel a sense of accomplishment and this will help keep her motivated to do the hard work she does. It also means that if you are grateful to your wife then you are grateful to Allah for blessing you with her company because it was Allah swt that gave you the opportunity to unite together in marriage. Thank your wife very often and tell her that you appreciate all her work and effort and say Alhamdulillah for her companionship.

5. Help and support her in her daily chores

Be your wife’s greatest support and offer to help her with any task, whether it be big or small. Your wife wants to feel like you are working together as a team to build your family and maintain your home.  

The prophet helped out around the house, serving his family often.

Al-Aswad said,

“I asked ‘A’isha, may Allah be pleased with her, ‘What did the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, do when he was with his family?’ She replied, ‘He would do chores for his family, and when it was time for the prayer, he would go out.’”Bukhari Al Adab Al Mufrad (Sahih)

6. Listen To Her 

Men don’t always have to be solution-oriented sometimes when women open up about their issues. I know I’m not.  In fact there have been times when I myself don’t get why my wife gets as upset and emotional over some of the things that she does. However, by simply showing empathy and understanding, it  can be very therapeutic for her. Acknowledge her emotions and appreciate her perspective and give her your full attention when she speaks to you.  

7. Spend quality time with Her

Spend quality time with her at home but also try to explore other ways to build your companionship. Make time for her. I know that for me personally, work takes a lot of my time. Between that and kids and everyday life, it can be hard to find time to do anything else. Still, give her the time and attention she deserves and ask Allah swt to put barakah in the time you spend together.

An example is that of Prophet Muhammad with Aishah: One day a young group of Abyssinian men were dancing in Masjid Nabawi. Aishah said to the Prophet that she wanted to watch them. So she leans and places her chin on the shoulder of the Prophet ﷺ, his noble bodyguarding her. Her cheek was touching his cheek and her arms around him as they watched the performance in the Masjid. And he gently asks her “Are you done yet?” She said “No, not yet’ and this happened a few times. She finally moves away.

After the Prophet ﷺ passed away she confesses that “By Allah, I had no interest in watching those people dancing; I just wanted my face to be on his face”.

Her Responsibilities – Rebecca Pena- Hikal

The sacred union of marriage ties two people in a bond where they accept each other in sickness and in health, till death does them part. In the initial period of this journey, a couple is madly in love with each other and cherishes every little detail they get to know about their partner. I believe this is called the honeymoon phase. Over time, both parties realize that things are not quite as perfect as they had once seemed. Life happens. You fall on hard times for one reason or another and when the emotions take over, you start to see a different side of the person that you married. It does not mean that you love them any less, it just becomes a matter of understanding your duty as a wife.I know that when the going gets tough in our home, it’s usually Sherif who stays calm. I am the one who goes overboard. I mentioned in a previous post that he had lost his job in 2017. By this time we had already been married almost 9 years. However, it was during this time that I realized I had no clue what it meant to be a good wife. Sure I cooked, kept a clean home, took care of our children, everything that I was supposed to do…. right? Wrong. When things got tough, I panicked. I went into emotional overdrive, while he remained calm. 

“The Prophet (P.B.U.H) stated: ‘There is no better structure founded in Islam other than marriage’.”

“Imam Rida (R.A) stated: ‘The greatest gain for a man is a faithful woman who, when she sees him, becomes happy and protects his property and her own honor in his absence’.”

8.Respect Your Husband

Let’s be honest, we don’t know what our husbands go through during the day. The kinds of people they have to deal with. And if your husbands are anything like mine, the last thing that he wants to talk about or think of is work. There were times when I was insistent on talking about one issue or another as soon as he walked through the door. Not even thinking about the fact that he had just spent the last fifteen hours sitting at a desk dealing with all kinds of issues. This would lead to him getting upset, my getting more upset, words being exchanged and so on. We are supposed to respect, love and support them when they return  home from work to make them realize that they have someone who cares for him. It might get difficult for you at times to be polite and courteous to your spouse but it is necessary to do so. Teach your children to always give him the respect that he deserves. Plus, whenever he enters the house, open the door with a smile. These small things do create a good impact on the mind and heart of your husband.

9.Be Careful When Complaining

This is one area where I not only struggle, but I really had a tough time comprehending. Now I’m not saying dont bring your concerns and legitimate complaints to your husband, some things need attention and need to be discussed. However, there is a fine line between gentle reminders and full on nagging complaints. We all have things that we want to talk about at the end of the day. I personally can’t wait until my husband gets home so that I can tell him all about my day. This is also the time that I bring to his attention the behavior of our children and anything that they may have done that was not right. Remember that there is a time and place for everything. There have been many times that I was waiting at the door as soon as my husband walked in ready with my list. Not even thinking of the long, exhausting day that he may have had. Starting your list of complaints right away probably isn’t a good idea. Your husband might not say it that often, but they also do have an entire journal of problems to deal with. Don’t make him feel bad for not wanting to listen right then and there. If it’s something really urgent tell him, if not,  look for a proper time and then present your problems to him. 

“The Prophet (S) of Islam stated: ‘The prayers of a woman who teases her husband with her tongue, are not accepted (by Allah) even though she fasts every day, gets up for the acts of worship every night, sets free a few slaves and donates her wealth in the way of Allah. A bad-tongue woman who hurts her husband in this way is the first person who enters hell’.”

Trust Your Husband

We all have insecurities at the end of the day, however, it is important to be mindful of those insecurities so that they don’t take over at the worst possible times. There were  times in the beginning of our marriage that  my husband would come home from work and be so tired he wouldn’t want to talk to me or anyone for that matter. He just wanted to be alone. My mind would race as this is so not like him. Then the questions came. What happened? Why is he like this? Why doesn’t he want to talk to me? Is he upset with me? Did I say something? Well I would ultimately go and begin my interrogation which in the end, only made his day worse. Don’t take things personally. Especially if you know that you’ve done nothing wrong and he just walked through the door after a long day. Give him time to unwind. He’ll come around, you’ll see. 

Be His Peace

I read a quote somewhere that said “ Be his peace not his panic” To me, this made a lot of sense. As wives we are supposed to be his peace just as he is to be ours. We are supposed to bring out the best in one another and help the other to become better. Whatever you do as a wife, the first thing you must have at the back of your mind is that your spouse is another fellow Muslim. Hence, you have to consider your husband first as a Muslim and anything else second. You have to treat him with respect for there can be no peace in a marriage without respect. Love cannot exist in the absence of respect. Once there is respect, another thing you need to help your husband with is to help him become a better Muslim. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said of a good wife:

The best property that a man can have is a tongue that remembers Allah, a heart full of gratitude and a believing wife who assists him in his faith.

So as a Muslim wife, it is your primary duty to help your husband in his deen (faith). If he is not punctual with his duties as a Muslim, encourage and support him every step of the way. That said, you are expected to give your husband the kindest and most merciful treatment. You should be kind to your husband in your speech and manners. Your husband is human and that means that there will be moments of weakness for him too, there will be periods when he will make mistakes, do not take it out on him as the wife. Be supportive, understanding, and encouraging at all times.

Defend Him 

In addition to all that has been said earlier, another way you should treat your husband is to be his defender. The same way the husband is expected to defend your honor and pride in your presence and absence, you should also do the same for him as his wife. You should be able and willing to defend him and protect his image even when he is not around. 

As a woman, Allah (SWT) has created you to be quite different from a man. The  way he reasons and looks at issues is going to be remarkably different from yours. Now that you know this, you will have to display a lot of tolerance and patience in all you do. Almighty Allah (SWT) and the Holy Prophet Muhammad (SAW) told us in many instances to be very patient and tolerant in all that we do. So, you need to apply these qualities to your marriage too.

 May Almighty Allah (SWT) give Muslim couples the best in their marriages, Ameen.

About the Authors: Meet the Hikals 

Asalaam Alaikum wa- rahmatu-llahi wa- barakatuh. My name is Sherif Hikal. I am from Cairo, Egypt. I came to the United States in 1996 on a student visa and began my studies at the University of Houston. I met my wife in 2007 and we married in 2008. We have two children, an 11 year old girl, and a 8 year old boy. I work as a coordinator for an oil inspection company. When my wife began blogging for Amirazz, she would ask me to proofread her work. She is a fairly new Muslimah and from time to time asks my opinion on certain things. I have to say that I am quite proud of her MashaAllah. I noticed that although her blogs were to me, fantastic, they were all coming from a woman’s perspective. Makes sense, but what about us men? What can we do to show our love to our wives? What is our role? I offered to help her if she ever needed me to and just like the Rebecca that I know, she jumped on it straight away and went to the Amirazz team to see what they thought. I am looking forward to working on this with my wife…. I think. But no really InshaAllah through our experiences we can hopefully give some tips on how to push through those hard times, and make the most out of the best times. Marriage is not always easy. However, the important thing is to remember that we should support our wives when they need it. Be their strength when they feel weak. Love them and treat them like the queens that they are. 

Who We Are

Asalaam Alaikum wa- rahmatu-llahi wa- barakatuh. My name is Rebecca. As my husband has already stated most of who we are above, I just want to say that I am looking forward to writing a few pieces with him. I am a stay at home mom and spend most of my time with my children. Sherif and I have had our fair share of trials and tribulations throughout our marriage. We both have learned to be what we need and to not be what we don’t need. We have learned how to help carry, support, and show love to one another though those hard times. We have learned some pretty hard lessons in forgiveness as well as patience and mercy. Our goal is to help in any way that we can. You name it we’ve been through it, and because of it all we are stronger and closer than ever. Alhamdulillah. 

Why We are Doing This

In 14 years we have been through just about every issue that a married couple could go through. I’m not kidding. There were times when I was not sure how we were going to pull through. If we were going to pull through. Through it all we made it. We worked hard at being better spouses to one another. It takes lots of time, patience and hard work. You have to put Allah first, have a tremendous amount of faith, and trust that everything will work out InshaAllah. 

May Allah swt bless and protect all of our marriages and give us the strength to be the best husbands and wives that we can be. Ameen